She has decided that she doesnāt want to be in a relationship with you, but is too cowardly to tell you.
So you phone or text her (do not do it in person) and tell her that her actions have shown you that she no longer wants a relationship with you, so you are ending the relationship.
Then you block her on everything. Let all your mutual friends know exactly why you have ended the relationship (do this as soon as possible afterwards, so there is little chance that she can twist the truth to make her look better)
Thank you ! You said you met your gf on tinder, how did you two initially get to know each other better? Iām kind of a shy/awkward person and itās been naked for me to open myself up completely to him
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And weāre back to her original complaint that he never puts effort into gifts. If all you want is his money to spend, donāt complain that he doesnāt make occasions magical.
It has the potential to turn ugly. So far it's been simple high fives or hugs. I wouldn't try anything. I get what you mean though. Tread carefully. I would not go there.
A broken happy household is better than a miserable household. She forgot your child because she was cheating. There is no excuse for forgetting your child āfor hoursā. Your kid knows when things are not right. He will get security from being loved and feeling safe and as long as YOU provide those things for him he will be fine!! You will both be better if without her drama and mistreatment!!
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Yep he's definitely abusing you. He's controlling as well. They usually wait until they think they have you locked down (IE living together) to start the abuse. This explains why he didn't seem to have a problem with you dressing the way you do before. You should definitely leave but don't tell him that you're doing that. He may react violently even if he's never hit you before.
Try to get birth control and hide it from him. He's purposely trying to get you pregnant because he thinks you'll be trapped in the relationship. You won't but having a child definitely makes leaving harder. This is why he gets mad when you won't have sex with him and threatens to cheat on you.
Also, you should know that him threatening to cheat in order to get you to have sex is a form of rape. It's called rape by coercion. Unless you enthusiastically consent, it's rape. You're also allowed to withdraw consent at any time. If you're in the states, call 1 800 799 SAFE
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Doesnāt address the mental health affects of not having your own career, own sense of identity, and break from kids at home and time around adults professionally. And not putting an education to use.
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What I would say is his viewpoint may or may not be valid depending on what your inheritance is like, because when you're planning a life with someone, you want someone who is responsible about their financial future.
If you have one of those crazy inheritances where you'll be able to live comfortably, and cover emergency expenses like medical issues, damage to the home or your car, etc., then it's not really valid for him to say you should have a job just for the sake of it. It would be valid to say since you have 40-50 more hours a week of free time than he does, the housework should really be your primary responsibility. It would be valid for him to say that he doesn't feel like your values align if you don't feel the internal motivation to do something productive- art, volunteer work, working on a fruit and vegetable garden, etc.- with your life even though you can afford not to work. But for him to be crying “it's not fair you don't have a job” is childish.
HOWEVER…if you're living of an inheritance because it will allow you to not work for a couple of years, and then plan to work once it runs out, I would consider that a huge red flag and run. Responsible adults understand that their working years are meant to put them into a safe and secure position in retirement, or in case of a medical emergency. If someone planned on spending their money down to nothing before starting to work, then I know they don't have that level of common sense, and I wouldn't want to tie my future to them.
Honestly you are being too analytical. Letās try and simplify and focus on how these guys make you feel.
Guy #1: obviously you have great chemistry and you are very attached to him; however he talks down to you and often lets you down emotionally and has made it very clear he has no plans to commit
Guy #2: seems fine on paper, but you just arenāt feeling it, and thatās okay! Things donāt have to be going horribly wrong for them to not be going right
Neither of these guys sound like it for you. It sounds like you need space from Guy #1 so that you can cook your feelings towards him. You also should maybe just be friends with Guy #2 or just stop seeing him
Good call. The sickness aspect – honestly Iām not sure! I have a great social life and can go out and holiday without him no problem – but I would like to experience things with him at some point!! He put Ā£30 in my bank for my birthday (after I asked for a Ā£70 birdbath)and Now donāt bother with Christmas gifts as Iād get a Ā£5 but of tatt and Iād spend Ā£100ās on him. I am not materialistic in the slightest, but zero effort is made for any event or even date night. He pays his way in the house, but not a penny more.
