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Sounds like an absence of compassion, man. She’s clearly suffering—you think she wants those symptoms? You need to help her get help if it’s too much on your own before bailing. I know you’re not married, but “in sickness and in health” and all…
It’s okay if her unchecked mental health is too much for you and you need out of the relationship. It’s not okay to blame it on her and shame her for it. If you care about her, let alone love her, show some softness and tell her you care about her mental health and point her towards the help she needs. Ask her or your people for support on that, too.
Tell her to seek comfort with guy she cheated on you with. Never take her back. She's gonna gaslight you to hell over this. Be strong.
I think girls that age often struggle with guilt and shame, as all as not being comfortable in their job skin, thinking a lot and unable to relax and enjoy. Or she might have trauma in her past. Yes, of course talk with her and open your ears
First don’t tell your boyfriend at all
How do you not think about how your partner was with other people sexually?
It's not gross. Urine is sterile and goes down the drain. Big deal. It must have been a trigger for her. She needs to see a counselor.
It’s not this, though.
It’s like, the comparative thing is terrible. I know I’m not the hottest. I know I need to go to the gym. BUT if he’s comparing her body to the other woman, then of course she’ll fell insecure. My EX did that all the time, always says the honest is the best policy. But always comparing my body to other woman’s. My now husband doesn’t do that. He says they’re hot. But he always says I’m hard too. Lie, incredibly hard. No need to compare. That’s the point for me.
Why compare? Why talk about them in the first place, though.
Am I naked, sweet? Yes, you’re incredibly very hot. Come here….
That’s it. Final. Why compare? Why the need to say that other woman are hotter and she needs to go to the gym?
If you choose to be sad over an observation made by a stranger, you
really have a lot more problems than you know.
Now take fucking responsibility for yourself or go find a hole to hide in.
Whining about how “tough” it is to go to a party where you don't
know anyone is about #31 on most people's list of the
“5 Most Important Things To Give a Shit About”. Sheesh…..
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Work on yourself. Find the roots of your jealously issues. Possibly get a therapist. Then mby hit him up in a few years.
You texted her after 8pm and said you wanted to see her that same day? Why would she think it was anything other than a booty call?
Why exactly are you wth him?
I'll also ask this question: Why exactly are you allowing yourself to be his doormat?
He clearly doesn't respect you, so here's my final question: Why don't you respect yourself?
How does this jive with wanting to be away from current BF?
This sub is amazing in the lengths it will go to protect women. Men do not matter here, you just said OP's feelings do not matter.
She could have drowned her insecurity and feelings of inadeqaucy with her BF and he could have helped her through it by telling her how awesome she was and how clearly wrong he was, if she had given him the chance. They could have had a conversation about the whole thing.
When I say “shaved head,” I mean like a buzz cut, not totally-bare-bald. I feel they are pretty much the same…long hair vs buzz cut…beard vs no beard…both a style/appearance choice ? (in most cases)
Came here to say that too. Definitely sounds like it and it's weird AF. Flashing red flags all around!
Reading this makes me feel sad. You don’t deserve this. If you’re financially able to leave you should do so asap
I am sure your emotions are all over the place. There will be times when you want to forgive.
When I read a story like this I focus on what stands out for me.
“Emily” has watched “Mark” belittle you and be horrible towards you for six months at least. Knowing what she did that he was hung up on her, spent time alone with him, knew he wanted her to be his girlfriend. At least six months of him being like this, over a year of doing whatever this is with him.
Then she is choosing to make sure he is okay….
She might well be sorry now, but she is still choosing him and has done for the past year. Whether it is about sympathy, attention or feeling needed by him I don't know, perhaps all of that.
He has a lot of anger towards you and will continue to have, that is why you have to file a report, because he is capable of violence that by your own survival instincts just barely managed to keep you alive. That takes a while to sink in, trust me it does. The idea that someone wants you dead isn't an easy thing to think about someone you considered a close friend.
