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Friends won't be enough. I've been there. It won't stop after you grow up, it's gonna be worse every year. You need to act now. Reach out to adults.
My suggestion is therapy. If you're wanting to pursue this relationship then you need to work on yourself, your insecurities, and your self esteem BIG TIME. I hope you take this advice, good luck. (Also, don't EVER say anything that would make her feel self conscious about her past)
After many years of being on the sub, I think this is actually the number one most toxic and abusive relationship that I have encountered.
Every single word you wrote it straight up abuse.
You are abused.
Go no contact with this abusive man and get therapy to figure out what’s going on in your life that is drawing you to this abusive relationship.
It absolutely is not clear that OP is in an “extremely controlling and abusive relationship.” Without an actual example of one of the scenarios where he's hidden details from his wife and how she reacted, we have no idea whether a situation like him lying about playing video games is her trying to stop him from having hobbies, or her being upset because he claimed he was doing something important while she was taking care of their kids and in reality he was gaming.
There are too many possible ways for this scenario to shake out to throw out serious terms like abuse. It's also very common for cheaters to justify cheating by talking about how controlling and miserable their spouse is, when the reality is that they are “nagging” them to be a present partner. We just don't know until and unless he provides more info.