Ugh, thatās tough. I honestly think heās going to struggle to understand the significance of this for you, even if you articulate it.
I know no one is supposed to admit this, but there are different levels of sexual assaultāwas this an unwanted touching, forcible penetration, or something in between?
Frankly, and somewhat ironically, he is likely succumbing to a larger social trend toward downplaying sexual assault against men.
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Yep, you are indeed behave like a teenager but itās not a recent phenomenon. You donāt mention at all that you are father, itās actually your kids as well but instead youāre jealous of all the attention that shifts from your person to them. Are you helping her with kids or just assuming that itās her solo responsibility? Do you actually being a parent and partner to her or just adding more pressure? Because after you have a kids itās never going to be just a 2 of you. Itās always four with rare exceptions of date nights. And this emotional affair is yet again your way to escape from reality where your wife is not solo yours. We are just a random strangers from Reddit and canāt get a real picture but from the look of it you need a therapy help to get into roots of this issue. Until then itās will be just another unhealthy coping mechanism like cocaine before.
She says you can't just decide to not be a part of the village. To that I say, she can't just decide your time is hers to use for childcare.
Look, it's tough raising kids without help. But it isn't anyone's job except the parents of the young child. It's doable. Pay for childcare. Work from home making a bit less to offset daycare costs.
You are 100% in the right here, and she is wrong for assuming this is going to be your job. I'm mid 40's with 2 teens, and I feel exactly like you do. They have kids, good luck! I'll be a part of their lives of course, but I've raising mine at that point.
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I respect this- my first time wasn't what it should have been, and I doubt it was the best it could have been for her. In retrospect, there was a lot wrong with that relationship, but paramount was that we never really talked about it. So I definitely think you're song the right thing, thinking about this and wanting to discuss it with her. That said, you may also be over thinking this, in that she's probably also worried about disappointing you! Ideally, you can sit down with her and discuss your concern with her. Something to the effect of “I want you to enjoy your time with me, and I will do everything I can to make you feel great, but I am not sure that I know enough to be just right the first time with you”. Maybe followed up with “I'd love to learn this with you, and I hope you feel OK teaching me how you like things done”, recognizing that every body is unique, and she will have her own routine that works. Maybe even ask to start with mutual masturbation so you can see what she likes and take it from there.
Being open and honest will go a long way in ensuring that you establish trust, and that you both have a good time (which gets better with practice!) together.
She has been jumping around too much with this subject I asked her 3 questions about it she got confused on question 2 so she doesnāt know what exactly then she said give her time to think about she didnāt think about it rinse and repeat nothing is getting to her she didnāt give me the respect to talk about just here we are doing it why? She doesnāt know she is learning
I understand why you feel hurt, and losing a friend always does hurt, but I think you need to accept that you're just both at an age where things and people change a lot and fast too.
It doesn't sound like your friend actively cut you out of her life, it just sounds like the two of you developed in opposite directions and are now busy with other things and other people.
If your friendship didn't actually end, or if it didn't end poorly, and rather just fizzled out as friendships sometimes do, I don't see any reason to not reach out to her, at least as long as you maintain low expectations.
However, you should think about why you want to do it. My guess is that it is because you miss the closeness of said friendship and not because you miss her as a person. You haven't been in touch for a whole year now, which is long time at your age, and the person you miss most likely doesn't exist in the same capacity you remember her. You may know what she was like growing up, but you have no idea what she is really like as a person anymore.
There's only one simple answer to this. It all depends on how important it is to you, that your partner is more fiery like you.
Here is an example of a list of values one might consider to look for in a potential partner:
Just a couple examples:
– Emotionally intelligent (emotional, empathy) – Knowledgable and experienced – Handsome/Cute – Loyal/Truthful – Matches your personality – Has long hair or a certain color of eyes – Is a sexual person with a high sex drive / libido – Confident and willing to step up for their partner – Isn't afraid to share their opinion
Now, in the end we all choose for ourselves what we find most important to have in a relationship. Is it really important that we have a hot girlfriend or boyfriend? or is it more important that they are loyal and speak the truth?
Is it important they match our personality?
