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ok… I can kind of understand the tidiness thing, but not wearing a hat in the house? That's just weird & controlling.
Given the age difference, it's a red flag.
Simple. Just stop making everyone hate you.
Honestly, it sounds to me like their cultural ideas and bigotry is so ingrained in them they've already made up their minds. There is nothing your BF can do to change their opinion of him. They hate South Asian people, so they hate him.
I just wouldn't mention your bf to them. Keep your family on a strict info diet while you're away at college. Give short answers to their questions and don't go into too much detail. Don't tell them anything you KNOW will upset them. The more they know about your life, the more they'll try to use that information as leverage to control you.
Basically, keep them at arm's length. For your emotional safety.
That was the first thing I thought lol
Wont allow…..?? Wont…… ALLOW?!!!!!!
HOW COULD a vibrator replace him, he aint there in the first place! Hes hundreds of miles away. Just stop asking his permission. Never mention this again and do your own thing. He is lucky youre not using an actual man.
I missed the part where suddenly you start answering to him about your orgasms. He will have plenty more fiats for you in the future, this is just the beginning. Ridiculousness!!!
He was I agree – I should have specified. The other things he said were just based about women and how they had no worth beyond being used for sex.
You've already lost close friends. And less close friends.
I am going to call this what it is: abuse.
It would be one thing if these disagreements were kept within your marriage, that they were struggles you were trying to find your way out of as a couple. But they aren't. Isn't it mysterious how it's your friends he's alienating, your friends he's driven away, and now you are considering leaving, you realise how alone you are.
I would like you to rephrase that in your head: this is how alone he has made you.
He knows damn well to keep his mouth shut on topics when he needs to. Given his desperation for you to be a SAHM (something that would isolate you even more) I presume he works. To keep that job, he can't ever have implored a colleague to keep an unwanted pregnancy, nor has he sent out mass emails to his workplace imploring the women there to dress “appropriately” holy fuck. So he knows how to coexist with people in a civil manner and when to shut up and keep his opinions to himself.
But he did decide to share them, and share them in an incredibly insulting and condescending manner. Isn't that curious. How strange.
Sometimes people are religious, and sometimes people are controlling and abusive and wrap the reasons for that in religion.
You know all those friends he's driven away? I bet if you contacted them and said “help, I am so sorry for what he said to you, I've been trying to leave him but have no support network left, can you help?” they would come running back.
(Also, Jesus said if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out, so play your fucking Taylor swift and the next time he complains hand him a sharpened kitchen implement and tell him that sounds like a him problem. Again, isn’t it so strange that something the bible tells him to take personal responsibility on ends up as just another piece of joy to snatch away from you until eventually you are left so small and bereft of yourself you become nothing but a vessel for his desires, which is all he wants in the end anyway, or he would have done more to preserve that joy. That is one of the cores of a good relationship; you try to help each other find joy. Where is yours?)
Sometimes little boys want to play dress up to not be left out of their sister's fun and that's all.
But sometimes they're gay.
He has taken your friends. He would like to take your job. If your children don't conform, what will he do to them? Do you want them to grow up with his voice inside their head telling them how wrong and sinful they are, until he steals all their joy too?
Right now they think you both believe that. Because you have stayed. And both of them are looking at the pair of you and slowly absorbing that dynamic and believing that is what a loving relationship looks like, with one spouse so demanding of another she can't even play music she likes and has to hide her career like it's shameful. And then they will grow up and go out into the world and they will try to replicate that dynamic with their partners.
Is where you are now what you want them to grow up to become? Is this the marriage, the life, you would wish for your daughter?
You know you need to leave and he knows it too, which is why the “change”; only enough to keep you from leaving, to plant that seed of doubt, as you have noticed. It's not “i was wrong” but “fine, if you'rebeing so unreasonable about checks notes being an autonomous human being i guess i can give in”. Soon he'll make a suggestion that will remove even more of your ability to leave (that house you can barely afford was likely part of it; next will be another baby, or another house move to somewhere even more expensive but in a location you can't work, etc) and then he'll revert to how it was, because he isn't interested in making you happy, in giving you joy, he's interested in keeping you controlled.
Your kids are young. They will adjust. Right now they are being set up for one life in particular and if either of them don't fit it, they are going to spend their existence hating themselves. You could give them other viewpoints. More options. A glimpse of a world beyond the father's control and outside of his restrictions.
Please see a lawyer. You can do this.
That's half the fun!
I think she has a problem with people telling her things. I can tell her how her lying has affected me and she will reply with “I'm sorry I'm not perfect for you”. This makes me feel like crap. Like I'm the one that hurt her and I shouldn't have.