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Lola & Scout, 19 y.o.
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It's about 20%
It's always been around this number though
impress what?
Hey, this is messy and complicate. Just because it does seem you both have feelings for each other, and there is definitely some sort of friendship, but there is a large mixture of feelings and actions that are messing up the ability for everyone to see and navigate clearly.
I would suggest that it may be better to separate the issue into 3 different areas, and consider them one by one and how they make you feel. The Past, the present and the future.
The Past
If you were a 3rd party, and someone told you about someone else doing this how would you feel? Namely, if a couple you knew were having a very hot time broke up, and after that one of them slept with someone, how much would it be a problem? We must admit that even if only weeks later, did she actually do anything wrong sleeping with someone. She was single after all. So, if anything the problem of sleeping with someone relates to you, a past person whom had basically cut contact with her (remember, at the time she had no one). Seeing she was in a bad place, and broken up with whom supported her, how much is she to blame for seeking emotional refuge in the arms of someone who made her feel desired and attractive. Is is wrong? No. Is it a questionable decision? Yes. Is it understandable – For me personally yes.
But it's important to recognize fact that it emotionally hurts your ego (of course it does, we always hope that person sacrifices themselves for us, even when there isn't a reason to do that). Part here is also controlling your “dark” urges to find out more about what happened. Diving into it and exploring to gain more understanding will not satisfy that urge and only serve to hurt you and her her (as she will be ashamed and it will be like confessing on the stand about past mistakes. no one wants to do that)
So here you have to make your first decision (and one you need to think about and stick with it forever). Are you willing to overcome your personal feelings and accept she had a right to do it and a right to privacy from what may have been a very personal mistake? Or Do you require that she still be faithful, even after you split up, or at least for a time you consider but didn't communicate?
Not being able to forgive and overcome then I would seriously advise you to keep a distance and stay away from a relationship until you can. Or else it will be born (Or reborn) on shaking foundations and be difficult to rebuild on those foundations
I also believe her fear of not knowing how you handle this may also be restricting her ability to see what lies in the future
The present
If you decided you are willing to overcome, forgive and forget, there is now the need for you to decide on your feelings. Knowing she is saying “sometime but not now” means she, having you guys been broken up, wants a friend but not a romantic entanglement.
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If she is communicating that you also have a choice of what to do now: a) Stay a friend. or b) Stay an ex. but not a friend or c) Demand she change her mind and have a romantic relationship
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I'll start (as this is advice) by crossing out C). With all the past and what she is saying, cornering her into a “if you see a future together, you must start now” will most likely be wrong. Again, a ultimatum is rarely good base to start a relationship, and one now is very likely to be wrong as well.
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Between a) and b) what will be your decision? I would base it on how it makes you feel, and seeing what you wrote I have doubts. Being a friend and confident sounds naked for you, and you seem to be struggling in being that person for her. If you want to be that friend, I would advise drawing boundaries on certain subjects, such as sleeping with others, or on both of your relationship and future. These subjects will cause confusion and you two need some time apart from that issue as you process it.
If you choose b) it's a perfect rational choice. Sometimes feelings don't allow us to be honest friends. Sometimes time apart can be good. Even for any future, her having more people she can count on to talk with and find support is good. Sometimes a good friend doesn't allow her to find that. It can also help you deal with the breakup, deal with what happened, and allow you to be stronger emotionally for the future.
I personally find that learning to be alone after a tough relationship, strengths future relationships. Even if it's back to the same one
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The future
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Finally both of you need time. You need time to find yousrselves and be clear about what you want.
If she see's a potential future then she should go and come back when she knows she wants that. Wanting “a future” but only “in the future” is bad for her, and emotionally draining and unfair on you. What are you supposed to do? Wait?
I believe that once again, for present and for future reasons, you guys need that “romantic relationship” part to be put aside. Aside from conversations as well. So much so that the decision now is “you won't have a future together” even if that may change. But that when it changes it is from “wont” to “lets build it”.
