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You have to set boundaries. It sounds like she doesnāt know how to be alone and may have some codependency issues. You can be firm and still kind. Do the sandwich method – nice thing, boundary, nice thing. āI love you mom, you know I do, but I need to have time away from you too. I know life hasnāt been easy, and I love youā āyouāre great, and Iām happy we have such a great relationship, but Iām sorry, I want to have a date with my husband without a chaperone. Please understand, I love youā āmom, you know I love talking to you, but I really get tired after more than an hour a day, and thatās just my social limit, nothing to do with youā
Things to remember are
1- be firm and clear: donāt give vague descriptors like āI need more time aloneā but give clear boundaries like āI will only have dinner with you once a weekā
2- stick to your boundaries, and tell her the repercussions if she crosses them. āI will have dinner with you once a week, and if you choose to come to my house for dinner more than that, you will be turned away and we wonāt have dinner at all this weekā
It can feel like youāre putting your mother on a time out somewhat, but these boundaries will be necessary if you wish to confuse to have a healthy relationship with her. This will also allow you to transition your relationship away from what it is now (you seem to be a pseudo husband for her rn) and towards a new relationship, hopefully one of friendship. Sheās likely still grieving and is using you as a crutch and possibly trying to avoid grieving altogether. With these boundaries in place do not be surprised if her mental health goes on a decline and she becomes incredibly sad and likely angry with you, blaming you. Understand sheās grieving, and tell her you are there to listen if she needs to let out her pain (during slotted time together, unless itās an emergency). Also understand that there is light at the end of this tunnel. Boundaries are always difficult to put in place, but once they are there, and are respected, life becomes a lot better. For everyone involved. Once you give her strong boundaries, she will be forced to socialize with more people than just you and your husband. She will have a more active social life. Just remember, itās for your sanity and hers. And even if itās just for you, youāre allowed to be selfish when someone has been benefitting from tromping all over your boundaries.
Best of luck, and I hope it gets better soon.
I have a child and I wouldnāt change a thing nor have I ever regretted that choice. But the pressure of the pregnancy and baby did end my relationship which was still in the early stages, we didnāt have a stable enough relationship to endure that.
If I had been with a partner for a year and saw a future, I wouldnāt want to add a baby into it that early and I understand his reservations. You havenāt had time as a couple to grow and also work on your finances as a couple.
If heās had a baby before and had to make those sacrifices, he probably has some very valid concerns.
I've seen a similar age gap work out in that it resulted in a beautiful relationship and family, but it's really not ideal being at such different life stages and one partner getting old and dying while the other is still in the prime of life and when the kids are only in their mid twenties – as happened with the family I know. With dating apps you have the ability to filter out such incompatibilities before falling in love so why not make use of that?
Best Wishes.
My mum was the same at first! But sheās warmed up to it. She said she had to accept she was a Granny but hated how old it made her feel!
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They are planning to celebrate Christmas with her family so perhaps I should wait until after?
Even that I would find very embarrassing but maybe Iām too sensitive. Certainly itās better though!
Thank you, Iām always baffled when people always resort to name-calling and personal insults instead of thinking about how to actively solve an issue.
The former shows the criticizerās emotional response to the situation, whereas the latter is a much more productive, mature, well-thought out contribution as to adjust a situation/someoneās behavior.
Judge the behavior, not the person. Calling someone manipulative when theyāre hurt is a personal insult, how about thinking about how she can rephrase her story so as to not be over-embezzeling it? And how was she embezelling it, vs what you judge may have happened?
Also, correcting someone in front of an audience is pretty embarrassing for them. Could always have a talk with them after. It seems like after you corrected her, she was still emotional, and you brought it up again. Seems like you pushed really far when she was already hurt, and now she felt really wounded.
I usually pick my battles. If my SO was over-exaggerating a story and it is āt hurting anyone, and she has no ill-intentions, I donāt know, I probably would allow her that fun!
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given the history and how much he's given you already i would just pay the 1 grand and put a stopper on any more.
tbh thatās what Iāve been thinking, just annoyed that he basically lied/is lying about it even though Iām asking him to be truthful and just say it straight up.
Can you think of any potential problems if we do this within the first year?
Iām also in the wifeās situation, mentally stable though with the occasional sadness from being disabled. My situation got worse after giving birth though since I was wrongly diagnosed and we now have a daughter with a 50/50 chance to get it. We did however already knew that a lot of the caretaking would land on my husbands plate. We made this conscience decision.
Taking care of my daughter has been harder than anything else in my life in terms of psychical impact. Together with an ergo therapist weāve put my energy levels into numbers. My daily energy: 16, working 8 hours: 34, taking care of my daughter: 42. And this was when she was already sleeping through the night. Add no sleep into the mix and you will be burned out in no time.
My husband is caring, understanding and willing to do everything for our family. And even he has times that heās clearly giving me every signal of caregivers fatigue.
I donāt really have any advice, itās just a sad situation overall and in all honesty hope my husband doesnāt post similar things somewhere.
Then you make some OLD profiles, put on your furry suite, and make the magic happen buddy! You can do it. I believe in you!
I'd suggest that someone need not be easily swayed for it to eventually happen.
Many people ruin their relationships because their single friends all gossip about the best bits of their single lives and ever so slowly create the temptation of “what if”.
The sad and lonely bits of being single are rarely ever discussed, so if all you're getting is positivity from those that are single (never mind that they are different people with different goals in life) is swaying over time even for some of the more head strong people.
May i ask what emotional part hes giving that was indicated in the post? Thanks!
And what is his reaction to you telling him? Indifference, empty promises to change?? You can only do so much. He has to be able to control his drinking or stop drinking all together if it's making his behavior like is. But he can only do that if he wants to and see that there's a problem. if he doesn't then it's almost out of your hands and you have to do what's best for you and your child.
No,not bc of u. Its bc of him & his choices. Horrible to want to leave ur kids like that. U arent responsible for his mental health. U dont have to stick around & tell him anything. Uve already said all theres needed to say.
How can one be that enraged and demanding towards a totally overworked man, coming home at 2 am in the morning?
He clearly wasn't tired enough to go sleep immediately, instead went gaming the rest of the night.