For yourself, distraction is something people find useful when their thoughts won't stop, watch a funny video, do somethign that takes a lot of concentration. Exercise works well. Being purposeful is known to be good for recovery, helping people or doing something productive. Plan for something to do in 6 weeks time, then another 6 weeks, an event, a trip just anything. Meet friends but ask them not to go overboard with talking about this, distraction remember.
You will get through this, keep writing it is helpful to see how far you have come sometimes.
You don't want this kind of relationship to last years, it's not even a relationship tbh. He needs to adult up, he needs to sort himself out and you need to go somewhere to get help about not worrying about him and any other person who walks into your life like him otherwise it will destroy you. You are not their parent, carer etc. Break up with him and get a better life for yourself, you're too young for this
About a month into dating I told him I might have feelings for him, he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. We took some time apart, I got over it, and we agreed to just have sex and not talk outside of it. It very quickly spiraled into what’s going on now, and I can’t ignore my feelings anymore.
She is definitely resistant to change. However, I did set the expectation that I would pay for nearly everything 6 months or so ago. I brought up changing that expectation and that’s when shit hit the fan. But yeah I’m reconsidering the entire relationship now
If you were the wife would you want to know? Tell her
You were upvoted by me. While I do not fully agree with your opinions, I see value in them and how they give OP a different perspective to look at this situation with.
Well yeah, some people deserve rudeness. Some people are superior to others; namely, I think someone can claim superiority over someone who broke up their marriage and couldn’t even keep the girl he did it for ?
Lol…. I think I got you thinking. Good.
I appreciate this, thank you. I hope to deserve better one day
So, FWIW, my divorce never got ugly. It was a lot faster than yours will be because we didn’t have kids – but we ironed everything out and I probably gave him more than I should have because I was the one that was leaving. (Sounds like your husband has this kind of view too.)
One thing I want to stress to you is to stress to the lawyer you want to keep it as easy and as light as possible. You are getting a lawyer to protect your interests, but the lawyer doesn’t have to be adversarial. My lawyer was wonderful, submitted all the paperwork and dealt with the judge but basically listened exactly to what me and my husband had already nailed out. He drew up the contracts and made sure we were protected. (My ex didn’t have a lawyer, he trusted me not to dick him and I didn’t – so in a sense we kinda ended up using the same lawyer – he didn’t even show up to the final hearing. ?)
If you go into it letting them know this is kinda mutual and you want to keep it happy, they will work to keep it happy as long as you and your husband do. And trust me, they will be relieved.
Why tf did you marry him? I think you should divorce him and then think very naked about why you destroy yourself.
Okay, this kind of thing is what I was alluding too in asking about other issues. Somebody that torn up by the one that got away is often a narc or sociopath and bringing it up as a method of controlling the other person. OP, take this as a gift. Spin it as him breaking up with you and you not being good enough for him and leave. This way he may just let you go without violence. Call family and friends and domestic violence resources for help getting out safely though. There are resources pinned at the top of r/relationship advice
Just fuck his dad, boom, black mail
I would feel so betrayed , I would probably go NC
I'm gonna guess a couple of things.
Most times sex is less good for the woman because men often don't know what to do, and just penetration doesn't do it for a lot of women.
That being said. Was it good? Or is she just making him think it is because she doesn't want anything to do with him otherwise? Especially if they only meet up for sex, it seems he didn't have the skills to backup his talk and yeah..
You are getting married too soon. You don’t go into a marriage with unresolved problems. It’s too expensive and time consuming to get out of. It’s actually cheaper to get out of a wedding. All the red flags are there telling you it’s not going to work but you are ignoring them. Life with an addict is hell. You don’t not want to sentence yourself with his problems and abuse.