All these questions are given value by one person. YOU. You decide how important it is to you. And to decide whether or not it is a dealbreaker if your partner lacks any of these values.
Don't try to add things to your partner that they don't have. If this truly bothers you and you feel yourself uncomfortable seeing a future with this man, then perhaps you cannot truly accept him for who he is. And that's okay. He may not be the right one for you.
If however you are comfortable with the way things are, then you should learn to let certain expectations go š
Changing takes more than a promise. And drinking is one of those problems that is hot to change even if someone wants to. Often fixing drinking that is that bad, often takes AA meetings, giving up drinking completely, medication for mental health issues he might be using alcohol to self medicate, and talk therapy. And for some even that isnāt enough to get them to stop. So unless heās very hot at least a year of sobriety under his belt, take his promise as just words. He needs to back those words up with a significant amount of effort and time before it would make sense to believe his promises.
Sheās attempting to co-opt him. She needs him to keep her secrets about cheating her employer AND having an affair with her manager which is against corporate policy.
It is about respect. Thatās all it about. If I get disrespected in anyway I break up with a girl even if I love her. Not saying this situation is something that is disrespectful but I was questioning if it is.
Why must she consider his lies. If you're so scared of bring trans dont waste people times and expect them to accept you. The delusion is strong with these kind of people
It depends on how many kids she wants and whether she wants to leave extra time in case of complications or miscarriage or who knows what delays it even further. These things become more and more likely the further past 30 a woman gets.
It's not perfect. Your bf will always be a son first. If you marry him, his role of son will always be more important than his role of husband. He is far from perfect, let him know that while you want to be in a relationship with him you can no longer cope with the influence his mum has on that relationship. Leave.
Hell you seem to be trying to place the majority of the blame on you buddy, but your ex gf knew what she was doing. She knew full well she was being trash by sleeping with your friend. They are both trash, and if you stay with her, you mind as well announce to all your friends and family that you are weak, beta doormat. Thatās what they will think anyway.
Unfortunately now you are in a terrible negotiating position. Find a good attorney and they will help you avoid any of the unforeseen consequences. unfortunately because of the timing you will likely have to pay for support but there is no way they can force you to take custody of the child if you don't want to.
After that you might want to consider relocating and blocking his number to stop the harassment.
Edit wasn't there when I commented, but yeah, the only reason I know about this is that other famous reddit story and a personal familiarity with CPS and state services.
Destroy
Sounds like you are boasting , like it's a challenge for a woman to have sex only relationships with randoms
Congratulations I guess ?
She has decided that she doesnāt want to be in a relationship with you, but is too cowardly to tell you.
So you phone or text her (do not do it in person) and tell her that her actions have shown you that she no longer wants a relationship with you, so you are ending the relationship.
Then you block her on everything. Let all your mutual friends know exactly why you have ended the relationship (do this as soon as possible afterwards, so there is little chance that she can twist the truth to make her look better)
Thank you ! You said you met your gf on tinder, how did you two initially get to know each other better? Iām kind of a shy/awkward person and itās been naked for me to open myself up completely to him
Thank you for your feedback.
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Sounds like he was raped. Also sounds like you are quite controlling and he is desperate for an escape.
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And weāre back to her original complaint that he never puts effort into gifts. If all you want is his money to spend, donāt complain that he doesnāt make occasions magical.
It has the potential to turn ugly. So far it's been simple high fives or hugs. I wouldn't try anything. I get what you mean though. Tread carefully. I would not go there.
This canāt be realā¦. ?
A broken happy household is better than a miserable household. She forgot your child because she was cheating. There is no excuse for forgetting your child āfor hoursā. Your kid knows when things are not right. He will get security from being loved and feeling safe and as long as YOU provide those things for him he will be fine!! You will both be better if without her drama and mistreatment!!
Be careful with mouthwash. It negatively effects the oral microbiome. Use a tongue scraper instead. Check out the Ask the Dentist website.
Sorry bro. I didn't want that either but staying in a relationship like that will not benefit your son. He deserves more.
ā¦he was dating a 16 year old at 24? Thatās disgusting.
