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That nervous feeling is a really important survival mechanism. Going to his house when you only know him from the internet is a foolish thing to do.
Insist on dates in public places to start with.
Yeah I can get that. However he’d been suspiciously protective about his phone lately so I decided to check his social media accounts.
I’m concerned about the age of this particular girl and how young she looked- and the fact my bf (34) was checking her out… not trying to be critical.
And I’m also asking if people who use social media (fb, Ig, TikTok, Snapchat) for porny accounts are likely to socialize w them.
I hate to be the first one to say it, but OP this whole situation is a red flag.
Your fiancé is 13 years older than you. That is a massive age gap. To add to that, you had a child when you met. Such a large age gap is concerning enough. But your daughters responses to him are massively concerning. The reactions your daughter is having to him are alarming, to say the least.
I would recommend speaking to a Paediatrician, and explaining in full, what has been happening.
I can already see people are going to assume he's romantically inclined towards her, and I'm going to disagree with that. I was recently forced to move out of my own childhood home, and it was surprisingly traumatic (I won't get into why). Honestly, I'd do anything to go back, and I can understand why your husband is doing this.
But its completely inappropriate. This 20 year old lives alone with her child, and she may get the impression he has other reasons for being there. That may make her feel unsafe. Not to mention that when buying a house, literally not a single person on Earth wants the last homeowner to be coming with that deal. I completely understand how hard this is for him, but he needs to stop this and move on, and leave her alone. Even if she says its completely fine, a lot of people are just conflict avoidant or don't want to cause hurt feelings- maybe she's really okay with it, maybe she isn't, but regardless, she shouldn't really have to be in a position where she has to reassure anyone of this one way or another. She's alone for the first time I imagine, away from family. Time to let her be, and not have some older guy constantly come around.
OP has absolutely zero obligation at the end of the day, but trying to dissuade her husband from taking custody of the child comes from a place of pure selfishness. She is welcome to walk away from the marriage, but she'd rather try to convince him to not adopt the child. He is also welcome to walk away from the marriage. They married on the condition of being child-free, but I'm amazed OP is seriously trying to find ways to prevent husband from taking the child in.
That is why I'm calling her heartless. She isn't just saying “I can't care for a child, I don't have it in me”, she's also saying “send this child somewhere else”, knowing full well that the “else” is either a horrible bio dad or difficult foster care system.