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Birth Date: 1995-12-27
Body Type: bodyTypeAverage
Ethnicity: ethnicityAsian
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He’s not.
Sorry.
Your update is absolutely terrific. Your neurodiversity has given you a leg up here in terms of being able to pull this apart in a way that is constructive. Obviously your own therapeutic experience is of great value here.
Talking with him about what CBT can do for him is great. Not only diverting intrusive thoughts but giving him reframes for impulsive and half-analyzed thoughts.
Thank you for the update.
Honestly they should probably break up. Tough to come back from this. She will resent him forever for the death of her cat and he will resent her forever if they euthanize the dog.
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If you weren't turned on you are incompatible. Take it for what it is. You are feeling valid emotions. It's ok to just say goodbye, it was a mistake. Don't make it a big todo, just resolve it and quick like.
Notice OP said they're 30 and 31 respectively, but have been together for 17 years. They are MIDDLE SCHOOL sweethearts. People are usually skeptical of high school sweethearts, and middle school sweethearts are almost unheard of. Most people don't even consider boyfriends/girlfriends from their middle school years to be real, valid dating partners…especially since middle schoolers can't really…go on dates? Not without parental help (and probably supervision) anyway. So most of us just kind of dismiss that time of our lives as awkward kids making dumb decisions.
If they sound unemotional to the point of being stunted (which I think is a good point), it could be an experience issue? I'd be very surprised if they dated anyone else, and if they did, I'd be skeptical that elementary school relationships would hold the same…value? For learning how to have a healthy adult relationship? They probably still have at least some habits and views on the relationship that formed when they were, ya know, 13/14.
“It doesn't count as cheating if it's another girl,” sounds EXACTLY like the kind of cringey garbage my friends back in middle school (or even high school) would have said.
Obviously, before someone comes at me, I'm not saying they can't have matured. But they definitely didn't build their ideas of an ideal, healthy relationship from experience. They would have needed some really great role models to demonstrate healthy relationships, or been very aware of their shortcomings and put in the work with, like, reading about what makes relationships work and stuff. And, well, gestures at original post it doesn't read that way.
I would dump someone who tried this “boundary.”
I don't want to fuck my guy friends, and if I couldn't trust my partner to be around his female friends, then I wouldn't date him in the first place.
This some middle school shit, or some extremist evangelical shit. You won't catch me taking relationship advice from Mike Pence.
My god you sound insecure as fuck
Err. No means no. Consent means enthusiastic ongoing voluntary yes.
He ignored both of these for his own satisfaction and attempted to guilt you into continuing (aka coercion).
Tell him to go F himself and get some help do the anger issues.
People should shut up and let you on-line your life how you want with who you want. As long as everyone is a consenting adult then it really doesn't matter what other people think.
Explain all that to your partner but still tell him. It’s grossly inappropriate and you don’t know for sure whether your hypothesis is correct. Defend your marriage with open communication.
It's time to end..you are heading into different directions and Sheesh that man sounds controlling and exhausting and please get rid/block these family and friends
Please do better. For yourself.
You should not be down voted for asking why. We don’t all know the same things.
It could be innocent but we tend to be attracted to (feels familiar faster) races/faces that were present during our childhood/puberty. There is a demographic of men who find Asian women attractive bc they see them as submissive, docile, quieter, petite (obviously not all Asian women are petite but the fetish sways diminutive), in short easier to control and make them feel more dominant and masculine by comparison. If a man needs a woman to be submissive in order to feel masculine it’s likely that he’s insecure and insecure men tend project their shame onto their mates. If you google Asian fetish you’ll see many articles from the perspective of Asian women describing what they deal with from men objectively their race on a daily basis.
It’s important to note that Asian women are not more submissive or docile, they’re individuals and the stereotype is harmful and polices their expected behavior (we subconsciously hold people to standards and there’s a social cost when they’re not met).
This doesn’t mean every interracial relationship with an Asian woman is misogynistic/abusive but many Asian women see the preference/fetish as a huge red flag.
It should go without saying that attraction in general is more complex than who you grew up with. .. or who you’re attracted to until you meet them.
I mean, what did you expect? You should not have asked that question unless you were up for talking about your rape. Then, instead of just saying what you want in bed, you send a bunch of mixed signals. Then you say you want to stick around a little bit to lighten things up, but you shoot down the conversational gambit. No, this is not redeemable, and you should think about working out these issues with a therapist instead of attempting it on your dates.
Tell your friends to pull it together.
Making a stupid joke doesn't make him transphobic.
He's just insecure that you were able to do it and you weren't. So he wants to thank you but can't but knows he should hence the statement about appreciating it later. I wouldn't react too much to it but if the insecurities keep showing up you might want to rethink the relationship.
I’ve put boundaries in place. I had counselling myself and done a lot of work on me to increase my feelings of self worth. He’s shown positives in reconciliation by not repeating old, go to behaviours.
Excellent and totally logical answer. He may or may not be cheating on OP already. Or he may just have something going on in his head that relates to OP having become a mom. Either way, OP suggesting an open relationship or OP stepping outside the relationship will just open a massive can of worms. Better for OP to try relationship counseling like you suggested to try to figure out what is going on with her fiancé. The answer may be to break up and then become a single mom who can then look for a man that will give her the type of relationship that she wants longterm.
The vast majority of men who would engage OP in an open relationship will be there for sex, no emotional support, no caring for her if she gets seriously ill. Unfortunately for OP, her fiancé may be that type of man, there for the good times, but absent when challenges arise.
Well sorry to say but she is garbage. You will have to split 50/50 on everything joint. It is what it is. Should have left the moment she emotionally cheated
I also hate video games and guys who waste their time on it. But I just dont date gamers and what she did was rude. Just seems like incompatibility