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Grieve the loss of your relationship and then use this opportunity to grow. Pick up hobbies. Meet people. Date. Like a lot of people have said, your 20s are times of growth and relationships that started before you were a fully formed person don't always last because you grow in different directions. There's also the feeling some get of missing out on experiences. Yea, it sucks, but having your first heartbreak is normal, and it probably won't be your last. Remember the good parts of the relationship, learn from the bad, and take this opportunity to expand your world.
At this point no, I wouldn’t contact him again- if he’s sincerely using this time for therapy then give him that. However, you may also need to decide if you’re willing to wait anymore. If you’re willing to edit then give him his time. You may get to the point that it will make more sense to break up vs waiting indefinitely.
Your boyfriend is a douche. His political beliefs tell you what his morals are and his morals are majorly lacking.
Breakup with him and move on. Don’t waste anymore time with him.
Honestly, Mark is either lying or clueless. And Eva knows exactly what she’s doing and Mark is happily playing her game. You deserve a better friend and a better boyfriend.
Just watch – in a few years, Eva is gonna be home wrecking marriages.
That's kind of what I was thinking, yeah. Although I'm definitely not older than her father. That would be an even higher degree of weird. I would also like to state, for the record, that this is the first person so much younger than me that I have ever been remotely interested in, which is why I'm very conflicted. I'm not sure how to navigate these situations.
Kinda think more context is needed. How long have you been with him? Has he been made comments like this before? What’s your relationship like in general? Do you have any questions, going into marriage…?
He’s either just an excited dumbass who made a stupid comment. Or he’s a scary dude and you’ve just seen the beginning of what could become a night ante for you.
Frankly I wouldn't be ok with my partner exploring at all because to me “exploring” is cheating. And cheating is an automatic end.
This is the exception, not the rule
I could go and find 100 stories of people breaking up after finding out from a third party about their partners cheating and they were actually cheating
I am not able to move on, that's the problem. I'm a desperate, depressed and emotionally unstable teen who is finding it impossible to move on. This is my first time experiencing a breakup as it was my first relationship and the pain is unbearable.
Yes, maybe so.
Did you tell AP’s wife? Also you wouldn’t be out of line to ask for a postnup.
I like how you cherry-picked this so you could try and still get the guard, who is doing his job, in trouble.
I like how you cherry-picked this so you could try and still get the guard, who is doing his job, in trouble.
Something tells me you wouldn't be so forgiving if she cheated on you
Everybody will have had sex with another partner.
And from here on out, all your future partners will face the same thing with you.
So what?
He lied about ALOT of things and so has his family. I would run from this family they are not good people. How can you now trust anything he has ever told you. He is hiding his true self and I dare bet that side comes out after marriage.
but it isn't going to help if everybody knows what I did.
You've given her plenty of reason to think that you're a creeper that wants to fuck their friends. Her telling people is warning them of the kind of person you are. It sucks for you, but overall it's good for everyone she tells so that they know what kind of person you are.
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My bf is American and I am English. We pronounce things differently. If he pronounces words differently, I assume it’s because it’s an American way of pronouncing things, but if I pronounce a word differently, he assumes I’m wrong and corrects me. He kept correcting me and it made me question my own intelligence, so I google how to pronounce a specific word and it ends up being just a difference between UK Vs USA pronunciation. It drives me crazy so I told him to stop assuming I’m wrong and make me question my intelligence.
Just today we were talking about methane. I pronounced it MEETHANE and he said it’s not pronounced MEETHANE is meHTHANE. It made me question my intelligence so I googled it and knew it was a difference (again) between UK Vs USA pronunciation. It just makes me so angry because he’s being patronising when he’s trying to correct me when he is wrong. If he wanted someone to pronounce things in an American way, he should be with an american and not a Brit.
How do I handle this? I’ve told him time and time again to stop trying to ‘correct’ me when he’s wrong when he tries since it’s a UK USA pronunciation difference, and I pointed out that in fact, I should be the one correcting him since English is from England. It just makes me feel sad that he assumes I’m stupid instead of just assuming it could be a pronunciation difference. How do I handle this? Thanks!
It sounds like she could have BPD, and this will emotionally and physically drain you
Are you constantly having to reassure her? Do you bring up a small issue you have and she gets extremely angry with you for being upset?
She is assaulting you and it will only get worse, all these things need to be reported because if the police get involved ….they're gonna be looking straight at you, not her.
