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Yeah. I agree, its clear that thisll be important to their relationship. Its just, he might be a good person otherwise we dont know enough to judge his overall character, just this one trait and his compatibility with this person. And since she has cats and wants children, i enthusiastically agree with you they should break up. And that he should be nicer to cats, all sentient beings feel.
May I ask why you decide to take a break?
No, no one has ever been able to negotiate desire. That's not really how that works. You can ignore it and move on, but you can't force yourself to sexually desire someone.
Ask him to trim the beard, not shave it. If that doesn't really help, I'd suggest moving on.
Did you wait until marriage to have sex?
Thank you for your perspective.
You’re right, none of this is Tammi’s fault. She just happens to be awful person but I know this is all on my dad. And I did realize that some years ago. I know intellectually that my dad is incapable of being the person I need him to be. I just wish I could feel it.
I do believe I love my dad but I also think I have a shaky understanding of what “love” feels like. I sometimes wonder if the love I feel for my dad isn’t a kind of trauma bond. I can’t imagine all the years of being his child therapist and confidant didn’t do something to me.
There’s so much to unpack here. Thanks again for helping me think it through.
I probably should have used “bullies” instead of “abusers.”
I meant someone who doesn't want to face their own poor behavior and uses “it's just a joke” to deflect.
You need to accept this: people are going to bring you gifts on your wedding day. It doesn't matter what you write on the invite. It doesn't matter how you word it, how bold the lettering is. There is no magic phrase that will stop everyone. Someone out there will read your no gifts request and think “oh, I am 100% ignoring this” and then bring you a gift. It is inevitable. I need you to know this is true. You are going to get gifts. End of story.
I would put a tastefully worded “The couple requests no presents, only your presence” or something of that nature…and then let it go. You cannot control how other people act. You can, however, control your reaction. And to be clear, not letting someone into your wedding who is trying to show they care via a gift into would be an EXTREME overreaction. Gift giving is a love language, even if it's not your love language. Trust me, anyone who doesn't want to give you a gift will take the out on the invite. The only gifts you'll get are from those who don't feel burdened by giving you something. Maybe thinking of it that way will help you deal with your feelings.
Perhaps include something in your invite or wedding website saying “In lieu of presents, the couple requests you donate to (insert charity you care about here).” But to be clear, even with this: expect gifts.
Sorry, bud, but there's no way around this one. You just have to take a deep breath and accept gifts from the few people who don't listen to your invite. It won't be everyone. Try to be gracious and move on. It's not like you have to open them in front of everyone!
I don't think so. I think it would be more shock. He might push back a little like say “no it's not rape”. If he does start getting upset you can either walk out or say something like “you raped me you are not allowed to speak to me that way. You are lucky I'm not going to the police. “. If you decide not to go to the cops. You know him better than I do though. If he's a hot head then maybe it's best just to leave and break up with him over text. I'm sure he will ask why and you can mention the rape then. That way if he gets mad you aren't there and he can't start yelling. I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. I'm sure it's not easy.