My (37F) husband (38M) wants to be poly, but only after he already cheated
5KMy husband, G, (38M) and I, M, (37F) have been together 18 years, married for 8. Throughout our relationship, G has developed crushes on other people, as have I, but never seriously. Recently though, he’s been toying with the idea that he’s poly. I am not. But I realize that we’ve been together since we were kids and we’ve both grown and changed. I want him to be happy, so it’s something I’m willing to let him explore, within reason. I don’t love it, but I love him enough to try.
The problem isn’t that he might be poly. It’s the reason the idea came up. He has a co-worker, R (30’sF), who he’s become close with. Over time, he’d begun to spend more time with her and I could sense that he liked her. I’m not usually a jealous person, so I waited until he came to me a few months ago to discuss it. That’s when the idea of poly first appeared.
Turns out the feelings are mutual, but G swore nothing had happened. R is single, but has been in open or poly (I’m not sure which) relationships before. I asked them to let me know anything before it happened, so we could talk about it. He agreed. He promised he loved me and our relationship wouldn’t change.
G and R started hanging out more and more, even when I told him I wanted to spend time with him and I wanted them to take it slower. I felt like I barely saw him anymore they were spending so much time together. But G still swore nothing was happening and they were just friends for now. They kept going back and forth between being friends and discussing the option of dating. I never quite knew where they were at on the spectrum at any time. It was driving me crazy. I wanted to sit down, all 3 of us, but R kept making excuses. I felt like I was the only one trying to establish any kind of communication and boundaries. It was making me more and more anxious, until I finally confronted him about it last week.
It turns out that something had happened. They had kissed, before he’d even spoken to me at the beginning. They had also been increasingly physically affectionate, holding hands, hugging, kisses on the cheek, etc. G is pretty tactile in general, but he knew how uncomfortable this would make me, so he deliberately kept it from me. They were basically dating the whole time, just without actually going to bed together.
I feel so betrayed and angry and heartbroken. I thought I knew him. I trusted him. I was putting myself through all of this to make him happy, but he ignored my feelings and did whatever he wanted anyway. He says he has so few friends since we moved across the country that R has become too important to give up, so I can’t ask him to stop spending time with her. But what about my feelings? Why am I the only one making sacrifices? How could he lie to me like that? Why doesn’t he care about my feelings at all? What should I do now? Can we come back from this? Any advice is more than welcome. I’m feeling so lost right now.
We're currently sleeping in separate rooms and I'm seriously considering divorce.
TL;DR My husband wants to try being poly, but lied to me that nothing had happened between him and his female friend before talking to me.
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