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I would sit your wife down and have a conversation with her about how you feel.
While it's great she has a friend and can be a full time parent, what is happening in actuality is that her friend seems to be taking on your parenting role. You are unwilling to support her being a fulltime parent if the end result is that you do not get to be a parent.
I would then point out how many hours a week you spend with your kids and how many does her best friend? If her answer is usually more? At this point, due to gender, he is actively her partner in raising the kids and that isn't fair to your or your children.
I would then ask for couples counseling and for her friend to take a break from daily visits until you work through your problems. I'd say it like this, “The deal we agreed to when we started our family no longer works for me and as a team we need to rethink it. I think we need a neutral party to talk to these things about and want us to start couples counseling. I personally would like BBF to be less present while we do this. I can use my vacation time to take extra time with you and extra time to do special things with the kids on my own.”
Then do it. If she can't handle her life without her bff as parenting partner? You are in the right to not only be uncomfortable but to challenge the role she wants him to have in your family.
I don't think he's their father. I think she's lonely as a SAH parent and probably does need to go back to work for adult company. Not everyone is built to be a SAHM/D. She just isn't recognizing the inappropriate role she's casting her friend in by wrangling him in for company. In my opinion, I think you're under-reacting.
That's so weird to me. I can't relate to that urge to control a separate human being to that extent.
Interestingly, I've been called selfish for being child-free because raising a child is inherently selfless apparently.
I can't imagine having a living breathing sentient human being be in my care, be totally dependent on me – and then me having expectations for totally inconsequential shit like if they like boys or girls or what their gender expression is going to be or whether or not they like sports.
Surely just trying to keep them happy and healthy is enough pressure? Now I'm supposed to attach meaning to something totally arbitrary like whether or not they're a nerd at school for four years, or if the person they like is a certain gender? Like… why?
My parter and i met When i was 22 and he was 34 but knew each other a while before dating, we were in similar places in life, I was a wearhouse manager and he a service technician who was thinking about going back to school. We made sure to talk through all the things that an age difference can possibly effect, like when/if you want children, careers, living situations and things like that to make sure that we were on pace with each other, and this man makes happier than I thought I could be. So she differences can cause problems but what it comes down to is where your at in life.