This is a common problem. So much so they wrote a book about it called, “How not to hate your husband after kids”.
Please don’t have a baby with him and dump him. Tell him he has changed and you no longer find him attractive
This is only temporary. She's fine with it and wants me to take it slowly. We'll introduce more colors down the line once I feel comfortable enough.
Why are you throwing your boyfriend under the bus? Your boyfriend is rightfully uncomfortable with you going on a trip with coworkers who cheat on their partners with each other. You are making the decision not to go so why blame it on your boyfriend? It’s a red flag you have no issues traveling with a group of cheaters. Just tell them you can no longer attend the trip.
Honest question: how would you feel if I said I had arachnophobia? Would I need a doctor’s note?
Anal rape is certainly worth ending a relationship and, in fact, worth a call to the police.
This is such a huge fucking deal breaker. He raped you. He got what he wanted as someone else has said, after he kept harassing you to do it. He proved he cannot be trusted and guaranteed he will ask again because he’ll feel that you already did it and you’ll get over if.
Yea dude I’m gonna talk to him it’s just nude he is never an upfront guy
So, he got what he deserved? Hopefully he learned his lesson?
Imagine your response if the genders were reversed.
Look, your brother isn’t toxic & he’s really all the family you’ve got. You don’t need to hang out & be best friends, but ignoring his calls? I don’t know why you’d do that. If the conversation veers to your parents, you can cut it off, but there’s no reason to not hear what’s going on with him & telling him what’s up with you. You can have a different relationship with your brother than you have had so far. It doesn’t have to be particularly intimate.
What I know is that even though I don’t have a great relationship with any of my siblings, we would all show up for each other if we were needed. There aren’t many people in the world who will always be your safety net – and whether we like it or not, most of the time, family is that.
I think it’s foolish to just write him off.
Express your feelings and worries to her, but don't guilt her into not talking to others anymore. Try to find the root of the lack of connection from her and how you two can fix it.
The fear is often created due to past cheating in relationships. It may help to process a past experience with a therapist or by journaling about how you felt and how it has affected you.
Other times it is projection of an own willing or ability to cheat. In this case it would be good to recognise that it is a projection and find out how to stop projecting.
It can also stem from insecurity. In this case it may help to write down your strengths, things you like about yourself, and read them out daily. Or try to notice your strengths and positive traits throughout the day. A therapist can also help with this a lot.
A few things that may help in general are Radical Acceptance (DBT skill) of the fact that you don't know what is going on, Cognitive Reframing (CBT skill) of the idea that she might cheat and Journaling your emotions.
They're definitely not more important than my partner's feelings, although I do feel strongly about her friend, I just feel that if we are to continue with what we're doing my partner has to know how I feel
This post seems to show that there are 17 responses, but I can only see 9. I would love to read the others – is this something Mods can fix?
Thank you to everyone who has replied. I’m feeling quite sad about it all and have a lot to think about. I can see that therapists can sometimes value “saving the marriage” above what might be healthy for the individual partners. I am thinking about that. If my couples therapist does not call out my husband on the abuse, I don’t think we are going to make progress. I don’t think he (husband) realises how bad or serious it is – after all, the marriage has been convenient for him and has worked in his favour and resulted in him getting his way and what he wants in our relationship dynamic.
To rebuild trust, I need to know he is acknowledging the seriousness of what happened in the past (and to be reliable and honest going forward as well – No treating me with contempt, no lies, no poison darts, etc). In the past he shoved me – and he has completely stopped that. But he also verbally abused me, criticised me constantly, and spoke to me with contempt like I was a dog he hated for years. He would also steamroll over any of my opinions, requests to speak more softly or kindly, preferences, etc. He would then say I should have tried harder if I really wanted him to listen. I didn’t know it was abuse at first bc it was verbal. This damaged me and I am still recovering. And I might not be able to really fully recover while married to him. He will need to be willing to let me talk about how naked it was to go through it from time to time or to give me reassurances that he is changing / has changed if something looks like a slip up.
I just don’t know if I can really and fully trust him. It’s really sad.
I also feel confused about what I should accept and put up with. I know it’s all up to me – but I have nothing to compare it to bc this was really my first ever relationship. I know in theory what other relationships “should” be like – but only in theory. I don’t know if what we have is what an average relationship simply ends up being like. Maybe I am getting all worked up over things that I should just be willing to work through bc other relationships out there on average are pretty much the same?