“I didnāt sign up for him when we got togetherā
ā
Sure did. The dog was there before her, so she absolutely signed up for him.
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Thatās what I was thinking. She gonna give the baby up for adoption the first time it cries too loud
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You stayed overnight in the hospital?? Are you okay? What are you admitted for?
You feel like you definitely should text her?
Then donāt text her.
Iām in the US and keep a machete by my bed.
No, no other places. I used to online in another country and i don't know many people around here yet, i'm not really close to anyone else
Dating is a time to decide if you are compatible. This doesn't sound like you are.
Try a part time job while the child is at school and you can be home when he gets home.
Yep he's definitely abusing you. He's controlling as well. They usually wait until they think they have you locked down (IE living together) to start the abuse. This explains why he didn't seem to have a problem with you dressing the way you do before. You should definitely leave but don't tell him that you're doing that. He may react violently even if he's never hit you before.
Try to get birth control and hide it from him. He's purposely trying to get you pregnant because he thinks you'll be trapped in the relationship. You won't but having a child definitely makes leaving harder. This is why he gets mad when you won't have sex with him and threatens to cheat on you.
Also, you should know that him threatening to cheat in order to get you to have sex is a form of rape. It's called rape by coercion. Unless you enthusiastically consent, it's rape. You're also allowed to withdraw consent at any time. If you're in the states, call 1 800 799 SAFE
yeah throwaway cause your shady af? Hope she leaves fast and gets away from you.
OMG get away from him! He basically wants you as a back up. Do better, you deserve it.
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Doesnāt address the mental health affects of not having your own career, own sense of identity, and break from kids at home and time around adults professionally. And not putting an education to use.
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What do you mean by that?
Heās resentful and itās not a good sign to his character it will come out later in other ways
What I would say is his viewpoint may or may not be valid depending on what your inheritance is like, because when you're planning a life with someone, you want someone who is responsible about their financial future.
If you have one of those crazy inheritances where you'll be able to live comfortably, and cover emergency expenses like medical issues, damage to the home or your car, etc., then it's not really valid for him to say you should have a job just for the sake of it. It would be valid to say since you have 40-50 more hours a week of free time than he does, the housework should really be your primary responsibility. It would be valid for him to say that he doesn't feel like your values align if you don't feel the internal motivation to do something productive- art, volunteer work, working on a fruit and vegetable garden, etc.- with your life even though you can afford not to work. But for him to be crying “it's not fair you don't have a job” is childish.
HOWEVER…if you're living of an inheritance because it will allow you to not work for a couple of years, and then plan to work once it runs out, I would consider that a huge red flag and run. Responsible adults understand that their working years are meant to put them into a safe and secure position in retirement, or in case of a medical emergency. If someone planned on spending their money down to nothing before starting to work, then I know they don't have that level of common sense, and I wouldn't want to tie my future to them.
Honestly you are being too analytical. Letās try and simplify and focus on how these guys make you feel.
Guy #1: obviously you have great chemistry and you are very attached to him; however he talks down to you and often lets you down emotionally and has made it very clear he has no plans to commit
Guy #2: seems fine on paper, but you just arenāt feeling it, and thatās okay! Things donāt have to be going horribly wrong for them to not be going right
Neither of these guys sound like it for you. It sounds like you need space from Guy #1 so that you can cook your feelings towards him. You also should maybe just be friends with Guy #2 or just stop seeing him
Good call. The sickness aspect – honestly Iām not sure! I have a great social life and can go out and holiday without him no problem – but I would like to experience things with him at some point!! He put Ā£30 in my bank for my birthday (after I asked for a Ā£70 birdbath)and Now donāt bother with Christmas gifts as Iād get a Ā£5 but of tatt and Iād spend Ā£100ās on him. I am not materialistic in the slightest, but zero effort is made for any event or even date night. He pays his way in the house, but not a penny more.
Which he hasn't done.
She doesn't have a marriage.
Ugh, thatās tough. I honestly think heās going to struggle to understand the significance of this for you, even if you articulate it.
I know no one is supposed to admit this, but there are different levels of sexual assaultāwas this an unwanted touching, forcible penetration, or something in between?
