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Irina & Vladimir, 37 y.o.
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She can either stick around and be loyal and enjoy that experience and build a future. Or she can be “free spirited” and love all she chooses. She is doing to you what an ex gf did to me. She wanted us to be on pause while she explored. I didn't appreciate that and also felt like I just have to be the bigger person and wait faithfully. It's not at all fair and she will absolitely make it seem like what she wants is totally normal. You will become the problem when it's actually her.
Honestly if she doesn't want to be loyal and a team now then why would she later? She just wants a backup in case her life choices blow up in her face, and they will.
In 10 years he will feel too old / tired for kids. He won’t want a teenager in his early 60s.
If his first response was “are you leaving me?” … plus the lack of intimacy… honestly it sounds like he’s been trying to get you to leave him.
Did you ask him that? Why he excluded you? Did you say his ex is part of the group?
I agree I think you need to Lawyer up and check to see if she's already seeing someone. I'd hazard a guess that she's probably seeing someone and wants the security of you and the family while getting her rocks off with the new BF. FWIW I know a lot of women end up feeling stuck with the identity of 'Mom' and feel like an extension of their kids/family, especially when the kids are young and dependent. Fooling around with someone else makes them feel like and individual again and their own person.
As for the heartbreak – remember this is temporary pain. Muscle through this, talk to someone – friends/family/therapist/support group and talk through it all. I'd also ask her straight up if she's seeing someone. You should know for the sake of your own health. Depending on where you are it might not help in the divorce, but I'd want to know the whole truth, even if it's painful.
When I'm in this position I just go “Hey how do you spell your name?” And when they tell you just say “oh yeah that's why I thought.”
No effort is the appropriate term here.
This is helpful, thank you. Sadly I was more asking about the reasonable aspects you brought up and I’m thinking a serious conversation about our relationship is necessary 🙁