My [36m] wife [30f] cheated on me with our son’s nanny [24f] and acts like I’m crazy for being upset
7KMy wife and I have been married for four years now. We have a 2 year old son who has a nanny that has overall been great (until recently obviously). My wife works from 2-3 days a week, and I work from home most of the time but go into the office on Wednesday.
Our nanny is a lesbian, and married. I have had what I thought was a good working relationship with her. We exchange pleasantries in the morning and talk every so often throughout the day. I have treated her really well, and actually my wife has been constantly wanting to let her go to find more affordable childcare (since before they had an affair). It makes the betrayal sting a lot more because I don’t think the nanny ever realized that I’m the reason she’s had a job – not my wife.
Well, basically a few weeks ago I noticed for the first time my wife is really protective over her phone. We were driving somewhere and needed to update the nanny on when we’d be back. I went for my wife’s phone which usually isn’t a huge deal but this time she, as the driver, snatched the phone out of my hands and got very defensive, telling me to use my own phone. It felt extremely odd. I decided to look at the cameras in our house that evening and noticed that the days I’m not home (but my wife is) they both leave the living room for over an hour when my son naps. There’s no other cameras except very obvious ones in the living room. At this point I decided to get onto my wife’s MacBook and easily enough without any investigating I saw the texts. They were flirting, exchanging photos (including nudes), sexting, and my wife even said some things that indicate physical cheating had already happened.
I confronted my wife and she took the approach of calling me a bigot and asking me “why I hired a lesbian if I’m not an ally.” She has taken no responsibility for damaging our relationship.
Also from the texts it’s really clear that our nanny’s wife doesn’t know either, and the nanny made comments about wishing they (her and my wife) met before either of them met their current spouses.
Basically my wife doesn’t consider this cheating, and the nanny doesn’t know I know either. My wife also told me it’d be petty and mean to tell our nanny’s wife which I plan to do.
I think my marriage is over and I hate everything now. I really need advice on what to do. Is there any reason not to tell my nanny’s wife? Is it really not cheating in this scenario? Am I being a bigot for being upset?? I would support my wife if she were bi but I thought that would mean having a discussion…
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