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You say you don't want to weaponize your children, and I respect that.
But your kids will grow up learning that it's OK to exclude their dad, and he doesn't deserve respect, since their grandparents show little to none towards him and their mom is ok with it. And that treating people like your parents treat your dad is normal and ok.
It is not, but that's what you are teaching your kids – not by words, but by actions, and that lasts longer.
They are your kids. You can decide what is the best for them. But right now it seems like you are highly biased towards favoring your dad than your husband. Your dad treated your husband with decency only when he realized you would not live! with him if he didn't. That's not right. You can't pretend to forgive someone just to get what you want then exclude them completely afterwards. You are telling your dad that it is ok to treat your husband like that, to the point you are even considering spending Christmas away from your husband and bring his kids too.
Your kids will spend Christmas away from their father because your dad is throwing a tantrum.
If you aren't able to defend the man you decided to marry and have kids with, at least make an effort to defend your kids.
Also, no, kids do not grow up happier having their grandparents around, unless they are good grandparents. They may treat your kids ok, but them treating your husband like this is not being good grandparents and it will have lasting consequences on your kids.
Do yourself a favor and move on.
If his feelings for you were really strong, he wouldn't have trouble picking you. That he's still hung up on another woman is just trouble for you.
And I imagine he won't cut her off, and if he does, he'll resent you. She'll forever be a shadow in your relationship.
Odds are she's just doing this because he moved on with you. She'll probably do that to every single relationship he has unless he sets boundaries, which I doubt he will.
A guy you've been dating for a month is not worth this trouble. Just move on to greener pastures.
They may or may not reciprocate those feelings. But even if they do reciprocate, what are the practicalities of making it work and are both parties going to step up to the plate to do so?
Leave. Tell her you don’t feel appreciated and that you’ve tried the best you could. Stand firm regardless of what she says, because at this point it’s just talk. Ultimately you’re trying to convince someone to give you sex. That’s always a bad position to be in. Nothing you can do about it. She looks at it as a chore. And hangs it over your head with this checklist of things for you to do. Seems manipulative. The reason for her not having sex with you is not important anymore. You two aren’t compatible. You’ve jumped through the hoops already. You’re past this stage. You aren’t happy and you don’t trust her and it’s eating at your mental health. The screaming matches followed by radio silence with no resolution- Sounds toxic as hell. Again leave.
You’re 30 years old. Still young and in your prime. Be single. Download some dating apps. Start lifting weights/working out/eating healthy. Right now is a critical time to focus on your health. It won’t be easy to walk away from 4 years, painful in fact. A year from now you’ll be much happier and healthier. Think of it as an investment for your future. Investment in your sanity and happiness.
But you are 100% right I’m letting her continuously do this and I may need to cut her out until she gets it
goddamn!
Your relationship wether you like it or not, the new made person will be around for awhile hopefully,
Many people do not realize how powerful the jealousy instinct is in them until it's right in front of them. Saying you're fine with it is totally different than seeing it in front of you when it comes to visceral emotions.
Drugs make your body go poop/fart/puke/cry/laugh/ it can be some incredibly messy stuff.
Your boyfriend didn’t react sympathetic to you at all. I would confront him that your friends reacted much nicer than he did, and ask him why he reacted so poorly?
In a comment you mentioned he has a Bipolar family member…. this has NOTHING to do with you. You’ve been with this man for 3 years and yet he seemed embarrassed of you. Just for puking? What will he do when you have a baby and poop during delivery (this is normal and everyone does it). Will he stop loving your baby?
Dear OP, you deserve better. He needs to check himself. Maybe he needs therapy. And maybe…. Perhaps maybe…. You need a new boyfriend.
Also if he is being paid under the table, or kinda not at all, he is not building credit history/score and will struggle if trying to lease /secure loans.