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I‘m definitely not ready to date yet. I got into a rebound relationship 2 months after the breakup, which I didn‘t realize at the time and totally shattered my rebound‘s heart in the process. I definitely should not be dating.
their responses have mostly been “damn, that’s a tough one.”
Unfortunately, this was my exact reaction to your post.
If you want to try to thread the needle, you could tell her that you're inviting a smaller group for the entire week and partners/plus ones just for the wedding. This obviously depends on how far away the destination is and how large the wedding is, but you could potentially get away with a white lie like that and then you'd only have to stomach him for the actual wedding night.
If that's not viable because the wedding is too far away or it would be obvious you're lying, I think you may have to deliver the truth in as potable a package as you can and try to blame it on the disconnect between you and him rather than how he treats her, which will make her defensive.
“[Best friend], you know how much I love you and want you beside me for my wedding. I think you're also aware that [boyfriend] and I have a strained relationship and I'm genuinely concerned that him being there for the wedding week will cause tension and drama that I just want to put on hold for one celebration. I really want you by my side and I'm happy to do whatever is possible to make you comfortable, but I just can't invite [boyfriend].”
You could also cut down the wedding significantly and only allow people you and your fiance are both close to, though that's a big adjustment to make for this shitbag. Ultimately you can't predict what she's going to do, so do what's right for your wedding and if that means not issuing him an invite, that's completely reasonable.
Off the bat, the first problem is the assumption that relationships are supposed to be “up and down.” They’re not.
Might I (or anyone else) be thinking what you’re suggesting? No. Not ever. That’s not why people should move in together. We can all logically understand why you wouldn’t want to move in with him in this situation, but that’s an issue on its own.
Why does his brother hate you? Regardless, I agree you shouldn’t put yourself in that position, but you shouldn’t ever need to. Have you discussed this with your boyfriend?
Regardless, the answer is you should take the offer. That would always be the correct decision, but if you’d at least given positive reasons, we could try to have a discussion about them. Here, you just say he’s clingy. Run.
Going back sets you up for a lifetime of misery. Take the job and end the relationship. Good luck.
Stop being nice. Inform your ra and security about him just in case, let your friends know about him, and then very firmly, very loudly tell him in a public place with friends around for backup “Look dude! Get lost! Stop seeking me out, stop following me, and stop trying to interact with me! I am not interested in you in any capacity, friendship or otherwise, and your constant interruptions while Im busy trying to study are unwelcome!”