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Why would you have a kid with someone who made clear that she planned on having 2 children and expect her to be okay with you changing your mind? She had a plan that you knew was set in stone for her. You agreed to the plan. Now you are changing the terms. You can do that, because this is your life, but it is also reasonable for her to insist this remains non-negotiable for her.
You feel insulted that having a second baby is more important to her than your relationship? Guess what? You seem to feel that not having a second child is more important than your relationship.
You can’t change a narcissist. Particularly one of that age.
He won’t ever accept that his actions are wrong. You’re already minimising and not broaching issues because you’re scared of his reaction.
Please ask yourself why you want to be with someone who treats you so badly in the first place. Do better for yourself ffs.
Men say this kind of thing to women all the time. Gaining weight often makes people seem less attractive. If you are doing things together now, are you getting closer? Can you forgive her for hurting your feelings? How many times must she apologize before you let it go? What does she have to do to deserve to move on?
The dude made a joke and clearly wasn't expecting you to be this upset. If he's sorry, then forgive him and move on. Don't listen to the morons telling you to dump him or some other bullshit
Honestly, your girlfriend is exhibiting a lot of signs of cheating. The withdrawal of intimacy, the resentful behavior, the back and forth emotions(angry at you one day, all loving the next), the lack of communication. All of this on top of the long distance relationship where she has ample opportunity.
Even if that's not the case, as you've clearly pointed out there's something wrong here. You've every right to tell her you're not flying up there to see her to play roommate for a few days. There's never going to be a “good time” to drop it on her though. If you fall into the trap of now it's not a good time because of her birthday. Next month it'll be your anniversary, another holiday or something else. The worst thing you can do it kick the can down the road. Things won't get better unless you make them better.