I am worried that you think that not getting married means if you’re ever unhappy in your forties you can just leave and it will be easy. So if you have kids with your GF you want to reserve the right to just throw them all out if you feel like it? Or if you ever buy a house together and break up you’ll just keep it? What do you have in mind? Because that’s not how it works.
I'm guessing she's jealous or spiteful, but that's still kind of a red flag. Did your BF do something terrible to her, or was he drawn to the wrong kind of person?
Do you see a therapist for your OCD? If not, it might be time.
Him and his sister are the same in the fact that they both make zero effort. It’s not that she doesn’t want a relationship, they’re just not close and I feel like they’re both just ok with it.
The extended family thing goes like this: his dads extended family lives near us, his moms is scattered all over the country. His dads family never liked his mom, so when the dad died, his family that lived close never bothered with him, his mom, and his sister. Like in July they failed to inform us his grandmother was in hospice until 2 hours before her death and my husband didn’t get to say goodbye.
He claims to be seeking a therapist to talk to on his own in addition to the couples counseling.
Eyes can be bloodshot from allergies, but usually that comes with wanting to claw them out from itchiness.
The antsy? Nope. Not that I have ever seen. If he is a long time sufferer from allergies he would know how to manage them. There wouldn't be embarassment.
Pack your stuff and leave the cottage. You don't need this BS.
Also hopping on this comment as someone who was raised Christian. I was really really devout (super involved in church, went on mission trips, was homeschooled, went to a very conservative Christian college, taught in Christian school). My faith was pretty much my entire identity for most of my life (left Christianity in the last few years, but anyway). I was very very conservative about relationships. I wanted to save my first kiss for the altar, and I did. I felt like so much of my identity was wrapped up in being a virgin. I was 25 when I got married, and was pretty much the only person I knew who was still a virgin (and ugh, that is 100% a ridiculous concept, but it mattered to me back then.)
Op, you and this girl aren't compatible. Seriously. If she is this distraught that you aren't a virgin, that is only the very very tip of the iceberg. I've been married for a decade, and I am still working through trauma from growing up in purity culture. It really really messed me up. Like I had panic attacks after sex for at least 6 months after I got married, and it took a lot of help from my husband and patience to help me work through it all. He understood what I was dealing with, he had also grown up in purity culture (although it was different for guys, so he had his own types of trauma).
Anyway, I say all that to say, the issue of you being a virgin or not is absolutely not all that would come up in this relationship. There would be a LOT of other things she might not even know would be an issue. Like will she be crushed if you look at porn? (Yes, because most Christian churches teach that is the same as cheating). Will she panic when she first has sex? Will she be hurt by other things you did in previous relationships (maybe even things that were no big deal to you but are to her. Seriously, hand holding is a big deal to her! I was hurt when my SO told me he slept in the same bed as a girl once back when he was in college. That was ages before we even met. They didn't even have sex! But it was still hurtful to me because everything felt like a big deal).
It's taken me a decade to process and work through and unlearn a lot of BS that I was taught in church. I honestly feel like it was easier because my husband grew up in a similar way and could understand and help me process. I honestly feel like someone coming from the outside can never really understand what it's like. Seriously, this is a huge issue of incompatibility. Maybe if she had left the church and was unlearning this stuff things could maybe work out, but with where she is now, a relationship sounds like a terrible idea.
You don’t, you had your chance, you blew it. You only want her because she’s moved on. Let her be with someone who will know what they’ve got. Move on and consider this a very valuable lesson in life
Of course she doesn’t see the problem. Her cheating on you isn’t a problem… for her
I am worried that you think that not getting married means if you’re ever unhappy in your forties you can just leave and it will be easy. So if you have kids with your GF you want to reserve the right to just throw them all out if you feel like it? Or if you ever buy a house together and break up you’ll just keep it? What do you have in mind? Because that’s not how it works.
I'm guessing she's jealous or spiteful, but that's still kind of a red flag. Did your BF do something terrible to her, or was he drawn to the wrong kind of person?
Do you see a therapist for your OCD? If not, it might be time.
Him and his sister are the same in the fact that they both make zero effort. It’s not that she doesn’t want a relationship, they’re just not close and I feel like they’re both just ok with it.
The extended family thing goes like this: his dads extended family lives near us, his moms is scattered all over the country. His dads family never liked his mom, so when the dad died, his family that lived close never bothered with him, his mom, and his sister. Like in July they failed to inform us his grandmother was in hospice until 2 hours before her death and my husband didn’t get to say goodbye.
He claims to be seeking a therapist to talk to on his own in addition to the couples counseling.
Edit: grammar
Yep – nose runs like a faucet or gets stuffed up.
Eyes can be bloodshot from allergies, but usually that comes with wanting to claw them out from itchiness.
The antsy? Nope. Not that I have ever seen. If he is a long time sufferer from allergies he would know how to manage them. There wouldn't be embarassment.
Pack your stuff and leave the cottage. You don't need this BS.
Also hopping on this comment as someone who was raised Christian. I was really really devout (super involved in church, went on mission trips, was homeschooled, went to a very conservative Christian college, taught in Christian school). My faith was pretty much my entire identity for most of my life (left Christianity in the last few years, but anyway). I was very very conservative about relationships. I wanted to save my first kiss for the altar, and I did. I felt like so much of my identity was wrapped up in being a virgin. I was 25 when I got married, and was pretty much the only person I knew who was still a virgin (and ugh, that is 100% a ridiculous concept, but it mattered to me back then.)
Op, you and this girl aren't compatible. Seriously. If she is this distraught that you aren't a virgin, that is only the very very tip of the iceberg. I've been married for a decade, and I am still working through trauma from growing up in purity culture. It really really messed me up. Like I had panic attacks after sex for at least 6 months after I got married, and it took a lot of help from my husband and patience to help me work through it all. He understood what I was dealing with, he had also grown up in purity culture (although it was different for guys, so he had his own types of trauma).
Anyway, I say all that to say, the issue of you being a virgin or not is absolutely not all that would come up in this relationship. There would be a LOT of other things she might not even know would be an issue. Like will she be crushed if you look at porn? (Yes, because most Christian churches teach that is the same as cheating). Will she panic when she first has sex? Will she be hurt by other things you did in previous relationships (maybe even things that were no big deal to you but are to her. Seriously, hand holding is a big deal to her! I was hurt when my SO told me he slept in the same bed as a girl once back when he was in college. That was ages before we even met. They didn't even have sex! But it was still hurtful to me because everything felt like a big deal).
It's taken me a decade to process and work through and unlearn a lot of BS that I was taught in church. I honestly feel like it was easier because my husband grew up in a similar way and could understand and help me process. I honestly feel like someone coming from the outside can never really understand what it's like. Seriously, this is a huge issue of incompatibility. Maybe if she had left the church and was unlearning this stuff things could maybe work out, but with where she is now, a relationship sounds like a terrible idea.
You don’t, you had your chance, you blew it. You only want her because she’s moved on. Let her be with someone who will know what they’ve got. Move on and consider this a very valuable lesson in life
Wym