Whenever a couple are in this “hanging pattern” mode it is bad for everyone. If there aren't the conditions for a relationship now, then there isn't a relationship.
If there is a potential for a relationship in the future then that relationship deserves the right to be born correctly, and not be something that was stuck on life support.
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Remember, that out of the ashes of a forest, sometimes the strongest trees will grow, but it needs time to replant the seed and let it grow, and digging it up everytime to have a look will only harm it.
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TLDR: Her sleeping with others is her decision and right. Either forgive her and overcome it or move on. If you can fight to urge to pick at that wound any hope of a future relationship will be better if you stop conversations about relationships and feelings until you both have a clear picture of what you want and have more stability that will allow any relationship to flourish. (in necessary distance)
Yes. What he did by making that report was something that will actually make the police care about what's going on. It's a crap shoot whether they'll be willing to help you but once he made false reports and created more work for them his shit started affecting them and they'll likely care more about him wasting their time than him harassing or threatening OP. It's sad but that's the state of things. He shot himself in the foot by filing a false report and may even find himself arrested for it.
Fair enough appreciate the insight
If she feels like a fish out of water where you guys are, can you guys send her back to South Asia, get her a place to stay over there closer to family, help pay for her monthly bills then visit occasionally with husband and your family?
Totally know about this cultural issue. And yeah, my relationship with my parents can be considered 'toxic. But since my parents are older (much older than yours, OP), we've (my husband and I) decided that we want them to live with us once they have to (right now, they'd rather not lol, they live in their own home, etc).
Per my suggestion above, the reason I mention it is because my mother said she was considering going back 'home' to her home country (although she's not a citizen over there anymore) and live! in one of those 'old homes'/apartments, she said, she's priced it and she thought she could afford it with her pension. If that's what she chooses, of course, we'll also supply her monthly living.
Dude, you are so putting words in my mouth. Just stop. We don’t agree. I’m done arguing with someone not willing to even consider that there might be more than one right answer.
I'm really, really sorry this happened to you. Your fast and decisive action to get him out and get a lawyer is very admirable – it's gonna be okay in the end, I promise.
This happened to me awhile back, and life gets good again, but the middle part can suck a lot. Get a good therapist so you can vent and process the whole thing.
I hope the affair partner is no longer living with your mother. I would have a huge big problem with that myself. She can wait out her fire rebuild on someone else's couch. Your mom should tell the church leadership why she rescinded the offer as well. “Broke up my daughter's marriage within weeks of meeting my son to be ex son in law” is probably information other potentially kind church members ought to hear ahead of making her the same offer.
Good lord, this was the arrangement BEFORE you got said pup. You did it and now are trying to make him feel bad about a boundary he put up?
I had a dog when I met my partner, and her dog died in 2014 (3 years before I met her). My dog and I moved in to her place 3.5 years ago and the agreement was that I was responsible for all her care, gf was responsible for snugs and loving on her (they ADORED each other).
Sadly my dog passed away one year ago this week. I miss her terribly, but after being a dog mom for 12 years (and 14 for my partner with her dog) we don’t want to commit to another one as we are enjoying our freedom.
Hope you don’t want kids as they would likely send you into a tailspin. I am childfree by choice and see all of my peers drowning in hockey, etc. No thank you!
It gets easier when they are out of puppy stage, but please ensure you have the time and $$ to provide this pup with a good life.
The good doesn't outweigh any of this. These are things that make a relationship non functional
Yeah, I have one, lol. Again, this isn’t something that happens often…I don’t generally get emotional like that bc I’m somewhat past a lot of things, but I think I was just heavily triggered bc I haven’t had to deal with that in a very long time. I’ve seen my mom twice in the past year and we don’t really talk…if that helps clarify lol
Why is her happiness more important than yours? If she’s not the right person she’s not the right person. Staying with her is doing both of you a disservice. Break ups are hot, but you’ll both get over it and move on with your lives. You don’t have to hate each other, but you can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.