I’m sorry OP. This is a very tough place to be in, to observe a loved one basically self-destruct in an effort to keep a one-sided manipulative relationship going. It’s so very clear to you and to the people in your friend’s orbit that she is a walking ?, but your friend cannot or will not see what you all see at this time.
Though this is a complicated situation I’m going to offer what hopefully is a simple plan for you. I would take a moment to tell your friend these things: you care about him, you respect his autonomy and ability to make his own choices as he sees fit as a grown-ass man, that you see things that concern you as someone who only wants the best for him, and that for your own good you’ll be taking some space, but that you are still his friend and you’ll be there for him when his relationship ends. Tell him the drama is too much and that it’s painful for you to see him this way. This woman seems a bit unhinged and has already targeted you, right? No need to give her more opportunity to drag you into drama, and you taking space (rather than getting into his business) might actually make him think about his situation differently. Good luck OP.
if you tried to argue the same point as the person you’re replying to, they’re wrong and so were you, so you probably got jumped on for discrediting the paternity of a child that isn’t yours and using incorrect information to do so.
So when you are doing these things, are you alerting her to your presence BEFORE you touch her? Because from the bar story you related, it sounds like she may not have known it was YOU touching her. I've had bad reactions like this when my husband has come up to me in a public place and touched me without me first knowing he was there, and even if I then look and see him there, I am still terrified and upset. So he stopped doing it without first letting me know that it's him. It is VERY scary for a woman to be unexpectedly touched in public, especially grabbed around the waist or something, and I think you may not be appreciative of that.
There are many men who do not like licking and he might be one of them but not wanting to kiss you that you like is something concerning. Stop giving him bjs unless he tries to go down on you and if he wants bj then be clear to him that he has to do the same for you to get it in return. It seems that he is selfish and he is not a guy for you so better if you rethink on your relationship with him over this as sexual compatibility is an important thing in relationship that you do not have with him and will never have ever. Overall, you deserve a better partner and sex life so if you continue with him for any reason then you are the one who is choosing to live! a miserable life so put your foot down.
It really is. It's an ultimatum, it's coercive control, it's a threat, it's manipulation. It is absolutely abusive. It's also reproductive coercion, although not the same as tampering with birth control or forcing someone into an abortion it is still a revolting thing to do. Have a discussion about reproduction and if an agreement can't be met, leave. You don't threaten someone into creating life. You have to some kind of special asshole to do that.
Go. Think about yourself first. Being in love is great, but you will always be a part of your own life. You will always live with yourself and be in your own life. Make sure you are happy and stable.
It is fair that his mind has changed, but make sure you don't only think about the now. He wants to stay because he could get a stable life where he is now, that doesn't mean you will.
You don't have to break up, I know a lot of people in your shoes and they make it work. It is very hot, but if you love one another, it could work.
It's good you're trying to compromise, but are you covering all the options? There might be others besides back home vs where you are. Starting with your wife, what would make this more appealing to her? Would she be more on board if you suggested a couple long weekend trips and maybe a longer visit during the summer? Does her sister have any desire to move back home? Are you living in this town because her sister is there? If so, maybe she owes you one!
Or…flipping it, what options are there for you to be more willing to not live in your hometown? FL is growing exponentially, meaning there are are probably cities within an hour or so from your hometown where you'd have teaching opportunities, but you're not “moving back home”? Even 2-3 hours away could work. if that's what it takes.
You can’t make anyone do anything. You can try to get them help, but no you can’t just physically drag someone out of a house because you don’t agree with their choice to drink.
He attempted suicide after a phone call where OP “stood [their] ground” and was “very angry.” That sounds like OP ripped him a new one for not attending the night away.
While I think OP has every right to be upset after being stood up five times in a single month, it sounds like he might be experiencing severe depression.
Some of the symptoms of depression include lack of motivation, cancelling plans last minute due to the lack of motivation, losing attachment/feelings for things (and people) that you love… and attempting to, or thinking about taking your own life.
There are some things left unidentified. What events has he stood up in the past month? What was his reasoning for these events? This is important to understanding his mind set.
Regardless, I do agree that OP's partner is in no way mentally capable of taking care of himself, let alone a fragile little person. It is 100% in OP's best interest to put space between them, at least until he gets the help he needs. Medically, mentally and otherwise.
Could their relationship be abusive, toxic and all the in between? It could be. But this single incident does not sound like emotional abuse.
If he had threatened the suicide attempt, it would be an entirely different story.
I hope all parties in this situation seek the help that is needed. Good luck OP, and try distracting yourself with immersive hobbies. Stress can be very dangerous during pregnancy, for both mom and child.
If i understood well, people host scholarship kids for money. Are you so broke you need to rent a room to a complete stranger? Or is she doing it out of her good heart?
I am serious, how did she justify it to her status obsessed “friends”?
I’ve told her that, but Ally’s a pathological liar. She’s lied her way out of a lot of trouble. Somehow she called out sick, went to a concert that night, got caught, and never got repercussions. And in the end it’s one person’s word against the other.
I completely agreed and it’s what I would do, but she doesn’t have the confidence anyone will believe her. Not anyone high enough to do anything about it.
calm your tits. you got emotional for a stranger’s husband over their own private thoughts they never shared with him.
I’m sorry OP. This is a very tough place to be in, to observe a loved one basically self-destruct in an effort to keep a one-sided manipulative relationship going. It’s so very clear to you and to the people in your friend’s orbit that she is a walking ?, but your friend cannot or will not see what you all see at this time.
