You are only 5 months in. People have different opinions on if you can have platonic relationships with people you’ve slept with. You either don’t agree on this boundary OR he crosses your boundaries in a different way (like being flirty, etc.).
Not to be stereotypical Reddit, but if not being friends with people you’ve slept with is a boundary of yours that he doesn’t agree with, it doesn’t sound like this is a relationship worth investing in and you should leave.
I think there's a LOT to be said for the body you chose, the body you know, and the body you've had beautiful experiences with. My first long term girlfriend who I dated through highschool was beautiful and had very crooked (but clean) teeth. Since that time I've realized that I like imperfect teeth—it's something I look for because it reminds me of young love, it won't bother me at all, and I know that person will be happy-go-lucky and low maintenance. The platonic ideal doesn't exist in the real world, most people understand that, and imperfections become points of attachment when they're associated with a happy relationship.
Plus, to be frank, no one wants to think of themself as bad at choosing, and we are all biased to think that our thing is the best thing.
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You both sound insecure. She (hypothetically) for not trusting a boyfriend with other girls, and you for how you reacted to this.
I don’t necessarily think it’s a weird thing to say though. But that depends on how she said it and also the context (the rest), so I do get your point and not being sure about it.
As far as the age gap goes, 29 is an age where you’re much more settled in yourself and if you’re self aware and know what you want, it’s not a problem. He’s making excuses because he changed his mind. He needs to say what he wants and be certain.
Having a “difficult childhood” might be a mitigating factor in a criminal sentencing hearing but it doesn't obligate the victims of a crime to forgive the perpetrator. This person didn't even steal from some anonymous store or something, she violated the sacred trust your family invested in her by allowing her into their home, almost certainly knowing she'd be caught. Meaning this wasn't just a matter of her envy or greed but rather an act of self destruction. So unless she's willing to start therapy to reverse her desire to ruin her relationships things like this are likely to happen again and again. That should be the line you draw in terms of willingness to take her back. But also don't expect your family to just get over it. They're probably never going to fully trust her and that's something you'll have to consider if you move forward with her.
Just leave it alone. He probably couldn’t find a picture of himself alone that he liked and this was the best he could come up with. Stop reading into it so deeply.
I don't have kids. I can only imagine what loving your kid feels like for a parent. But people say that a mother's love is the greatest there is.
I suppose when you have your own kids, I hope you'll understand what that love feels like.
And when that happens, I hope you realize how fucked up your dad is for wanting to subject his daughter to such a nasty person.
Don't let him use your love for him to bully you into accepting someone toxic into your life and your kids' lives.
She's 45 years old holding on to a 15 years long grudge against a teenager who was still grieving the family she and your father destroyed. She's behaving like a teenager.
You even apologized to her. She refuses to let go.
Your stepmom is an actual evil person, and emotionally immature. She's toxic.
I think it's time you cut your losses and cut her off. You told your dad exactly what you needed to tell: He's welcome, but she is not. If he won't be in your life without her, then that's his choice.
Comfort yourself with the thought that it was probably wise of you to give him a second chance, however painful it feels right now. 7 months might very well be enough time for a man to realize he has made a bad mistake, and to overcome the cold hand of fear which keeps him from giving himself to you. You tried, and he failed. If you hadn't tried, the doubts about your decision would have gnawed at you forever.
​
I question now whether or not anything was ever real.
It probably was. The man loves you, but he can't make himself commit to you, even though he wants to. He probably hates himself for this failure more than you can imagine, and wishes he could be different.
What to do? I'd say, send him a short reply: “One day you'll realize I'm the only woman you'll ever be happy with. But I can't wait for you to understand that. I'm sorry.” If he shows up crying on his knees, begging and apologizing, you might consider giving him another chance. No sleeping together, though, for several months at least. Whether you do, or not, don't let your just anger lead you to make decisions out of spite.
And if he can't break the mind-forged manacles keeping him from you, well, you'll just have to find someone else. Leave him behind.
She’s trying to get a green card
You are only 5 months in. People have different opinions on if you can have platonic relationships with people you’ve slept with. You either don’t agree on this boundary OR he crosses your boundaries in a different way (like being flirty, etc.).
Not to be stereotypical Reddit, but if not being friends with people you’ve slept with is a boundary of yours that he doesn’t agree with, it doesn’t sound like this is a relationship worth investing in and you should leave.