Frankly, and somewhat ironically, he is likely succumbing to a larger social trend toward downplaying sexual assault against men.
In order for there to be a conversation, there needs to be at least two people. You are in control of whether or not you have conversations with them.
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Iām better off dropping them has friends Iām just shocked at the frequency that this is happening to me :/
Is this really what you want for yourself?
Yep, you are indeed behave like a teenager but itās not a recent phenomenon. You donāt mention at all that you are father, itās actually your kids as well but instead youāre jealous of all the attention that shifts from your person to them. Are you helping her with kids or just assuming that itās her solo responsibility? Do you actually being a parent and partner to her or just adding more pressure? Because after you have a kids itās never going to be just a 2 of you. Itās always four with rare exceptions of date nights. And this emotional affair is yet again your way to escape from reality where your wife is not solo yours. We are just a random strangers from Reddit and canāt get a real picture but from the look of it you need a therapy help to get into roots of this issue. Until then itās will be just another unhealthy coping mechanism like cocaine before.
She says you can't just decide to not be a part of the village. To that I say, she can't just decide your time is hers to use for childcare.
Look, it's tough raising kids without help. But it isn't anyone's job except the parents of the young child. It's doable. Pay for childcare. Work from home making a bit less to offset daycare costs.
You are 100% in the right here, and she is wrong for assuming this is going to be your job. I'm mid 40's with 2 teens, and I feel exactly like you do. They have kids, good luck! I'll be a part of their lives of course, but I've raising mine at that point.
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Reason #1: Other vaxed are complaining of the same.
Don't get back with your ex who clearly enjoys mind games.
If she wants to speak to you plainly, she can do it fully sober: she has your number.
I respect this- my first time wasn't what it should have been, and I doubt it was the best it could have been for her. In retrospect, there was a lot wrong with that relationship, but paramount was that we never really talked about it. So I definitely think you're song the right thing, thinking about this and wanting to discuss it with her. That said, you may also be over thinking this, in that she's probably also worried about disappointing you! Ideally, you can sit down with her and discuss your concern with her. Something to the effect of “I want you to enjoy your time with me, and I will do everything I can to make you feel great, but I am not sure that I know enough to be just right the first time with you”. Maybe followed up with “I'd love to learn this with you, and I hope you feel OK teaching me how you like things done”, recognizing that every body is unique, and she will have her own routine that works. Maybe even ask to start with mutual masturbation so you can see what she likes and take it from there.
Being open and honest will go a long way in ensuring that you establish trust, and that you both have a good time (which gets better with practice!) together.
Because he's letting a 5 year old run the show?
Oof thatās just an odd situation. I can see why she didnāt address it head on because youāre not there yet.
The reality is, you might also be a little upset at the direct knowledge that sheās simultaneously entertaining other sexual connections.
Personally, Iād take it in stride and cross that bridge if and when you begin talking about more serious relationship things.
Wait, u/Smart_Space_1045, why are you replying to this as though you're OP?
ā
According to your user profile, you're 53, so obviously you're not… unless this is a slip-up and you're accidentally posting from the wrong account.
She has been jumping around too much with this subject I asked her 3 questions about it she got confused on question 2 so she doesnāt know what exactly then she said give her time to think about she didnāt think about it rinse and repeat nothing is getting to her she didnāt give me the respect to talk about just here we are doing it why? She doesnāt know she is learning
Very hot! When I'm on my period I wear underwear..
I understand why you feel hurt, and losing a friend always does hurt, but I think you need to accept that you're just both at an age where things and people change a lot and fast too.
It doesn't sound like your friend actively cut you out of her life, it just sounds like the two of you developed in opposite directions and are now busy with other things and other people.
If your friendship didn't actually end, or if it didn't end poorly, and rather just fizzled out as friendships sometimes do, I don't see any reason to not reach out to her, at least as long as you maintain low expectations.
However, you should think about why you want to do it. My guess is that it is because you miss the closeness of said friendship and not because you miss her as a person. You haven't been in touch for a whole year now, which is long time at your age, and the person you miss most likely doesn't exist in the same capacity you remember her. You may know what she was like growing up, but you have no idea what she is really like as a person anymore.
