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Do I need to state the obvious here? Pretty clear what he intends to do on that trip.
I wish Reddit still gave our free awards so I could give you one.
This is VERY important information and I would include it as an edit to your post. This changes things because it shows how she views time and relaxation. This sounds like it's more than just games, it's the idea of just doing nothing, just being in the moment, upsets her.
My father was an addict as well. All of these suggestions are excellent. God speed.
You did know you would come at this point.
Yeah. But again 15 years. How shocked would you be? I'm not saying he didn't do wrong. But I understand how/why. And getting too much hate for something he totally wasn't prepared for.
And imo his initial reaction isn't the true problem here. It's what has happened since which apparently isn't much. He either needs to wake up and find a way to support op and since that doesn't seem to be happening he needs a shove either out the door or towards the way he can help her. Just saying his bad does diddly to help anyone here.
And just a bit more from my perspective. What my exes have told peoples first reactions have been.
Ex number one: dad kinda blamed her, then did an instant 180 and said he'd kill the guy. Ended up doing nothing and making it all about how bad he feels, much worse than the dude here. So much so that ex went low contact. Brother a bit better but not much, kinda tried to ignore it. Mom basically said shit happens and it's sad and went low contact. Sister hasn't been told since she's not mentally well. Same when it happened to her again. Most bf she's told haven't handled it much better than her dad. Some just broke up or saw her as tainted. Asked if it was anyway her fault etc. Current one handled it better but started drinking. Women friends said the first guy looked good and was nice and didn't believe her. Or just played it down. Second guy they didn't know. But still her friends didn't take it well or help much really.
Ex number two. Hadn't really told that many people. But not much to tell. Said at best some sympathy but mostly people tried to avoid talking about it.
Ex number three. Hadn't told any other bf, or family but actually had helpful friends that had gone through similar incidents. Also had women friends that blamed her or said it's just normal and why does she want to talk about it.
Compared to these people ops guy isn't that bad after such a long time and being in shock. Of course people should be better. And again I'm not saying he handled it well. But he could have been a lot worse. And that's no excuse. But the focus should be on what happens next. Does he help. Does someone help him help her. Or what.
An extremely slippery slope.
Like hydroplaning a drag car on vaseline lubricated ice with oil.
no she cheated on you and tried to omit the truth, leave her
You are already doing all that can be done. Only a trained and experienced therapist can help him. There are medications that can reduce the impact of the memories, but he has to want to help himself. At 83yo, some of the childhood experiences still haunt. If you want to be with him, listening, understanding, and affection will help him get over the rough spots until he finds his way to the right therapist. Be happy.
Love this
Then block him on everything.
His stated reason is a bit ick (maybe he saw some relatives go through bad divorces while growing up?). And I suspect it's not his sole reason, so a prenup isn't a magical cure-all.
Lots of perfectly nice people don't believe in marriage for a wide diversity of reasons. They can have deep, meaningful, lifelong relationships without subscribing to the institution. But many lose their aversion to marriage as they age.
The median age for college-educated people in the US is over 30. You're still relatively young. As you guys age together, he”ll start to find more reasons why marriage has practical benefits (hospital visits, retirement planning, residency visas if you move abroad, etc). Which might outweigh his reasons against.
That is the average, remember that averages are weird.
There is poem in my language that sais: 1 person have 2 breads, the other person has 0 breads, average: 1 bread per person.
Even if those number are the “normal” YOU DON'T HAVE TI FORCE YOURSELF TO GET TO THAT NUMBERS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
Please research asexuality and the ace community, you could be in that spectrum and it's totally normal to not want sex!! The thing is find a partner that is compatible.
Sounds like a bad situation all round.
If your wife has depression then perhaps encouraging her to get the help she needs will make more of a positive difference in your lives than minimising her mental health struggles.
You complain that she doesn’t work but you don’t work yourself. You say you’re 2 months sober which means you’ve potentially spent the other 58 months your daughter has been alive as a drunk.
Honestly you both sound like you’ve not got it together in the way that most parents aim to get it together. Maybe your sister is the one doing the hot work, maybe you’re all 3 in the same place, who knows.
Instead of pointing fingers because your wife is 8 weeks behind you in terms of progress and dragging each other down like crabs in a bucket maybe try working together like a partnership should be.
Hey – you are me 5 years ago. I found out about his addictions, and that the ‘high water bill’ I needed to pay more money for ‘because of all the baths I take’ was actually him stealing from me. I waited around for a while, to try to help him. I can tell you from the bottom of my heart – it is not worth it.
Leave. You will be so much happier. The trust is broken, and you will never look at him the same. He risks losing you to cover his addictions, and he doesn’t care. That should tell you what you need to know about how he feels. Respect yourself, because he doesn’t.
Staying with him, also won’t help him. It enables his behaviour. Leaving might actually give him the kick up the arse he needs to get his shit together.
Good luck.