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I think him going to individual therapy and you going as a couple would be helpful. I hope that can happen for you. You sound like a really wonderful person. I also have lived a very “alternative “ type of lifestyle and a lot of your story sounds familiar to me.
That’s a huge red flag. She just basically told you that she’s used to toxic behavior and emotional rollercoasters from her past relationships. Being with someone whose stable will feel “boring” because a lot of people are used to extreme stress and when that’s not happening, they think something is wrong or that there’s “no spark”. But these are false narratives. OP there’s nothing wrong with you, what she said to you is mean and uncalled for. It’s up to you if you want to continue something like this because like others have said in this sub, it sounds like verbal abuse.
I never really knew this person at all, I supported her so much through her anxiety, depression, fixing things, cooking for her i honestly thought she was my soul mate. What’s killed me is her lying. Not the fact she doesn’t want me
Yes I bring it up and try to talk about it but she kind of likes to just brush it off. Example this morning I wake up at 5:20 am and blood is flowing and I’m aroused so I try to initiate with her and she gets grumpy and pushes me off 2 or 3 times. So of course I got a little upset rolled over and said I guess I’ll just please myself, I didn’t but i got up and started getting ready for work so she says come back to bed. And then she tries to initiate but at this point I’m turned off from being shoved away a few times so I’m no longer turned on. Other things have changed as well like when I touch her breasts or try to play with her nipples she now tells me she doesn’t like it and just never said anything before
Not worried about it if it doesn’t we’ll survive but still won’t hold a grudge like you do that will hinder me ever connecting with another person again. I mean this part actually nicely, I think you should speak to someone so you can move on from your past because your outlook is truly sad and likely hindering your life. You don’t agree with anything I say and now I honestly feel bad. You need to learn to trust again, pessimism is great but not fulfilling. so put fighting with you aside I hope you can find a way to move beyond your thoughts and beliefs and find happiness
Depending on where you take things, if you commit to her you commit to her family. Maybe not all in but if she has relations you will never get away with having no relationship. That does t support her and is unrealistic. And there you have it. You have a choice.
Did I say we owe each other anything? Also I never said I wasn’t comfortable with the arrangement. What are you reading?
Great post…I'm glad you are finally happy. Best of luck
He knows how she feels. He doesn't care.
It's not even about the kink reall – I mean yeah that's not ideal, but he's not asking you to get involved or anything and obviously he's ashamed of it – it's about the way he spoke to you. Saying he's never been happy with your sex life and then comparing you to his ex??? That would be it for me personally. Not even mentioning the ultimatum. Idk I'm someone who thinks you should never talk about leaving or divorce unless you really mean it.
You guys need to cool down and have another conversation.
Yeah this seems harmful to you all around, and he seems like he's really not even a friend.
Then leave if you're that mad about it. You're already having issues with money and you're not even married yet. That is not a good sign.
Staying and holding a grudge about it will destroy the relationship.
Maybe ask like “Hey I wanted to talk to you about something. I noticed [state what you noticed] and wanted to understand if what I noticed is how you've been feeling.”
Fair enough just letting you know