It’s all so confusing. And maybe the fact that my marriage counsellor is not calling him out on the abuse is adding to my confusion.
Why are you opposed to telling a woman that got used for sex that she got used for sex? I assume it's because you would you prefer to lie to her so that people can continue to use her for sex, which is really disturbing.
I agree. They have already done what she wanted to a lesser extent. Maybe he got turned on by one of the guys? Maybe it has nothing to do with his wife at all. People in here acting like this is the first time they did something like this. Presumably it was fine for one other man/ woman to be with her because he was fine with it before. Something else is going on
Lol
Therapy
Does he reject sex when you initiate it? How often do you guys have alone time together where you relax and drink?
There are a million variables here.
Drop it
This is a lot for this soon.
No sounds more like another one of those “asked and answered” situations with a sprinkling of OP fishing for compliments regardless if they are true or not.
“Seems” like it’s important ?? ???
Men get postpartum depression too and it shows up like this. Not excusing him. Just throwing it out there as something to consider.
Fixing his high sex drive is no less ridiculous than fixing her low sex drive.
Neither needs fixing.
Very reasonable to break up with someone. I’m glad he didn’t cheat then break up with you.
Not even just that. But his reason is a huge red flag too.
He can’t put on his big boy pants and suck it up that his girlfriend has an apartment, so he wants to break up with her to spare his own feelings…
I couldn't even be in your shoes. I would scream at her to get the fuck out of my boyfriend's bed as soon as I saw her in it.
With total disbelief.
You actually sound like you have a keeper on your hands. Congrats man I’m really happy for you I wish I could meet a girl like that, the last girl I was talking to was more like the other girls and I could actually see her doing the things they accused your gf of doing.
Ehm, are you okey down there? Like, if he does sexual actions with his dog and you still have sex with him you maybe should yourself up just in case.vI don't think he only feed it his juck, he is probably having the dog lick his junk for pleasure. You can't compare eating meat with this, it doesn't validate any sexual actions he does to the dog “out of curiosity” just because you eat meat. He is sick. You need to leave him, but first make sure he never gets to have any animal in his presence ever again and get that dog away from him.
You (a) severely underestimate the frequency of, and (b) have been incredibly luck to avoid petty, ignorant people. They exist, believe me.
Weird how people never recognize racism in the mirror. I've never seen any real anti Asian racism amongst white people. I find this puzzling.
How can you play baseball in woods? Sounds like a bunch of crap to me.
It’s so stupid honestly. Like consent to what you want first obvi but just abstaining AFTER being DIVORCED is just a control tool for op.
You answered it yourself already. If someone else posted something exactly like this, what would you tell them? Re-read it and forget that it's you.
Dawg. Even the pros aren’t really pros
Should I wait until he’s better so he can do something towards the house? If I can do it, I’m not the type to sit on my rear end and wait for someone else to do it. Bit of a time crunch as well, the house goes on the market next weekend
Yes, it’s possible to stay in contact with ex’s, even be friends – while some people don’t mind, others do.
This woman is mature enough to accept she’s never going to be okay with this arrangement, and she’s letting you know now, so you consider whether this is a dealbreaker for you, before you both become too invested in the relationship. She is not forcing you or controlling you. She is making a choice for herself; she doesn’t want to date someone friendly with their ex’s.
You get to decide if you want to keep your arrangement with your ex over dating this woman, because she’s not going to keep dating you in the current arrangement. Dating is a compatibility test, after all, and it’s okay if things don’t match between you right now; neither person is wrong here. Just both looking for other people.
Gotcha.
Sounds like she got bored or whatever and was looking for way to make breaking up your fault. Sounds like you dodged a bullet.
What does that have to do with you?
OP don’t fall for time sink fallacy. It’s not too late to leave and find someone that brings you peace rather can confusion and exhaustion
Tell her that you are an autonomous person that can make your own decisions and decide what’s right for you. That this is what you want to do and she either needs to accept it and stop putting her own guilt/issues onto you or break up with you.
She’s got validation issues so she feels unworthy of a relationship without providing physical affection so it’s going to take a lot of patience. Tell her to stop worrying about you and only worry about what she wants.
If you weren't married I would be about 100% sure you're the mistress, but you're married (somehow)?
Anyway this is bullshit. Even if he and his family hate each other this is something that he should be able to be clear on with you. Even if you haven't met them because they're estranged you should be able to at least talk about this.
