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There are a lot of different aspects here that I find frankly alarming.
The lying. First he tells you he didn't talk to you about it because he thought it may be inappropriate but then he didn't think about how you'd react? What is it?
The gaslighting. He consciously chose to not tell you because you may not like it but was ok with giving it to her in front of you and a mutual friend? That's trying to make a situation appear differently than it actually is. That's the definition of gaslighting.
The excuse. He “overheard” you talking to her about sex toys. First of all, how can you overhear a conversation like that? And then you don't remember even having it. Would you really forget her mentioning sex toys recently? Sounds like HE mentioned sex toys to her now that she's single.
The inappropriateness. In what world is it ok for a man who is married to another woman to gift sex toys to another woman? No world I know of. This gift is as inappropriate as it gets.
The secrecy. He deliberately did not tell you about this part of the gift. He wrapped it secretly, he lied about getting it when you talked about what gifts you got and he kept it a secret until the actual unwrapping.
Major red flags all around. Now for the friend. So far she has done nothing wrong or inappropriate. It's not her fault your husband gifted her inappropriate gifts. She may even think they're more from you as a friend and that's what she didn't say anything.
I'd try to find out how she felt about getting sex toys from your husband, if she remembers that alleged conversation with you. I'd also make it clear that I did not know he’d gift her that.
If I was the friend I'd be embarrassed and I would feel unsafe around the husband. I'd distance myself from you as well if I thought you were in on it and I'd assume you were trying to set up a threesome.
She's the manager at my old job
That's what I'm thinking like if she's shitting on everything he does, his friends, and only pays 30% of their “costs”, she probably doesn't like anything about him and is only there because of he's a meal ticket.
It's like they had always been unhinged!
“Mother? What mother? This is your mother, see?” Ahhhh… what?
Gaslighting vibes.