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He doesn't put work into pleasing you but suggested you put more work into things?? What?
His porn consumption is not normal or healthy and is absolutely the root issue for you guys in the bedroom. I'd talk with him about it, and set firm boundaries. This has to change or I'm out. Of course I wouldn't blame you if you just left! Three years is a long time to go thru this as the partner. A long time of having your self esteem fly all over the place while he's getting his cake and eating it.
He should be bending over(lol) to please you at this point not the other way around.
She is abusive and manipulative. She put her hands on you when she grabbed your shirt. Then she said “What are you going to do about it” which is an outright challenge. She is testing to see if you let this pass, then she knows she can do it again and even push farther. Her doing a lot of house projects is to try and make up for her wrong doing without having to admit she was in the wrong.
SO many red flags here. If you allow this, it will continue and escalate. She is showing you who she is, believe her. Do not allow her to abuse you and then make it up to you. This will become a pattern. You need to end this now.