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Do I just ask if she does? Not sure where she would find the time as we literally spend the night together…
Fuck that.
So what would you have her do? Throw her sick sister out? You’re keeping the stigma regarding mental illness very much alive and well with that attitude. For your sake I hope it never comes to your door, and it could, you know, it can affect anyone.
Was there any date on this note. Could be something from his past that he forgot it was there.
you could also talk with him asking if he ever had a strong crush on someone before and how he dealt with it. Just chatting back and forth he then could mention her name..i just had an idea pretend he said her name while he was sleeping and ask him who is this person.
You mean you didn't notice any red flags when he never once admitted fault, or said sorry (and actually meant it), or said sorry a thousand times and didn't mean it even once?
You said you two werent together at that time? You said you two communicated more after but you still ignored her?
And it seemed like you didnt care whether or not it was your child being miscarried at the time because you ignored her when she was in pain/calling out for comfort.
Its been 6 years, you admitted you grew as a person and so did she (assuming she isnt on drugs now or sleeping with multiple guys?)
I dont think it was right she casually admitted something like that (though she could be resentful of what she went thru herself and those emotions came up, which isnt fair to you tho).
She also did sound dismissive in your emotions about the miscarriage with her sayint “it wasnt even your child”, which could 1)be an attempt to move on from a (traumatic) topic, 2) shutting down your emotions on it (qs she may have she felt you didnt care back then anyway) and/or 3) has q disconnect of how upsetting that info could be to you/impuslively said it before being able to 'realize what she said'
I do think that you two need to figure out (like the previous commentor was getting at) where exactly the relationship started/became exclusive. Its clear that there was poor communication and reasoniny on both ends and not figuring this out/ironing out any emotions from the past could lead to more heartache down the line. More things might come up (from you or her) that could b4 upsetting to the other but seemed “fine” to the other because relationship boundaries/status/expectations werent clearly set.
I think the miscarriage topic also never came up until now is because, well, the topic never came up til now.
You two werent together at thr time and it sounded like you were dis-interested or seemingly uncaring with the situation so she probably didnt want to bring it up (not to mention if she figured out it wasnt yours later she wouldn't want to bring it up because its now in the past, you seemed to have not cared about it/distanced yourself because of it and she would be worried you'd be upset/leave her).
You say she is a great partner NOW compared to back then and I think she could say the same about YOU because you, from your description, werent the best way back either.
If you want to work this out I recommend maybe getting a couples counselor. If she has BPD I hope she is seeing a therapist to help (if you mean Bipolar Disorder and not Borderline Personality Disorder then I hope she stays on her meds and is seeing a goof psych!)
This isn't to say if this is a dealbreaker for you then you have to stay, but now versus then, you two are a lot different (from your account)
One of my primary concerns in the present for this is, again, how she said this information so casually when normally talking about miscarriages can be very hot (and presumably if you were showing your guilt/emotions about jt, her comment was very invalidating). That is concerning imo.
If she wad blackmailing you emotionally with the miscarriage thing/the guilt you held this entire time then I would be more on the side of noping out because thats not healthy and is emotionally abusive imo)
There is a lot of ways this could go. Take it one step at a time. Dont let her invalidate your feelings but also dont be super very hot on her about the conception of the miscarriage (as you two werent together and she was struggling).
Good luck
Honestly based on the wording of this post it sounds like he has a point and a legitimate argument.
And OP also says that her sister drinks a lot. She’s no lightweight.
You’re making assumptions based on incomplete information.
Try being objective in this sub and only use the information given.
Exactly this. It isn’t the fact of her consensually being with someone else, it’s the fact that he’s forcing her to be raped by multiple men while he watches and threatens to break up and she’ll be left homeless.
Op this is RAPE. This is sex trafficking. Please go to the police.
You don’t
It’ll put your relationship onto a shaky path and it’ll hurt his friendship
Sounds like you need to move on.
He was extremely harsh with what he said, but to be perfectly honest I think his emotions got the better of him because you seem to be altering your body without any consideration for what he finds attractive, and in a healthy marriage you need to take your partners feelings on these matters seriously. My wife absolutely does not want me to get a tattoo, so even though I flirted with the idea when I was younger, I have decided that my wife's attraction to me is more important.
I’ve been in your shoes. You’re being gaslit. Get yourself into counseling first. Armor you mind and heart first – just like when flying in planes and the air masks drop. Having your own therapist helps you improve in spite of what happens with your partner. Next, couples counseling. Don’t be fooled that her doing therapy means she’s really trying and doing the inner work. Some people go through the motions even in therapy. From the information you’ve provided I think she’s done but she doesn’t want to pull the trigger tonend things. It’s naked. But you need to be honest with yourself about whether she’s really giving true intention of a desire to stay or just saying enough to not be the bad guy. Trust your gut. If you’re working hard to fight your gut instinct to keep the relationship alive then it’s time to end things. It seems your gut feeling is the relationship is done. If so, then figure out which stage of grief for the relationship you’re in. Once you do, the next step will become more clear. Our brains hate unresolved melodies. The music that was your marriage is over. Your job now is to learn to accept the new reality.
And how are her specific needs any different than mine? She also sounds like a neurodivergent person with acts of service as a love language.