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He told you to leave him alone! Listen to him for once…
i feel so dumb and am so ashamed of my self. Why did i do such a stupid mistake
Yes. She’s extremely controlling, and her expectations for you to not follow or interact with other women are completely unreasonable. Re-follow your female friends.
“Honey, I’ve spend a lot of time thinking about his, and I’ve decided I’m not going to stop interacting with other women, and I’m not going to unfollow my female friends on Instagram. I understand you get extremely insecure and jealous, but I’m not doing anything wrong here. This is an issue I think you need to work on in yourself, maybe with a therapist if it causes you this much anxiety. If you don’t trust me not to cheat on you, then we should just break up. Let me know what you decide.”
Do NOT back down on this or it’s going to get worse and worse over time.
So none of this is funny and I've spent a lot of time crying. But your third paragraph just cracked me up. The idea of everyone sitting around the table and voting….
Agree… I would have been out the second he proposed opening the marriage.
Which one of those wants the other out of your life, though?
Your daughter has made it clear since the start she doesn't want you to have another woman in your life. The fact that she is angry at you at all when you stayed and took part in her wedding when her sister was being born is appalling. She is an adult but is still acting like a bitter, angry child. She has ZERO ground to stand on here.
I'm sorry OP, but you've tried and tried and tried to please your daughter, and it's still not good enough.
It's time for you to set boundaries, and if she wants to have a relationship with you, then she needs to put in the work now. she isn't a child or a teenager. she is fully capable of taking time to come see you, pick up the phone and call you, etc.
Right now, your priority needs to be the newborn that entirely depends on you and your wife. Your baby is FIRST priority. If your daughter wants to see you, great, but it can't conflict with you parenting oyur baby. If your wife needs the day off to go have for herself and your elder daughter wants you to drop everything to help her move or paint a room, you need to choose your second daughter and mind after her.
This is a shitty situation, but it's time to dig in your heels and set firm boundaries. If your daughter throws a fit and has a meltdown, well, I'm sorry but she's an adult and that's on her.
Focus on your wife and baby now.
Definition of mental gymnastics “Mental gymnastics refers to the mental work one must do to justify a belief they hold, often times it's a very absurd belief that's held despite evidence to the contrary. “
Example of a belief one may have to perform mental gymnastics with: “For example: a person in a relationship is not allowed to withdraw consent.
Certain beliefs need more mental gymnastics, others less: “The mental gymnastics required in order to assert this belief and stand behind it are insane.”
Bringing it back to this post and how my comment relates to it, this is also an advice sub, so something I say should contribute to the issue at hand: “This seems to be the belief the husband holds,”
My reasoning for why the husband may have an issue with consent: “based on his reaction, and giving her the cold shoulder and ignoring her is his attempt to persuade her that she's in the wrong.”
My reasoning for why OP is not in the wrong, and her husband is in the wrong: “In reality, anyone may withdraw their consent at any time.”
In the cult I was a member of, marital sexual assault is an issue. In fact, in the cult I was a member of, having sexually charged conversations with underaged children one-on-one with adults is also an issue. I speak about these issues openly because I know it's not something that everyone understands, something you seem to suggest (that it's an obvious fact that everyone is aware of) in a previous comment where you call me sheltered or naive, by asking if I had learned this fact yesterday: “A partner no longer wants to have sex? Then they can withdraw their consent. At that point, the sex has to stop or it becomes sexual assault.”
To underscore my point for those who may not understand what I'm stating: “And yes, even married people can be sexually assaulted by their spouse.”
Had I wanted to “paint them with the same brush”, “conflate them, or “liken them”, I'd have been much more direct. But as that wasn't the point of my comment, something you don't seem to understand, I did not. OP doesn't seem to have an issue communicating her needs, she agreed to his suggestion of an OM after pushing and suggesting the issue multiple times, she even encourages him to go out that night and have fun. She does this with the understanding it's an agreement on a trial basis, either may rescind their consent. In the morning, she realises how she actually feels about an OM when she sees her spouse has signed up for a dating app/site, at which point she communicates with him that she no longer consents to an OM. Her husband pouts and gives her the cold shoulder. Husband doesn't seem to have also understood it was on a trial basis and that she would be able to change her mind. Husband doesn't understand the open communication and honesty required to have a successful OM. I did not suggest that her husband would, or had sexually assault her; I did not say that husband wanted to cheat on her, or already had cheated on her.
I've clarified my comment multiple times, and you seem intent on either willfully ignoring my clarifications, or insisting I meant something with my comment which I didn't. You're allowed to do this. You're allowed to have your opinions, as outlined in the Psychology Today article you sent me. You're also allowed to be willfully ignorant of my clarifications and even ignore them. This, however, ignores the basic understanding of a dialog. There is no back-and-forth here, there is no reaching a greater understanding or appreciation for other's opinions and viewpoints. You appear to be willfully obtuse. And for someone complaining that I've spent a lot of time on this, and that I have a problem setting boundaries, you seem to be suffer from that which you accuse me of suffering, seeing as how you've been stewing on this now for almost a full 24 hours.
Based on your comment history, we don't agree on many things. I disagree with many of your (apparently) held beliefs and opinions. And while I've tried to be considerate and thoughtful with my responses, not knowing your mental capacity or background, you've been accusative, brash, borderline rude, and also just straight-up rude to me, while not respecting what events may have occurred in my past (suggesting I “try both”, meaning being cheated on being sexually assaulted, so I could “learn they're not the same”). What I imply with my comment, and what you infer, are not the same. I hope you learn the difference between those two (imply vs. infer), as it's a significant difference that may help you to understand people in the future. But based on this interaction, understanding doesn't seem to be your goal. I wish you more success in understanding people in the future, internet stranger.
Don't try to confront her. You are not in a mental state to do it, and only result will be either letting yourself be gaslighted or complete mental breakdown.
As I have written in other comment. Written, message you break up and for her to never contact you again. You threaten her with exposing her infidelity, and incest, if she tries to contact you and gaslight you. Bluff her that you have started recording your calls at one point, so she shouldn't try to talk shit about to other people either.
Refuse any form of communication, especially voice com. Being coherent, and firm should be easier for you through written text (but after ending things do not engage in it either).
There’s something else going on. He may be busy, but he made time for you before so something is changed and you’re gonna have to find out what. I will start looking around look at his phone and see what he does because something is different with him. Maybe he figured out the relationship isn’t working for him but something is going on.
Also, you’re right. After marriage we’re talking about buying a house. Which I want to do for the investment and to stop paying rent. But for some reason it feels like I’ll get stuck and never get out of quick sand.
I need to figure out why this makes me feel stuck. Like I’m walking into a room and I keep walking and it just gets smaller and smaller.
Is the silent treatment normally how you handle issues? I get taking space and processing, but that almost seems manipulative.
I don’t fully understand, were you masturbating in a public space in the house? I could see being upset about that. Not that you need to hide, but if she has trauma or isn’t comfortable around masturbation then I could see feeling uncomfortable in the house because you don’t know when your going to walk in on you masturbating.
Will she go to couples counseling?
Could he be hitting on her & she doesn't want to tell you? He sounds like a POS trying to cause problems.
She never should have had anything to do with him in the first place. Was she desperate for a job?
Has your dad said no?