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If you want out, stop looking for excuses to put it off. Get it over with, you’re wasting both of your time.
Tell her how you feel, and then make your decision based on how she responds.
Why did you have to comment this ?
People are replying plenty, but I will address other things that likely will go against the grain. There can be improvements to your communication style and reaction, which are not conducive to a mutually respectful dynamics in your relationship. It's obvious that your partner is out of line, disrespectful, etc but I'll not focus on him because others are doing plenty and I can't talk to him.
He came upstairs- drunk, music still blasting, and goes “oh you are still up?”. I said “ya! The music woke me up, turn it down please”. The response? “It’s not that loud”. At this point I am frustrated I snapped and was like “are you f*cking kidding? Are you seriously telling me how I feel?!” To which he responded “it can be louder”.
Up until this point, you handled the situation beautifully. However, texting a super drunk person and expecting them to read, comprehend, and apply what's being asked of them isn't particularly realistic. Think of his being drunk as how toddler may behave. They don't realize or even are aware of the ramifications of their actions.
Snapping at him, regardless of justification, isn't being as respectful as you want him to be towards you. One, you're not achieving much, both because he's drunk and this type of communication will make people defensive. Two, you took his one line about the music not being loud personal, as if it was an insult or a dig at you. It most likely wasn't. Saying music isn't loud isn't telling you what your feelings are. Considering how drunk he is, it makes sense that it wouldn't be loud, to him.
Now. I know you cannot negotiate with an intoxicated person. I yelled “I’m asking you to turn it down slightly or turn the base off. Again, I work and I am woken up by this! Don’t be a d*ck.” and turned over.
You're aware you can't negotiate with him, which also imples you can't get through to him. Yelling at him will not change this. Again, think about what yelling at a toddler achieves. It isn't helpful, just makes it worse. It's justified and understandable, but it's not measured and conducive to the healthy relationship you seem to want.
HE WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND TURNED IT UP.
Super childish of course, disrespectful even. But again, in this situation, this illustrates that you might as well be dealing with a toddler.
I am so upset, I almost want to tell him I won’t be going to dinner. At his family’s place today. But I know that’s taking it out on the wrong people. I will be a tired mess tomorrow and likely won’t want to even go cause I am the type to hold anger. It’s important to him that I go and I feel this is the only way to get him to understand.
Here you're still reeling from the situation but I love (and I'm impressed) that you're still able to challenge your own reaction to the event, and introspect at how you deal with anger. I'm so sorry about the situation and I fully empathize with how upsetting it would be.
But this isn't the only way to get him to understand. This is just reactionary. This is “you did something hurtful/disrespectful to me and I'll get you back”. This is punitive. And you're right, it would really just be taking it on others, rather than him even. You're never going to find yourself in a healthy relationship if this is how you handle upsetting events. Bottom line is no relationship, romantic or not, will survive this approach.
Do I not go? I will be having this conversation tomorrow but I am currently stunned and in shock with his response to my simple request that was polite and respectful.
Up until after the text message it was polite and respectful. It did a 180 after that. Again imagine a drunk person vomiting on their way home from a bender, is it that shocking/stunning? I think you mentioned him not usually being like this. Is it worth likely nuking your relationship over an isolated case of this magnitude?
You're fully justified in not going (not that my opinion matters). And it fact, I would suggest not going, and sharing with him why you're not going. But if your not wanting to go is about punishing him, you'd be a toddler reacting to a toddler.
Sorry for the incessant monologue. I say all this not from the perspective of you're wrong and it's not a big deal (it very much fucking is) but that of someone who's dealt with situations like these 300% worse that you'd be doing. I have been and still am doing personal therapy and marriage counseling, and though I have made progress and still have a lot to make, I at least can recognize these patterns that made my relationship and personal life an unhappy, unhealthy and unfulfilled mess.
Regardless of if you want to continue this relationship or not, I would highly suggest addressing this communication style, your handling of anger/emotions and anything else.
You're clearly a considerate and, I'm sure, a lovely person. Don't let yourself diverge from this.
As I finish typing this it is 3:45 AM and music still blasting.
What a dick.
Rip the bandaid off, my friend. Prewarning: it's going to suck. Splitting the furniture, finding new accommodation(s), splitting up the friends, never see the families again (or that could be a plus), you're probably going to feel like you made a mistake, that you miss her, that you're lonely now, what if you never find someone again? But bit by bit you will feel SO much better once it's done. Basically, it's just a hump that you have to get through to get to the rest of your life.
If she likes to guilt you, then just don't engage. 'I think it's time we end it, and I'd like to do so as amicably as possible', is the core message, and no matter what she says, don't retort, don't react, just stick to the message. She probably feels exactly the same way you do, but change is awful and no one likes it, but it's sometimes necessary to on-line the rest of your life on your terms. You're both still young, and have so much to look forward to. Just need to get this outta the way.
You seem to be extraordinarily critical of every single person who has tried to help you for someone with so little self confidence.
If you're leaving town what does it matter anyway?
She needs to get out Right Now. So so scary
Only other times I've heard of it was in clearly abusive relationships.
Break up with him. Let the poor guy find a woman who's into him
Autistic people can be assholes. It would be weird if they couldn’t be. They’re human too, doesn’t really matter why they’re dicks. Usually, people have a reason for being assholes, doesn’t matter if it was an overly competitive mom, autism or inherited anger issues. You have every right to get rid of a joy sucking dementor
In my opinion he would be too controlling for me to continue dating. Sounds like he made you unhappy and you two are not compatible.
Oh ok. I missed that