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Well, have you considered that perhaps she's getting her jollies elsewhere? Are there any other potential red flags that you've missed? If yes, then do the due diligence required to satisfy yourself of her continued fidelity, or infidelity. And if infidelity take the appropriate actions.
However, even in the absence of infidelity, the bottom line is that you're unhappy in the relationship, especially in the indifference she shows toward you. You should sit her down and lay out for her in unambiguous language your dissatisfaction with your home life, and that if it continues as it has, you'll be seeking a divorce.
That's a pretty bleak start to a conversation, but it might take highly charged words to shock her out of her indifference. She may respond with “do what you feel you need to do”, in which case she feels no need to change the way she's living, and in that case, begin the divorce process. However, she might take notice, and mend her ways. You'll never know until the conversation is held.
In the meantime, simply treat her as she treats you.
I wish you well.
she is 21
“I’m 19 and he is 30. We’ve been friends for three years”
I didn’t need to hear anymore past that. He is a creeper
No problem. You’re both young though, so you probably have to realise it’ll be a few years before he’s going to want to settle down. Best of luck.
You're in for a very very lonely life with that attitude. Hope it works out for you.
how would you feel (community responders) if you were my partner?
I'd probably feel pretty shitty and neglected. Are you actually the partner writing this? lol