He has left me in the past 11 years about 10 times but always ends up back here
And you keep taking him back???
There's only one simple answer to this. It all depends on how important it is to you, that your partner is more fiery like you.
Here is an example of a list of values one might consider to look for in a potential partner:
Just a couple examples:
– Emotionally intelligent (emotional, empathy) – Knowledgable and experienced – Handsome/Cute – Loyal/Truthful – Matches your personality – Has long hair or a certain color of eyes – Is a sexual person with a high sex drive / libido – Confident and willing to step up for their partner – Isn't afraid to share their opinion
Now, in the end we all choose for ourselves what we find most important to have in a relationship. Is it really important that we have a hot girlfriend or boyfriend? or is it more important that they are loyal and speak the truth?
Is it important they match our personality?
All these questions are given value by one person. YOU. You decide how important it is to you. And to decide whether or not it is a dealbreaker if your partner lacks any of these values.
Don't try to add things to your partner that they don't have. If this truly bothers you and you feel yourself uncomfortable seeing a future with this man, then perhaps you cannot truly accept him for who he is. And that's okay. He may not be the right one for you.
If however you are comfortable with the way things are, then you should learn to let certain expectations go š
Changing takes more than a promise. And drinking is one of those problems that is hot to change even if someone wants to. Often fixing drinking that is that bad, often takes AA meetings, giving up drinking completely, medication for mental health issues he might be using alcohol to self medicate, and talk therapy. And for some even that isnāt enough to get them to stop. So unless heās very hot at least a year of sobriety under his belt, take his promise as just words. He needs to back those words up with a significant amount of effort and time before it would make sense to believe his promises.
This will absolutely come and get you. Running and hiding from it will only get you so far
Can you explain how
Sheās attempting to co-opt him. She needs him to keep her secrets about cheating her employer AND having an affair with her manager which is against corporate policy.
Info: Have you ever met in person?
You didnāt want a child but chose not to use any form of contraception on your part? Play stupid games win stupid prizes. Welcome to the dad club!
It is about respect. Thatās all it about. If I get disrespected in anyway I break up with a girl even if I love her. Not saying this situation is something that is disrespectful but I was questioning if it is.
A little consideration from a long day would be nice ain't it
Why must she consider his lies. If you're so scared of bring trans dont waste people times and expect them to accept you. The delusion is strong with these kind of people
It depends on how many kids she wants and whether she wants to leave extra time in case of complications or miscarriage or who knows what delays it even further. These things become more and more likely the further past 30 a woman gets.
Also, congratulations on your baby.
Leave him alone so he can find a good women that will come into his life.
Who says itās to spite the ex? Maybe it is maybe it isnāt. Could be for a career change. Or you hated that job.
You are a piece of work – AH
Except theyāre a team, thereās no him in team
This bell can never be unrung. There is no coming back from this
It's not perfect. Your bf will always be a son first. If you marry him, his role of son will always be more important than his role of husband. He is far from perfect, let him know that while you want to be in a relationship with him you can no longer cope with the influence his mum has on that relationship. Leave.
Hell you seem to be trying to place the majority of the blame on you buddy, but your ex gf knew what she was doing. She knew full well she was being trash by sleeping with your friend. They are both trash, and if you stay with her, you mind as well announce to all your friends and family that you are weak, beta doormat. Thatās what they will think anyway.
Ikr, this āapart / a partā confusion drives me crazy when folk have zero clue wtf theyāre writing. Or saying.
Unfortunately now you are in a terrible negotiating position. Find a good attorney and they will help you avoid any of the unforeseen consequences. unfortunately because of the timing you will likely have to pay for support but there is no way they can force you to take custody of the child if you don't want to.
After that you might want to consider relocating and blocking his number to stop the harassment.
Sounds like you just ruined what was suppose to be a nice evening for being too āpridefulā.
Edit wasn't there when I commented, but yeah, the only reason I know about this is that other famous reddit story and a personal familiarity with CPS and state services.
Sheās said exactly the opposite – she said sheās a high earner and fine with child support