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Your boyfriend is absolutely fucking killing me with his bullshit responses which I’ll get into. The reason it’s killing me is because I’m largely on his side, but his “logic” is so absurd that it’s easy to just side with you on that alone even if we might disagree with you. I digress.
I’m happy to hear that you’re cool with porn. My opinion on porn is that it’s generally a non-issue unless it negatively impacts your sex life. You didn’t suggest as much so I’m going to assume your sex life is fine. Now, as for Instagram (and let’s just say social media in general), I partially agree with your issue given that it’s more inherently personal, but largely don’t in context.
In saying that, it’s one thing if he engaged with these “models” (eg messaging them). That’s objectively inappropriate and unacceptable. But looking at them (and honestly even hitting the like button)?
You say porn is distinctively acting. Are these models not doing exactly that as well? Social media is for show. It’s for attention. They’re trying to generate follows and reactions to generate revenue. So what exactly then is the problem for you? Objectively attractive people exist in the world that might get us excited. Doesn’t mean we don’t find our partners attractive or that we will or want to cheat.
I’d like to know what happened in the past. I can only speculate that your exes have engaged with women on Instagram or something else inappropriate but you’ll have to let us know. Either way, the medium didn’t make them cheat. They cheated because they’re shitty people (if again, that’s what happened).
After all that, where he becomes a problem is with how he responds. First, he promised to stop. No matter how I or anyone else feels, he made a promise and he broke it. You’re absolutely entitled to be upset about that (separately, I should also be clear that ultimately your boundaries are your own so even if I might not like them, it’s not up to me). I’m going to quickly brush past the “touching vs horniness” argument because it’s honestly silly on your part. No one can control what turns them on. Let that go.
The real absurd comment is around living together. It’s just an absolute joke. It makes no sense. He’s grasping at straws. He’s just not going to get turned on by women on Instagram because you live in the same domicile. It’s a ridiculous notion. I assure you it’s still going to happen. Take a step back and think about it. His first argument is that he can’t control what excites his dick. His second argument is that living together will control what excites his dick. Nonsensical, no?
So before I give advice, can you walk me through some of this?
Not having opinions on important things is definitely a privilege rather than cluelessness or even stupidity. Let's just look at birth control for example. If you've always had the resources to get them, that it's supposed to be free isn't gonna cross your mind. Some things you can be neutral about, but in terms of politics and human rights you should really have a stance and it should be talked about in a relationship.
How OP's in-laws and husband treated the SIL and her gf was really cruel and disrespectful. Good if her husband realizes that him and his family are wrong but I kinda doubt it. Isn't it also kinda crazy that OP was there but they just went all on in on insulting the SIL fully knowing OP's brother is gay. They really just didn't care.
Your brother is getting used and but doesn't want to admit it. Support him the best you can because this will not end well for him at all.