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you need a new bf.
I find it odd that she is going to have drinks at a house and then go out drinking with a guy that she never mention to you before. They cannot be that close if you never heard of him before.
I also find it odd that she is going to hang out with his friends like this. She cannot be close to them.
Another odd thing is she did not invite you when she does so with her female friends.
Talk to her ask her why she did not invite you, and ask her why she going to pre-bar drinking with a group of people she never brought up to you. Ask her if she really wants to be in a relationship because what she is planning to do is not something someone in a committed relationship would plan.
If she gets defensive explain why to her. It is not normal for someone in a relationship to go to a house with a person of the opposite sex to have drinks with that person's friends and then head out to the bar.
You are not being paranoid/controlling. I know when I was young and a guy I was dating try to do what your girlfriend was doing we would have had a serious discussion and if he was wanted to go out and hang out with that girl he never brought up before and I did not know we would be done.
Exactly! When they act as decoys they maje it clear they are a certain age, or else they would have no case if they claimed to be an adult.
Honestly? I'm you, in 16 years. I caught my husband chatting with other women live! for the first time maybe 5 years ago? The second time I was 8m pregnant and felt like I had no way out. The last time, two years ago, I separated from him for a year. We did counseling and alll the things. If we didn't already have a house and two young kids together- I would have called it quits a long time ago. We worked so nude to fix everything. It looks like you don't have those ties yet- do you really want to go through this, multiple times? I guarantee it won't just be once. You only found out bc he was blackmailed.
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I understand your explanation. Do you understand that jumping to judgments based purely on your own assessments is problematic, and can cause difficulties with future discussions? If you have already made up your mind as to a person's behavior, it tends to direct how you relate to them later on.
If interactions between the two of you are strained and difficult, then it stands to reason that she may want to avoid spending time with you. I know I personally avoid people that are difficult to talk to, or are always making assumptions about how I feel, what I am thinking, or why I do what I do. It's exhausting having to perpetually defend yourself and/or explain your actions & thoughts.
A conversation with her about this topic shouldn't be viewed as a conflict. It should be viewed as a chance to have open dialogue and improve your relationship. If you approach her constructively, speak about your feelings, avoid judgments, and express how much she means to you & how important it is to have a positive relationship, I'm sure she would be willing to listen to you. Also, be willing & open to hear criticism of yourself. Heck, even go so far as to ask for it. She may have some concerns about your behavior, and it's good to hear her out. It could give you insights into how you are being perceived. Don't jump to defend yourself & your actions, really hear her out & understand where she is coming from. Once you have established that trust, ask her to do the same for you.
Unreal to me.
Yeah I get that it's hard to get rejected every time. It's not a good feeling.
I obviously don't know what she's feeling, but I'm gonna give a bit of my story because I've found it's actually a pretty common experience had by a lot of women, especially during our 20s and teenage years when we're just figuring out sex and what consent actually means. Again, idk if this pertains to your girlfriend so take from it what you will. If anything, it could be a different perspective for you to view it from.
I had a similar relationship dynamic with one of my exes. I was the one to reject him nearly every time. I think for me it began with the huffs and puffs from him whenever I said I wasn't in the mood. Which evolved into bigger huffs and puffs. His reactions made me feel guilty. Which in turn made me feel like he was pressuring me for sex. And the more pressured I felt, the more I didn't want to have sex because it felt like a duty or that he thought I owed it to him. It sort of snowballed tbh. I began to make up excuses about why I didn't want to have sex. (Mostly because I felt like I needed to justify not being in the mood since a “no” didn't seem like an acceptable answer to him.) Eventually it got to a point where we had sex a few times a year and that was it. Basically we only did it when I felt like I had to fulfill some duty or, more often, when I just wanted him to just shut the fuck up nagging me about it. Honestly, I realize now that I ended up hating him for it (plus a host of other reasons) and he was totally blind to it. He thought our relationship was great, except for our sex life. I didn't leave earlier bc he was financially dependent on me and I felt guilty knowing he'd probably have no where else to go. And also because I cared about him. Both of us sucked at communicating and we stayed together much longer than we should have.
For years I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought I just had a low sex drive, despite knowing that early in our relationship I had a high one. But after we broke up, my sex drive came back with a vengeance. Turns out it wasn't me, it was our relationship and it boiled down to me not feeling like it was safe and acceptable to say no.
I didn't really know all this stuff was why I didn't want to have sex with him at the time, this is all stuff I've pieced together years later. I think I knew at some level but I just didn't want to see it and face those feelings. So I just let things continue and fester until I just couldn't take it anymore.
But yeah, in general, feeling pressured into sex by a partner is not at all an uncommon experience for many women, so I think that's at least something to consider as something that may be in play.
Either way, it's clear you guys are struggling to communicate effectively. Communication is a skill and it must be learned and practiced. And just like with every other skill, there are right ways and wrong ways to do it. You guys can talk and talk and talk, but if you aren't doing it in a way where your partner can really hear you and feel heard, then it's just noise.
I'd really recommend either just breaking up, OR you both get into individual counseling and couples counseling. (there should be 3 separate counselors for this to avoid a conflict of interest) You should also look for a couples therapist who has experience treating couples with sexual issues.
And if you go the therapy route, it would be good to put a temporary hold on any sex whatsoever at least until you discuss it more with your therapist. Clearly there's an underlying issue that's causing your girlfriend to not want to engage in sex and until she can figure out what that is (thru therapy), it wouldn't be good to continue making her feel pressured.
It's totally valid to just want to break up at this point though. If that's what you want to do. Sex is an important thing for many people and that's okay.
I wish ya luck whatever you decide to do!
sounds like my ex, was EXHAUSTING. i dealt w/ it for a year and a half and honestly shouldn't have. time to sit down and talk it out or leave
I've looked it up many times before. I still don't understand why this is any more likely than someone lashing out in anger or frustration because they're tired or irritable. People do this due to a variety of disorders, and even sometimes when there is nothing that has risen to the point of being pathological.
The link I found when I looked it up yet again described it exactly like a toddler tantrum with the caveat that it isn't because the person literally doesn't have the skills to cope with it. I don't understand how someone would be employable unless they selectively do this kind of thing around one person. They have skills and aren't using them. And please don't bring up “masking” because that's not how meltdowns work.
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