“soon” and “not yet because of money”
If a man wants to marry you, he will be able to give exact goals as to what needs to be accomplished before marriage. Anything vague like “soon” or “not yet because of money” is just an excuse to defer. Someone who wants to plan a future would be able to say “I want to be more financially secure before marriage. Can we work together to save $20K to make that happen?” or something along those lines. A real, tangible goal or benchmark.
The short answer is yes. You're 30, either learn to drive or get your spouse to drive you. It's one thing to be 15 and at the mercy of a 16 y.o. friend with a drivers license but you're all grown adults. “Anna” seems to have some money troubles ad you can't possibly know how well fixed she is to bend over backwards to buy and make vegan food for you. When old friends meet up the expectations are usually more casual than this five star treatment you're demanding. Just bring your own food if you don't like what she's serving. TBH you sound a bit exhausting.
I find it suspicious that you haven't included any info on yourself. This whole thing kind of sounds like a “third wheel” situation. Are you perhaps the good guy male friend who treats her well as opposed to her big bad boyfriend break up, and therefore feels like he deserves to be with her more than the boyfriend? Seen this kind of a situation way too many times.
As for their relationship, there's not much else you can do than talk to her about it. She's an adult, and not that young adult at that too. She's almost 30. If she refuses to break up with him despite your advice then that's really all you can do.
Starved for affection. I think that's partly a side-effect of boys being taught to suppress all emotions except anger and lust.
Updateme!
Dude, you’re all over this thread with miss information, so let me try and screw your head on a little bit straight about how the stuff works.
When you get divorced, you do not automatically lose half of what you own. First thing is that if you have anything that is separate, you keep that 100% your own unless you donated 1/2 of it to your spouse. So if you come into the marriage with a house that you own already, it stays yours. A car? Stays yours none of that is touchable if you get divorced, unless, like I said, you donated it in part to your spouse so that it could be community property. Things also like inheritance from a parent are also 100% yours no matter when you inherit unless your parent’s will explicitly states the money is to go to both you and your spouse. What gets divided are the assets of the community— ie, what you bought or earned while you are married. So, for example, if you worked for 10 years for a company and put money into a 401(k) during all those 10 years, but you were only married to your spouse for 2 of those years, then your spouse would only be entitled to 50% of the 401(k) contributions during your marriage, not the entirety of the account.
Where some men get off with this whole idea that they get robbed during the divorce process is because women have traditionally been the ones to leave the workforce to take care of the home, and said men are not considering the work and sacrifices made by their spouse when a spouse takes a step back in their career or leaves the workforce in order to take care of the home and children. Especially in today’s economy, very few couples decide that the wife stays home just for the hell of it. It is frequently done because it is cheaper than daycare, or the couple decides that the husband’s income is enough to support the both of them and the couple’s overall life would be improved if one person could take care of the home while the other person worked. When you take a step back and you leave the workforce, you are materially disadvantaging your income potential for the rest of your life. That is a sacrifice that is made by one spouse for the overall benefit of both spouses. There is a level of expectation and trust that the other spouse is going to take care of them, because they have made the sacrifice for the benefit of the family. Despite the sacrifice and this work that is being done by the spouse that is staying at home or working a lower paying job, some of these men think that that means the income is 100% theirs and that their spouse has no claim to it whatsoever. That is self-centered, horrible way to look at the contributions of someone that you were supposed to love and care about. That person is not your servant or your slave, they are your spouse. And no, “room, board, and affection” are not sufficient compensation.
More and more women these days are out earning their husbands. If you did even 10 seconds of research, you could find plenty of articles discussing how many women these days are paying their ex-husband‘s alimony. It’s about assets, not a deliberate attack on men.
Don’t want to deal with all this community property mess? Get a prenup. A judge is not going to throw out a prenup unless it was a invalid contract. So don’t get your fiancé drunk and get her to sign it. Both of you have lawyers look it over, and then sign it in front of a notary, and you’re done.
Thank you for your response! Maybe I didn't explain myself correctly. He had the child before we started dating. The girl left him prior to me meeting him. ? What makes you think he cheated?