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Christina und Matthias, 24 y.o.
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Extremely manipulative. I'd cancel that trip.
In my custody agreement with the father, and he did not want custody. It was in the agreement that I was not allowed to move out of the area we were in. I couldn't go out of state without permission for a vacation even. This was 25 years ago. You should speak to an attorney about your concerns, they may be able to set some of your fears to rest.
It has become better for fathers in recent years in custody agreements. It is no longer a given that the mother will be the custodial parent.
I’m not trying to control their lives at all. I’m just concerned based off of what I know, it’s not coming from nowhere
How does your boyfriend treat and talk about his own mother? There may be some clues if you observe his relationships with the women in his own family.
Also, how does he talk about his exes, his female friends and colleagues, etc?
Finally, I'm curious about his cultural background and his faith. If he comes from a culture that has very rigid ideas about gender roles, and if these ideas are reinforced by traditional, patriarchal religion, he may be following these ideas even if he doesn't like them and/or isn't religious himself.
Even super non-traditional men AND women may fall into these roles and be influenced by these values, because it's the water we are swimming in. Particularly when things change radically (like when a baby is born), or when roles are having to be renegotiated. He and you are having to figure out who you are to yourselves and each other now that there's a baby. It's easy to lean on structures your family had, even if you don't mean or want to.
It doesn't bother me that he wasn't in the labor room with you if this is what both of you truly, really wanted. But I will say that the gender split between who did “baby things” and who was isolated from the world of having and welcoming your baby was pretty stark. This makes me think that he's struggling to find his footing and is falling back on safe, clear lines between women's work and man things.
Instead of trying to figure out how to increase his perception of you as a sexual person instead of “just” a mom, maybe try to increase his perception of himself as a dad. He probably has no problem understanding that he is still a sexual being. What he may not realize yet is that he is now also a parent.
Give him every opportunity to be both mom and dad to this baby. Make the split between “dad” and “stud” in his own identity blurry and hot to separate. Don't give him the chance to draw naked lines in his own perception of what he is and what he is for. The more you can let go of “mom” and “dad” and lean into “parents,” the better. You're both parents. You're both sex fiends. That's it.
If he's unwilling to do this, if he says or implies that “men don't do this” or “that's not for me,” then your problems extend far beyond the bedroom. But the fact that he is on board with counseling is hopeful.
Don't threaten him or give him an ultimatum about the wedding. Don't frame it as a punishment or a “fix” that needs to happen. Tell him that you have very clear ideas about the relationship you want to model for your kid, and that both of you owe it to this kid to be the healthiest, happiest partners you can be. You are a team, and you are showing this kid what a team can do.
Most of all, please put this wedding on hold right now. Right now. This is not about the wedding or marriage. It's way more meaningful for you and for him than a wedding. And the added pressure of this deadline looming is going to be counterproductive for the both of you. If you take that away and give each other some grace, really good things might happen. Which is what you both want.
Stay clear eyed, here. This isn't about you or him or you and him. This is about the responsibility the two of you have to the baby you made together. Good luck, and keep us posted.
Ya that’s what a lot of people are saying. Thank you for the advice. I have been thinking about this for probably a month and I think I need to move forward with the break up
You're a healthy human so you cant, he unfortunately is damaged in some way no one good or 100% right in the head does this, dont think to much about why just focus on how he did this so easily and deceived you and im sure many others for potentially their entire relationship yall both deserve more than him. Free her.
You keep getting more douchey