Though this is a complicated situation I’m going to offer what hopefully is a simple plan for you. I would take a moment to tell your friend these things: you care about him, you respect his autonomy and ability to make his own choices as he sees fit as a grown-ass man, that you see things that concern you as someone who only wants the best for him, and that for your own good you’ll be taking some space, but that you are still his friend and you’ll be there for him when his relationship ends. Tell him the drama is too much and that it’s painful for you to see him this way. This woman seems a bit unhinged and has already targeted you, right? No need to give her more opportunity to drag you into drama, and you taking space (rather than getting into his business) might actually make him think about his situation differently. Good luck OP.
if you tried to argue the same point as the person you’re replying to, they’re wrong and so were you, so you probably got jumped on for discrediting the paternity of a child that isn’t yours and using incorrect information to do so.
So when you are doing these things, are you alerting her to your presence BEFORE you touch her? Because from the bar story you related, it sounds like she may not have known it was YOU touching her. I've had bad reactions like this when my husband has come up to me in a public place and touched me without me first knowing he was there, and even if I then look and see him there, I am still terrified and upset. So he stopped doing it without first letting me know that it's him. It is VERY scary for a woman to be unexpectedly touched in public, especially grabbed around the waist or something, and I think you may not be appreciative of that.
There are many men who do not like licking and he might be one of them but not wanting to kiss you that you like is something concerning. Stop giving him bjs unless he tries to go down on you and if he wants bj then be clear to him that he has to do the same for you to get it in return. It seems that he is selfish and he is not a guy for you so better if you rethink on your relationship with him over this as sexual compatibility is an important thing in relationship that you do not have with him and will never have ever. Overall, you deserve a better partner and sex life so if you continue with him for any reason then you are the one who is choosing to live! a miserable life so put your foot down.
This.
There's no hinting that should be going on. If you are that childish, you shouldnt have sex.
It really is. It's an ultimatum, it's coercive control, it's a threat, it's manipulation. It is absolutely abusive. It's also reproductive coercion, although not the same as tampering with birth control or forcing someone into an abortion it is still a revolting thing to do. Have a discussion about reproduction and if an agreement can't be met, leave. You don't threaten someone into creating life. You have to some kind of special asshole to do that.
Jesus. What a shit show.
Go. Think about yourself first. Being in love is great, but you will always be a part of your own life. You will always live with yourself and be in your own life. Make sure you are happy and stable.
It is fair that his mind has changed, but make sure you don't only think about the now. He wants to stay because he could get a stable life where he is now, that doesn't mean you will.
You don't have to break up, I know a lot of people in your shoes and they make it work. It is very hot, but if you love one another, it could work.
It's good you're trying to compromise, but are you covering all the options? There might be others besides back home vs where you are. Starting with your wife, what would make this more appealing to her? Would she be more on board if you suggested a couple long weekend trips and maybe a longer visit during the summer? Does her sister have any desire to move back home? Are you living in this town because her sister is there? If so, maybe she owes you one!
Or…flipping it, what options are there for you to be more willing to not live in your hometown? FL is growing exponentially, meaning there are are probably cities within an hour or so from your hometown where you'd have teaching opportunities, but you're not “moving back home”? Even 2-3 hours away could work. if that's what it takes.
You can’t make anyone do anything. You can try to get them help, but no you can’t just physically drag someone out of a house because you don’t agree with their choice to drink.
Woah. Emotional abuse? That is a far stretch.
He attempted suicide after a phone call where OP “stood [their] ground” and was “very angry.” That sounds like OP ripped him a new one for not attending the night away.
While I think OP has every right to be upset after being stood up five times in a single month, it sounds like he might be experiencing severe depression.
Some of the symptoms of depression include lack of motivation, cancelling plans last minute due to the lack of motivation, losing attachment/feelings for things (and people) that you love… and attempting to, or thinking about taking your own life.
There are some things left unidentified. What events has he stood up in the past month? What was his reasoning for these events? This is important to understanding his mind set.
Regardless, I do agree that OP's partner is in no way mentally capable of taking care of himself, let alone a fragile little person. It is 100% in OP's best interest to put space between them, at least until he gets the help he needs. Medically, mentally and otherwise.
Could their relationship be abusive, toxic and all the in between? It could be. But this single incident does not sound like emotional abuse.
If he had threatened the suicide attempt, it would be an entirely different story.
I hope all parties in this situation seek the help that is needed. Good luck OP, and try distracting yourself with immersive hobbies. Stress can be very dangerous during pregnancy, for both mom and child.
If i understood well, people host scholarship kids for money. Are you so broke you need to rent a room to a complete stranger? Or is she doing it out of her good heart?
I am serious, how did she justify it to her status obsessed “friends”?
I’ve told her that, but Ally’s a pathological liar. She’s lied her way out of a lot of trouble. Somehow she called out sick, went to a concert that night, got caught, and never got repercussions. And in the end it’s one person’s word against the other.
I completely agreed and it’s what I would do, but she doesn’t have the confidence anyone will believe her. Not anyone high enough to do anything about it.
He has a problem. End it. He is so not worth it.
Nope never did I once say or justify cheating or any of that, I just said that in comparison to what our problems were.
Second she did go through that, but how did I victimize myself if I explained why I wanted unprotected sex?
Third what's my religion have to do with that? I am not that religious, I said why we contacted each other and for further context.
Fourth, thanks for the info I guess, but it doesn't seem to me that you understood my comparisons, please quote where I justified cheating.