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She also didn't need to bring up at all unless the there's actually talk about her getting a ride from his father again.
I'm guessing she brought it up immediately to impress upon OP that she's serious and as a precaution to deter any other talk of his father giving her a ride. Sort of like, “Don't even consider this a possibility again.” That's a fair thing to request.
by leaving him hanging, she has 1) tied his hands when it comes to dealing with his father and
OP says in another comment he thinks she's a “flight” type of person and he admits to being a “fight” type of person. She may feel that this is her only way to prevent him from doing the “fight” because she doesn't want that to happen.
2) leaves him imagining the worst by saying “I'll tell you when he's dead.” You don't just drop that bomb and clam up.
Fair to your second point, but sometimes people just aren't ready to talk. Ok? Trying to make demands of them when they're not ready to talk is asking them to possibly retraumatize themselves of the situation.
People should show more patience with folks like OP's girlfriend. No, we don't know what happened, but OP trying to force her to talk beyond her being comfortable with it is not a good sign for his character.
In relationships, you don't always get to know why your partner is upset and sometimes they just have to work things out on their own until they're ready to divulge more, if it even gets to that point.
In the meantime, OP did what he could. He called his father to get his side, and is now just kind of left here. Sometimes in life we're left in uncertain spaces and that just needs to be accepted.
He may want more uninterrupted time now that the newness of the relationship has worn off, and that's ok. I really do understand having difficulty giving him that. Legit, I am only this comfortable saying this stuff to you because I have similar attachment issues that have required a lot of work. I am still in touch with my partner when we're apart probably more often than the majority of people in this sub.
I think for situations like this, it can just feel kinda smothering if you're not also playing the game. It might be better to see if you can arrange for a phone call at a specific time. That way, he can focus on his game and talk to you
You being able to make it through deployments is very different than your spouse transitioning. You can be a strong couple and make it through long periods of time together, but being a strong couple cannot make you change your sexuality. You are straight and that is the long and short of it. Also, it is still possible to divorce, amicably, and be supportive friends, especially when you realize it isn't that anyone did anything wrong (because neither of you did) and you've just grown into different people. It would allow both of you to find partners you attracted to. I'm sure your wife has also noticed the lack of attraction on your side. If you proceed with a divorce, you can still encourage her to get therapy. Divorce will allow both of your to pursue a healthy relationship instead of staying in a platonic marriage where neither of your are fully filling the role of spouses.
He got upset because he deeply wishes he was still with her and you hurt his feelings by making him recognize it out loud.
I'm sorry OP, but you cannot marry him now. I'm not advising you to break up. But it would be wiser to postpone the wedding and to start a therapy instead. His ex is way too involved in your relationship and it's not healthy on the long-run.
You can try to fix your relationship. Your fiancé is probably suffering a lot and doesn't realize he has an inappropriate behavior
Yes. I spent almost ten years of my life ping ponging back and forth with a terrible person, and had no context to know that it was a poor choice. However, I had to be the one to take stock of why things continually spiraled out, reflect on why was I continually miserable and what changes could I make to feel better, accept that I had no control over the other person because and a lot more control over my choices and my participation, and finally broke the cycle by admitting that nothing good came of our interaction – I never blamed him, as it was apparent he triggered something in me that replicated the dynamic I had with an abusive parent. At the end of the day, it was on ME for continually putting myself in the line of fire, over and over, as if history wasn't a glaring red flag. I take full responsibility for my choices and actively work to not repeat them.
However. A toxic relationship does not excuse someone for being helpless when it comes to managing their own emotions and mental health – that mindset indicates a fundamental lack of maturity for a serious romantic relationship and a need to actively self-reflect and pump the brakes considerably while getting to know someone.
If someone is in the early stages of dating or in a situationship, and they “cheat” or actually cheat, or whatever, and the other person decide to stick around even though it is profoundly stress inducing (which we are all just presuming based on OP's history) that's on them for putting themselves into a situation that is not even fully formed and already disastrous. And if they can't make good choices in the early stages of dating someone in terms of discerning healthy partners or knowing their tolerance for certain things / boundaries, that's on them to get help for without everyone making excuses and unilaterally villainizing the other person.
So you met him at age 20 and he’s got pics of you at age 15?
I’m hoping he grabbed them from social media (which is creepy as hell) or else you’ve got a serious stalker
I certainly wouldn’t want to be involved with someone who’s obsessed, you might want to think hot about this relationship