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Can you take some space to clear your head? Go stay with a family member not in the neighborhood? Or check into a hotel? I can't imagine being ok at home right now.
Seek counsel outside the church. Is there someone you admire and trust to confide in?
Also, consulting with a lawyer (who is NOT part of the church) is not the same as hiring a lawyer. Find out where you stand. Do you want custody of the kids? You are, after all, their dad in all respects but one.
He’s just not used to showing love. I’m sure he loves you. Give it some time.
You can't relate to his life, in his opinion and quite frankly mine. He can find you hard and lovely, but it doesn't mean he would like the relationship dynamics between you if you dated, or feeling insecure/misunderstood. Be his friend and don't overthink it