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Spread your wings and fly away with your goodest girl
im sorry to hear that you're in pain too.. They got reasons which we will never know unfortunately
Very glad to see you out of this ugly situation. You ate right, no decent man would ever let his friend treat his wife like second rate or worse, forcing her to sleep and sit out in the car while he himself has a warm bed.
Yup. Some “men” don't have the nerve to actually end a relationship just because they don't feel the same way they once did so they take the super mature route of insulting and belittling their SO into leaving. That way they can act like you were the problem and wasn't mature enough to handle criticism. He's an AH, rate him a 0 in the bf category and find yourself a 10….. well find an 8 that is into improvement
I have two pieces of advice that will depend on how willing or ready you are to end the relationship. Because as a spoiler alert, this relationship really shouldn’t last. You can’t fix her and you’re putting your friendships and employment at risk exposing yourself to her manipulation.
Before I get into this, I don’t think your girlfriend is a bad person. She’s probably genuinely distressed by this, and she’s likely being taken over by some big emotions when she does this. That said, her mental health struggles aren’t her fault, but they are 100% her responsibility. She needs to get therapy and likely medical treatment as well to deal with her attachment issues. You can’t love her into being okay.
This is going to be long and involved because she’s not going to make this easy.
1) If you are ready to break up with her:
First, do not do this in person. I cannot state this strongly enough. Whatever you’re currently experiencing when you try to leave now is going to turn up to 100 when you leave her after breaking up.
Second, tell her mom or any friend she has right before you do so. I know you said she doesn’t have a lot of friends, but hopefully there is at least one. Otherwise, her mom will need and want to know.
When you tell her mom/friend about the impending breakup, make it very clear. “I am going to break up with _____ today. She is going to need you. In the past, she has engaged in self-harm and has stated/implied she would hurt herself if I ever left. If she does this when I leave, it would help to know you’ll be there to help her.“
You might also want to do this when you know her mom is home.
I would recommend breaking up either over the phone or over text. This is commonly seen as the rudest method of dumping somebody but tbh, only people you trust not to stop your leaving can reasonably expect in-person, face-to-face relationship ending.
If for whatever reason you decide to disregard this advice and do this in person, do NOT leave your phone where she can access it. Keep it in your pocket. You will need your phone in the inevitable event you need to call her mom or the police (if you live in an area not known for murderous cops and/or your girlfriend is white) to be able to escape. Maybe bring a friend to stand by in your car who knows to call in reinforcements if you’re not out in a reasonable amount of time.
This next step is important: Once you have broken up and have managed not to get trapped in her home, do not respond to her at all. No calls, texts, emails. Block her. Do not unblock her. She will use any method of contact to wheedle her way back into your heart including guilt, which she knows is a very effective tool to entrap you.
2) If you are not ready to break up with her:
First and foremost: either stop having sex completely or only when using condoms you have bought and can verify have not been tampered with. Do not trust that she is on birth control, and do not use any condoms she provides. If the option is condomless penetrative sex or no sex at all, opt for no sex every single time.
Next: Stop hanging out at her house. Go out on cheap or free dates, to your place. But under no circumstances should you keep going to the place she keeps trapping you. If she asks why, tell her that it’s because you don’t trust her to let you leave. If she refuses to go on dates or to your home, even better!
If for whatever reason you do end up going to her place (which I really, seriously, don’t recommend ever doing again):
A- Keep your phone and keys in your pockets. You’ve mentioned that she’s taken your phone to stop you from leaving, so make sure she can’t do that.
B- Leave way, way, way before you need to. She’s proven she will make you late if given the chance, and jobs/classes/family/friends will not always be tolerant of this. I’m talking leaving an hour or more before you need to. However long she tends to take before you’re finally able to escape her, that’s how long to give yourself to leave.
C- If she picks up on that, or starts extending the time it takes to let you leave, start resorting to tricking her. Ask to get a drink of water or go to the bathroom while she’s calm, and leave. Send her a text when you arrive at wherever letting her know you left and that you only did this because she won’t let you leave otherwise. Just be forewarned that you only get to do this once or twice tops. She won’t let you do this more than this.
D- No matter what, tell her mom about the self-harm and degree she’s been trapping you. Her mother is her number one source of support once you leave (and to emphasize, you should 30,000% leave this relationship), and her mother will know better how to get your girlfriend help than you will.
E- When you tell her you need to leave, do not comfort her or emotionally respond. This will take a lot of practice, unfortunately she’ll give you a lot of opportunity to do this if you stay. Pretend you’re a robot, keep emotion out of your voice, and repeat yourself. Say something like, “I need to leave. You are stopping me from leaving even though you promised you wouldn’t. Let me go.” Don’t apologize, don’t hug her, don’t provide any comfort until AFTER she allowed you to leave, and even then do it via text or in a call.
Every time her tears or physical attempts to stop you from leaving work to delay you leaving, you’re rewarding her for trapping you. You’re training her that you won’t leave if she cries, clings to you, or threatens to self-harm.
Something I want to emphasize to you, both as somebody who used to cut themself and somebody who is soon to enter the field of therapy:
If she cuts herself, it’s not your fault. Full stop. There are no worlds that exist in which it would be. She grabs the sharp implement and she cuts herself, where exactly would your involvement or fault be? The emotional distress causing that impulse? That impulse is there already.
I once cut myself because I was sad and my food order being wrong pushed me over the edge. Does that make it the fault of the person that made the food? I, and literally every other psychological professional would argue that it’s not even remotely their fault.
You would not be responsible for any emotional reaction she has to these boundaries or the relationship ending. You’ve been more than understanding, you’ve advised she get help. She refuses. She has guilted you into not doing the #1 thing you should have done as soon as you were made aware of her self-harm, which is telling her mom.
I know it feels otherwise. Your girlfriend has done a number on you to the point where you’re having a naked time getting past the guilt. Whatever happens, I do recommend that you reach out for help of your own. Not because there’s anything wrong with you, but because you’ve clearly gone through a lot in this relationship, and deserve to not feel like you are solely responsible for your girlfriend not cutting herself.
OP, I wish you well, and I hope you’re able to break away from this. You don’t deserve this. She needs help, and you’re not qualified to be the one that gives it to her. Her mother is. Tell her ASAP.
I really don’t claim to make good life choices. I know I fucked up. This ex is one of my oldest « friend »!and I had trouble thinking our relationship/friendship was no good because we were in a relationship. Honestly I was really disappointed to see I was just a piece of ass to him. « Supplying me with drugs » is not really a thing because in Paris if you know where to look there’s coke basically everywhere
Thanks big guy ❤️