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Derrick 50 and Brittany 48, 49 y.o.
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You did not unintentionally gaslight him. You were both thrown into the deep end of complex medical issues and did not have the tools to navigate the situation you found yourselves in – and didnât even have the toolkit to ask for support.
In my social circle, I act as a sort of on-call advocate because I have a life time of experience of complex medical issues with doctors providing incomplete care and over a decadeâs experience working in social work and client advocacy and patient education. Itâs incredibly complex even if you have professional training in it. When it comes to my own health, because itâs so complex, the hospital system I use just permanently assigned me a patient advocate so I get to make a single phone call because even I cannot do this stuff for myself by myself.
I think you owe your husband a pretty big apology. Youâve been berating him for being disabled and accused him of weaponized incompetence and disrespecting you because there is something physically wrong with his brain.
I would also suggest coupleâs counseling. Not because what you did is unforgivable but because aspects of his behavior may not change. It may be that much of the behavior can be managed, but when he has a flare up or a change in condition, you will have to live! with a return of it until he can be seen by a specialist – and, even as an established patient, depending on the specialist, that can be a wait of six or more months. It may be that the behaviors get worse while trying to figure out a treatment plan that works.
I would also suggest that your husband try to get individual counseling and find a support group or two for his specific diagnoses. I do not share his diagnoses but I have a fucked up brain too. It was truly life changing when I finally met other people with my unusual diagnoses and not just because I no longer felt alone – they were able to give me practical advice and life tips that medical professionals didnât have and able bodied people would never know.
And make sure you take advantage of caregiver support available in your area. You are a caregiver-spouse now and that does look different than a marriage between able bodied people. I was a caregiver to my late fiancé and although we made it work, I needed to be able to get support for my role as his caregiver. Caregiver support can take the form of formal programs through a hospital system, his insurance, your employer, or a community program. Area Agencies on Aging, in the US, often provider services to disabled community members. It can also mean taking breaks yourself and spending time on your hobbies and with your friends.
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Also to anyone reading this, and OP, take this as a cautionary tale. Erratic changes in behavior can sometimes be the primary symptom of a very serious issue.
When my fiancé started behaving erratically and antagonistically with me and seemed to not fully understand me, I wrestled him into the car to go to the hospital (he had a foot on me, so that was fun). By the time we were at the ER, he was in organ failure. He lived another year and a half because I dragged him to the hospital.
Ann should mind her own business and look at her own relationship âïž?
I have a very strong sensitive nose too, I don't kiss morning breath either. Tell him to put by the bed some breath strips/breath drops if he wants an early morning kiss
too much bullshit man. don't go chasing after someone. let the love come to you and don't force it, the universe works in strange ways and will work out for you i promise. just gotta dodge these kind of people in the meantime. stay true to you and follow your heart
Oh hun, I'm sorry you are dealing with so much shitty family. Odds are that him hitting her has nothing to do with you.
Life as you get older and children especially can be extremely stressful for even decent people. Let alone a POS with bad impulse control.
Honestly I think you should see a therapist. The way your family is treating you makes me think that your family dynamic is probably more abusive (at least emotionally) than you realize. But you don't see it because its your normal. While it very likely you miss red flags with your ex, you are also dismissing all the ones your family is sending you.
You term passionate hugging is bizarre. Do you have a hot time even talking about sex?
Are you sure you actually want different things? While the two things you mention are different, they could be on the same side of the coin if you research where to live!.
Just because he wants to be where he can hike and fish, doesnât mean there canât be a support system.
Of course not.