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I definitely know that I am still angry, but don't really know what to do about it. If I talk with her she gets annoyed that I don't move on, and that I keep bringing up the past, which in turn makes her feel bad and that is something she doesn't have the “mental space” for right now.
And when she asked me what I needed, I told her that I need her to feel remorse for what she did, not just for hurting me. I need her to understand that what she did is not right. She makes it into a comparison. She strongly feels that what I did was way worse. I feel the opposite because I am more hung up on the sex, but I also know that having a d*ck measuring contest to see who was worse doesn't solve anything.
You both need to be more patient and understanding. You're now working nude to get somewhere in the adult world. This means paying bills and having responsibilities. Learning about priorities and meeting couple goals if you have any.
Give each other a break. You've not lived together properly yet and you're saving up for a wedding and somewhere to online. That's a lot to work for, especially if he's the only income. There's already a lot happening in only a year.
Just remember, relationships are more then fluffy feelings and destiny. They are work and consistency from both sides. You two will get there and it will all be worth it. He's working towards your future so be his cheerleader and make plans together. Don't put unnecessary pressure on yourselves. Up your communication and talk about priorities together.
That's my point. You DON'T avoid talking about a happy childhood. And yet it's something that can make people uncomfortable due to their past. But still, it's not REQUIRED that you disclose your traumatic past to everyone to avoid them feeling bad that you feel bad.
So what ended up happening, OP?
You can't get a protective order by telling the judge “he gestured like he might hit me”, I don't think we are getting the whole story here.
I am 45 now but had a lot of heartbreak in my 20’s and 30’s. This may not be what you want to hear, but you two aren’t a good fit. I saw your comment, it’s ok to want lazy days. It’s ok to not like your job. You’re better off single than with someone who isn’t happy with you.
Best thing I did was spend a lot of time alone, developed some hobbies and made friends through local Meetup.com groups. There are so many apps to make friends these days too. I met friends who liked me for who I was… I didn’t have to pretend to be a person who was “cool”. By the time I met my now husband, I had much more confidence than I had in my 20’s. That definitely helped the balance of our relationship because we both felt we had a lot to offer.
Red flags. Find someone who respects and values your boundaries.