Definitely has the vibe of a double life.
“A long term relationship is about seeing eye to eye. This is hard to do as you seem to look down on me. Perhaps we are not right for each other”.
My husband had a vasectomy years ago. Sometime back we had a pregnancy scare. (2 months late). I talked to him about it. Of course he knew i was late but didn’t think too much about it. When I told him i was afraid that i was pregnant, he looked like a deer caught in headlights. Then he says in a joking manner (except he wasn’t) “well it can’t be mine.” I had already knew that would be in his head. I told him that I completely understood him. I would have questions too if i was him. Then i said if i was we would definitely get a paternity test to ease his mind. We did not argue, i think because we communicate well and I was the one that brought up the test. Hang in there OP.
Stop ordering take out. If someone comes to my house and wants food and I’ve not planned for it, they get toast or crisps.
Also ask gf about the money. Maybe she’s panicking about how to pay it back, you can agree a payment plan. Like £20 a week or something equally manageable.
Finally if she suggests something you just say “we can do that but I’ve not budgeted for us all, so maybe we should do something cheaper”. Either she offers then to pay for herself, or you do something else. There’s lots of free things, like nice walks, or watching a film together,
I wish I could be there to watch it, Dr. ughhhhh. I'll bet a lot of ppl on this thread would be there if they could.
You deserve that walk. You deserve all the flowers. It's a damn shame your family don't want to be the ones to give you your flowers, because this is one hell of an achievement. I pity them, and all that they have missed on this journey with you. They don't deserve to reach the destination with you, either. Go fucking slay (not literally!) ??
Don’t fall for it. Abusive people change when caught for a week or two. Sometimes three if lucky but then revert back to old ways once they grow tired or get what they want. She will cheat again. She will gaslight you. She will fuck with your head. Stick with the original plan and listen to your lawyer.
He ruined her new family. By telling her, you're allowing her to have a chance at being with someone who actually loves her. Imagine if she gets AIDS because he's cheating on her? She should know.
It doesn't seem like he's that interested in seeing you. When men want to, they make shit happen.
Maybe it's because I'm older, but if you haven't comingled your finances, I don't understand what her problem is. I can't imagine asking permission or even doing much more than saying, “by the way, I might buy a car this week.”
“Oh no! You're 31 year old bf has exes, how scandalous” – no one ever
Yes, it is.
Quick question: is touch a problem with you? Is this something new or something you've always had issues with? Are you just not a touchy person or is there a reason behind it?
As for talking to her about it, you can try nonverbal communication, like getting up to get a drink of water or pee or stretch and then sit in a different spot. If she asks you about it, however, you need to address it directly. Just say what you've said here. It's perfectly reasonable to say that you love her and like occasional cuddling but sometimes you need more space.
You didn’t elaborate too much on how you’re conversations went, but maybe it would be more effective to come at her with a “I really need you to have some integrity and be honest with me, or this broken trust will never be mended” kinda angle rather than just “I know you’re lying”
you could try calling her similar names and see if she cries.
Your right. It doesn’t matter. There’s more reasons why we are not compatible than just working together. But I guess I am a little curious none the less.
I kind off did the same. I knew my old boss to have lied previously about others performance to keep them from getting new offers. So I used HER boss who I had done projects for, one of the senior pathologists and a close coworker of mine.
When they asked on my interview why I didn't use my boss I was honest. That there was a risk that she would say bad things about me to stop me from leaving since she had done so to others before but also that I didn't want word to get around that I wanted to leave just yet. The three names I had given I trusted and they should be able to paint a fair picture of me.
She didn’t actively blame my mum. She insisted that we cannot discuss whilst my mum is in the cafe because it’s making her uncomfortable. My mum just had a fall in the morning. So I just wanted to give her a coffee treat since she asked. I don’t see why a compromise can’t be made
She wants to abandon you and your daughter. Tell it to her directly, if she goes on this trip, even if eventually she gracefully decides she wants to come back to your life, there will be nowhere to come back to, other than divorce.
She has responsibilities, you she can divorce, but she has a child, and if she is willing to abandon her than you will not be able to be with her, regarding if she ends unchanging her mind.
