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You don’t put boundaries on other people because you’re insecure. You work to resolve your insecurities, so you can always offer autonomy and stability to potential partners.
That’s how toxicity begins. Insecurity.
There is no gentle way to have this conversation. You just need to rip the band aid off and do it.
No matter when you have the conversation, or how gently you handle it, it’s going to hurt her. But the longer you leave it, the more it will hurt her when it happens. Stop stringing her along.
You know you want to get married. You don’t know if you want to marry her. After 3 years, that’s your answer. You don’t want to marry her.
you don’t tell them that that is the reason. it will make you look extremely bad and you might permanently damage them mentally. you break up with them with other excuse.
Backpedal- “reverse one's previous action or opinion.” They just opened the relationship for the first time, neither of them established the rules for their open relationship before agreeing, and he unknowingly crossed a boundary for her. She didn't establish this boundary for the relationship before, at least from the information we've been given. How is he to know what line he crossed and how he crossed it?
Others have mentioned excellent points. I just want to reiterate two things:
1) it’s not your story to be confrontational about. You mentioned that you feel too nice about it and all. But it’s not your story to throw into their faces but the story of the survivor. She apparently wants to play nice with them for now. So unless she is okay with it I wouldn’t confront the parents as the backlash will most likely hit her the hardest (I assume they will deny and blame her fir hurting the family etc which will traumatize her all over).
HOWEVER just because I don’t recommend to confront them that doesn’t include your bf. Therefore
2) at a minimum, he must agree that any future children can NEVER be alone with either of his parents. Never. Actually he shouldn’t just agree to it, he should suggest it, he should be the driver of the decision. This is nit a negotiation where he can agree with you to appease you. He must be 1000% on board. Otherwise I wouldn’t even consider staying with him.
You’re judging his mom for staying with him – justifiably, and I am, too – but you’re doing mental gymnastics to stay with your boyfriend, too. The whole family (minus sister) are covering up for a rapist. What other girls have they exposed to a rapist with their excuses & secrets? He plans to let his future children near this predator? None of it is okay.
She’s been asking about marriage very frequent lately.
She proposed to you.
You said no.
End of love story.