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Every time I try to break up with him, he yells at me, so I just stay.
This is the second really concerning post in this sub I've encountered in the space of days and only because the posts appear in my homefeed.
I really encourage you to reach out to familial, social and even professional supports and untangle yourself from this person. They are treating you like a possession and that isn't endearing, cute or romantic. Too many people, women especially, die in relationships like this. Please get out.
I don't agree with a lot of people giving advice here. Several have said that she is jealous of your contact with your father, that she may think you are going to move more in his direction and leave her too, affection wise, or that she sees you meeting with them as taking sides.
I think the issue stems from the fact that the person she expected to spend her life with, the one she trusted more than anyone else and loved, betrayed her in the worst way possible, abandoning her and their family for a young attractive woman that she couldn't compete with, and shouldn't have had to. She expects you to be as justifiably morally outraged as she is, to resent your father like she does and hold a grudge against him for the massive betrayal his actions were. Your apparent happy relationship with him completely ignores that betrayal, it suggests that you aren't really upset enough at him or judge him harshly enough. While you admit what he did was shitty, you're not actually angry at him for it, you don't resent him as much as she thinks is natural for the son of an adulterous shithole who would do that, and so you are, in effect, colluding with his betrayal. Your not taking sides is actually the problem, you are complicit in his betrayal by not holding him accountable, by not denying him a perfectly normal relationship with his son as if he has done nothing wrong.
I don't know I agree with all of that, but I think that's what is behind your mother finally deciding she doesn't need you if you carry on supporting him.
You need to tell her beforehand in case she doesn't want to see you.
but elena sent flirty texts, no?
That's not how the story read to me, but sadly it has been deleted so who knows. Regardless, considering the risks women face with on-line dating, I think investigating someone is reasonable. And its not like she wasn't looking at stuff that anyone has access to. This wasn't like she hacked a db to spy on him or something.
I asked my fiancee if he would still be with his ex if she never cheated and he said yes
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Tbh, that was such a silly question. If he thought it was a good relationship up until the cheating, then obviously the answer is yes. That isn't a comment on your relationship now – if she hadn't cheated, they wouldn't have broken up & therefore he would've never been single to start dating you.
Having said that though, it's very clear you were looking f9r reassurance and a 32yo should be mature enough to recognise that. My question is this – why are you marrying someone who can't go more than a few days without mentioning his ex when they broke up more than 3 years ago?? That's a serious hang-up.
I'm not saying break up or never get married, but personally I wouldn't be walking down the aisle until he agrees to go talk to a counsellor about how to move past this anger. It's not fair to be constantly dumping that on you or healthy for him to expend so much mental energy living in/being angry about the past.
It’s not an irrational boundary.
There are actually a lot of people who have boundaries like this, I’m writing this comment as one of them.
What matters is that, when we have boundaries like this, we can’t control someone’s actions. They have to agree with that boundary because they want to, and it doesn’t sound like that’s what’s happening here.
Ultimately, when someone steps over any boundary that you’ve drawn, it’s usually a sign for you to leave, especially when it’s repeated over and over like this. Him swearing he’ll stop sounds like nonsense at this point, as he’s had many, many opportunities where he could have done that.
I think, realistically, if you’re going to stay in this relationship you need to consider whether you would be happy not having this boundary.
Omg sorry I feel my previous comment sounds sarcastic, it is not, I do genuinely value what you have said there and it is something I do wrestle with. Thank you for commenting