I think there's a LOT to be said for the body you chose, the body you know, and the body you've had beautiful experiences with. My first long term girlfriend who I dated through highschool was beautiful and had very crooked (but clean) teeth. Since that time I've realized that I like imperfect teeth—it's something I look for because it reminds me of young love, it won't bother me at all, and I know that person will be happy-go-lucky and low maintenance. The platonic ideal doesn't exist in the real world, most people understand that, and imperfections become points of attachment when they're associated with a happy relationship.
Plus, to be frank, no one wants to think of themself as bad at choosing, and we are all biased to think that our thing is the best thing.
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You both sound insecure. She (hypothetically) for not trusting a boyfriend with other girls, and you for how you reacted to this.
I don’t necessarily think it’s a weird thing to say though. But that depends on how she said it and also the context (the rest), so I do get your point and not being sure about it.
Would you say you both have some trust issues?
I'd view it as a form of emotional cheating.
As far as the age gap goes, 29 is an age where you’re much more settled in yourself and if you’re self aware and know what you want, it’s not a problem. He’s making excuses because he changed his mind. He needs to say what he wants and be certain.
Having a “difficult childhood” might be a mitigating factor in a criminal sentencing hearing but it doesn't obligate the victims of a crime to forgive the perpetrator. This person didn't even steal from some anonymous store or something, she violated the sacred trust your family invested in her by allowing her into their home, almost certainly knowing she'd be caught. Meaning this wasn't just a matter of her envy or greed but rather an act of self destruction. So unless she's willing to start therapy to reverse her desire to ruin her relationships things like this are likely to happen again and again. That should be the line you draw in terms of willingness to take her back. But also don't expect your family to just get over it. They're probably never going to fully trust her and that's something you'll have to consider if you move forward with her.
I’m sorry, but I think she broke up with you. She ghosted you, which is wrong and she should have at least texted you and told you.
Why is his time more valuable than your time? I would examine that.
Just leave it alone. He probably couldn’t find a picture of himself alone that he liked and this was the best he could come up with. Stop reading into it so deeply.
Your husband is out of line with demands.
Deal breakers are set as boundaries at the beginning of a relationship, not as punishment for having a friend going through difficult times.
You're already married so the deal is DONE.
OP never let your SO dictate your friends. Next step is isolation and the step after that is abuse.
I don't have kids. I can only imagine what loving your kid feels like for a parent. But people say that a mother's love is the greatest there is.
I suppose when you have your own kids, I hope you'll understand what that love feels like.
And when that happens, I hope you realize how fucked up your dad is for wanting to subject his daughter to such a nasty person.
Don't let him use your love for him to bully you into accepting someone toxic into your life and your kids' lives.
She's 45 years old holding on to a 15 years long grudge against a teenager who was still grieving the family she and your father destroyed. She's behaving like a teenager.
You even apologized to her. She refuses to let go.
Your stepmom is an actual evil person, and emotionally immature. She's toxic.
I think it's time you cut your losses and cut her off. You told your dad exactly what you needed to tell: He's welcome, but she is not. If he won't be in your life without her, then that's his choice.
He definitely needs a sex therapist , have you considered this ?
Comfort yourself with the thought that it was probably wise of you to give him a second chance, however painful it feels right now. 7 months might very well be enough time for a man to realize he has made a bad mistake, and to overcome the cold hand of fear which keeps him from giving himself to you. You tried, and he failed. If you hadn't tried, the doubts about your decision would have gnawed at you forever.
​
I question now whether or not anything was ever real.
It probably was. The man loves you, but he can't make himself commit to you, even though he wants to. He probably hates himself for this failure more than you can imagine, and wishes he could be different.
What to do? I'd say, send him a short reply: “One day you'll realize I'm the only woman you'll ever be happy with. But I can't wait for you to understand that. I'm sorry.” If he shows up crying on his knees, begging and apologizing, you might consider giving him another chance. No sleeping together, though, for several months at least. Whether you do, or not, don't let your just anger lead you to make decisions out of spite.
And if he can't break the mind-forged manacles keeping him from you, well, you'll just have to find someone else. Leave him behind.
You’re the one who ran to the internet to ask us instead of solving your problem like an adult