Reminds me of the guy who posted that he loves his life; he works part time, is happy with a bike for transport, and likes his girlfriend a lot. Girlfriend wants a plan for the future that includes home ownership but he’s a happy renter and does not want to sacrifice his lifestyle for her dream. While this simply proves they are not compatible (neither are wrong to prefer a different lifestyle) his question is how can he manage the situation in such a way that girlfriend is happy with his current lifestyle without leaving him. He offers no compromise except for her to compromise her dream. In truth, there is no compromise either can make that is fair to the other.
She could just tell him “make your own g.d. pancake,” but she doesn't. That's on her.
I feel like shit for staying this long. It feels like I can't end it now.
Better to end it now than to be stuck for 6 years!
No HE needs to tell her
Exactly. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t find her very hot. It means he finds her personality the most compelling thing about her.
Stay single until the kids are grown if you are not going to enforce boundaries around your ex verbally abusing the people in your life.
does he actually have sympathy for your trauma or is he upset that another man had a hold of you instead of him
This. OP, this “man” isn't a partner, he isn't learning about your trauma to assist in mitigating your triggers. He learned your trauma to control you. Sorry, but you went from one type of abuse to another. What exactly is he bringing into your life, besides constant berating and control over a situation that only tangentially affects him?
Dig deep, find your self respect, and end this relationship. You deserve to work in a home office where your body isn't being HURT. You deserve peace in your home. You deserve a partner that is aware of your trauma, but doesn't beat you over the head with it. Kick him out, find a therapist, and work on your self value.
He is literally hinting at the fact he wants you to give up your clothes, your car, and anything else you had before him. Tell him to get the fuck out already. Break up with him and stick to it! He is an abuser!
Your wife should always take priority over your brother in law! If you don’t tell her, prepare for your relationship to take a huge hit and possibly end.
So if you could wave a magic wand and increase your partners size by 1 inch (length and girth) and leave absolutely everything else unchanged you wouldn’t do it? He’s still the same guy. Still does other stuff to you just as well. He’s just as thoughtful and considerate and unselfish, but a little bit bigger and fuller. It wouldn’t feel any better?
Thank you. I appreciate your perspective.
HE IS A DOUCHEBAG and you need to get out!
This is not a relationship between two equals, he obviously does not love you, at all, and is a danger to you.
Get out, get counseling, go no contact, find somewhere else, anywhere else, to on-line.
You have not listed a single positive thing about this “man”, so I can tell you do not love him. You are being abused, right now, by a future psycho.
Stop it, get the hell out of that relationship yesterday!
You poor thing. He must be convinced you are his doormat.
Was her husband there? He didn’t have any issues with the relationship? Did you talk to her husband about anything?
Once someone realizes they can control you in this way and that you'll always be there, do as they want and keep coming around that is the only treatment you'll ever get from them. I've been here before.
Respect yourself because he doesn't and enough is enough. We teach people how to treat us and right now he thinks this is acceptable. Tell him a time that you'll be there to get him and then wait HOURS after the fact. Just one time. Then stop going at all. He is 21 years old. He should have a license. Let him figure out a way to come and see you.
I've been asking her, both face to face and over the phone… She just doesn't seem keen to open up. I dont think pressing the issue more will make it better, itd make her close up more… which isnt something i want. Thank you
How would she feel if you went out for drinks, solo, with another woman?
Like.. what purpose do they have going out alone? I understand people have friends, but this guy just sounds like a coworker.
Talk to her about it.
Thank you. We discussed counseling, and he’s open to it. I think I need it for myself at the very least because I’m having trouble unseeing what I saw in those texts.
The lawyer and finance situation is not something I had thought of. Thank you for that. It’s a good point.
Thank you for your replies and helping me
you're saying anyone who doesn't behave like you is lame? I think it's lame to freak out because your partner had sex with other people years ago.
Honey, you can want what you want and she can want what she wants. She does no want to be with you. It's not going to happen. Get a hobby, catch up with friends, read a book.
Like why wouldn’t you want to celebrate an important event like that with someone you love. Does he hang with these friends frequently?
Her sister knew about it early on since she helped her move her stuff out. Her mom didn't know, but I told her when the mom and sister showed up at my door while my ex was still in the hospital. They were begging me to see her but I said the other guy should go in my place since he was worth throwing our relationship out the door. Her mom was confused and her sister and I explained what happened. Her mom was really upset about all of this.
That's a really sweet story, and I'm so glad you guys got to finish it for her. Thanks for this, it definitely gives me some needed confidence to keep plugging away!