Cousin (F24) falsely accused me (M31) of sxual assault. Now my family is contacting me after almost 10 years
5KI first posted this on 'relationships' and it got autoremoved and I got no answer when I tried to get them to check it manually.
Please note that NO ONE involved is under 18 anymore and the situation DID NOT involve sxual abuse. That's the whole point.
Hi,
I've never had an account on Reddit before, but someone on another forum linked this subreddit and I've been reading some stories. If this is the wrong subreddit, please let me know. Also english is not my first language, so bear with me.
It's pretty much like the title says. I just feel so lost on what to do. This is tearing up wounds and old rage is building again.
Let me give some backstory.
I've grew up in what was probably the most normal of normal households. Parents worked a lot, but still managed to care for me and my 3 older sisters. We were never super close as a family, but never had any issues either. Same goes for my extended family. They always lived a few hours away, but we saw each other during summer holidays or christmas and always got along great. But when we got older we naturally grew apart as everyone had their own lives.
I'm 31 now. In 2014, when I was 22 and attending Uni, I got a phone call from my mother that turned my life upside down. I remember I didn't even answer at first, because I was gaming with friends. But she called again immidiately after the first call. This was an unwritten rule in the family. If you call twice like that, it's important. Like someone died-important. So when she called again, I excused myself and answered, only to hear chaos in the other end. Like people were arguing. But when my mom realized I had answered, it sounded like she went to another room and closed the door. I just asked what was going on and I heard she was crying. My memory of this conversation is a bit blurry, but she basically asked me if I had something to confess to regarding “E”.
E is my cousin on my moms side and is 7 years younger than me, 15 at the time. At that point I hadn't even seen E for several years.
I just said no and asked what this is about. She just cried even harder and started accusing me of sxually assaulting E back when we were children. That E had told everything to my sister, and that my sister told my mother and my aunt. E had told them that back when she was 9 (and I 16), she'd been playing in my room when I came in and started feeling her under her clothes and kissing her. My mother screamed at me to say something, but I couldn't even speak. It was all so absurd. I remember thinking that must be some bad joke.
The last thing I remember saying was that it's not true and that E is lying. But then my mom goes on saying that how E gave such a detailed description of where and how. Then she kept asking something like “did you do this?! did you do this?!” and I just scream back at her “no!” each time. It all ended with my mom putting me on speaker and both my mom and dad saying that they don't want anything to do with me and never to contact them again. Two of my sisters texted me later that day, pretty much saying that I'm disgusting and then blocked me.
I know it's weird, but after that call I went to have a long shower. To this day I still don't know why I did that. After calming down, I started calling and texting everyone, even E. No one answered and the ones who hadn't blocked my number by then quickly did so. The only thing I heard back was from my father who texted me to stop contacting them and that they need to heal.
That was 9 years ago and I haven't spoken to anyone in my family since that day.
To say this f*cked me up is an understatement. I was living in a haze for weeks after that and hardly ate at all. It didn't help that this was right before I was supposed to defend my bachelors thesis and was already stressed out. Luckily my co-writer sensed something was up and saved me by controlling the conversation so that I got the easy parts. Without him I sure I would've failed. Needless to say, no one came to my graduation.
Then started the worst period of my life. I spent the first year expecting the cops to knock on my door and arresting me for sexual abuse. I didn't land any jobs, just living off my saved money. I drank a lot and did oxy. I also grew resentful and violent. The only reason I didn't hurt anyone is because no one was around. My neighbour called the cops on me once after I had smashed a glass, but I managed to convince the officers that I had just dropped it, and they went away since there were no others inside my apartment. Instead of sleeping, I spent my nights planning how I could hurt E and make sure no one ever found out. Even thinking how I could actually do the things she'd accused me of, but much worse. (I know, I'm not proud of that)
I landed my first “real” job in my field in late 2015. Only then did things start to improve. I focused all my time on my job, as it gave me something “normal” to do. Recovery was a slow process, but I drank less (sober now for 4+ years) and smiled more. I lived cheap and earned good money, so I made a point of buying myself a nice gift for my birthdays, a VR headset, a motorcycle, Lego etc. And last year I moved from my shitty apartment and bought a small house. It was an old dream of mine to have my own garage and a garden to care for. This has boosted me even more.
So my life is “OK” now. I still got problems. I've been on anti-depressants for the last few years and while they help, it's not in a happy way. They simply remove the dark thoughts and replace them with dead ones. My trust in other people is close to non-existent. I've tried dating, but only been on two dates with two different women. It's really hot to speak like a normal person when it comes down to it. And what would I tell a potential partner when she ask about my family? “Oh you know they accused me of a heinous crime and we're not talking anymore. But I didn't do it, I swear!” My field is very male dominated, so the only woman I really speak to is my therapist, who I like a lot.
If this text was difficult to follow, I apologize. I'm not good with words on the best of days, and I started rambling a bit when it all came back to me. It's already getting long so I will fast forward to my current issue.
A few days ago, I received a text from my mother. It felt unreal and I was scared to open it at first, so I just stared at the notification for hours before opening it. Yesterday, another text followed. Translated, they basically say:
Text 1:
Hi,
It's been so long since we talked. We miss you and want to know how you're doing.
Know that we love you and always will.
-Mom and dad
Text 2:
Hi,
We understand if you don't want to talk to us after what happened, but please listen.
Last month, the subject of you was brought up at a family gathering. During this, E was downplaying everything that had happened to her. It got so awkward that she finally admitted that nothing happened and that she probably just dreamt it. We were all appalled by this.
When we last spoke, we wanted to protect E and did the only thing we thought we could do. We know that's not excusing how you were treated.
What E did was wrong and we're all angry at her. We have called everyone that knew and told them the truth.
We all want to speak with you and your sisters want you to meet their families.
Please write back if you can find it in you to forgive us.
-Mom and dad
So yeah. That's my situation right now. I haven't answered, but they no doubt know I've seen it. Truth be told, I'm seething. Soo many old, shitty memories are now stirring again. I don't want to forgive them and I wouldn't trust myself to be in the same room as them right now. Part of me wants to call my family and unleash everything on them, to guilt them with everything I went through until they all hit their rock bottom. Then dedicate my life to make my cousins life as miserable as possible. The other part wants to ignore them and continue with my OK-ish life with my motorcycle and my garden to keep me company.
I don't have any friends. The only people I speak to are my coworkers, but we're not really close. I've called my therapists clinic, but they told me she's on vacation and won't be available for weeks, and I don't want anyone else than her.
So that leaves internet strangers. So please, where to go from here? Do I ignore them and continue as is? Or do I answer? And if so, what to even write? I'm pretty sure meeting them in person would be a bad idea for a forseeable future, but I'm not even sure how my life can improve from picking up those old threads. As embarrasing at it may sound, I've dreamed about the day when they apologized to be them throwing themselves to the ground and kissing my feet. Texting seems so anticlimactic now.
TL;DR
My cousin falesly accused me of sxual assaulting her when we were minors and I was disowned. Now it has been revealed that it never happened and my family is contacting me and wants to make amends. I don't know how to respond.
">
