Op, I’m a man and I’m telling you to please run away from this guy as fast as you can. He doesn’t care about you and this is absolutely no excuse to seek sex outside your relationship. He is manipulating you in absolutely terrible ways. You should not be having sex if it hurts and he should not coerce you into it because that is a type of sexual assault. There will be many other men that will be kind and compassionate to you. Please find the self respect and self love to leave him.
OHH yeah that's exactly the situation but I certainly don't want a long term relationship, which he is aware of. It seems like he's fine with it as well, which makes this anxiety so much more confusing.
I'm going to cut you a lot of slack here because you're not going to get a lot of sympathy for this one.
You don't mention how long you have been dating or how serious the relationship is but I have been married for 30 years and my husband would be displeased if I cut my hair short. He has told me as much. He has not made any demands and I am not inclined to but my hair. He is a wonderful husband, he wants me to be happy, he does not interfere with my personal choices… but he does not like short hair.
So I don't think you're a monster for disliking an extremely short hair cut. However, you have a decision to make. Do you care about her enough to overlook the hairdo? Or are you unable to keep your opinion to yourself and reassure her that you like her new cut?
I just found out he does have a Reddit. And he was last active on it two months ago. really hoping he doesn't find out about my reddit. He has a whole post on there talking about how he's been dreaming about giving one of his guy friends a BJ and I remember when we were dating he talked wanting to do it in the future, All while wanting to marry me in the future as well. so I now know he was definitely going to cheat on me. I'm not into that Polly s*** and I'm not okay with someone im dating having a homosexual relationship on the side.
Sure. Struggling to narrow it down/sum it up and try to give enough information that also notes his perspective.
Accusation: I am intentionally and diabolically being loud to mess up a movie him and our kids are watching. Reality: This is not at all the kind of mother or wife that he knows me to be. I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner, my mind was busy on something else, and I was rolling up his chip bag (loud) when he said this. It truly wasn’t courteous of me at all and I didn’t even realize. But it couldn’t be cleared up or remedied that I was simply stupidly oblivious, oops, and that I could do the kitchen after the movie instead. To my shock and confusion, he still kept insisting and stating over and over as factual that I was clearly making this noise on purpose to wreck their movie. The movie is interrupted at this point while the kids sit there hearing this be repeated by him as absolute fact.
Accusation: I never want to have people over, he isn’t allowed to have people over, and anytime he tries I can’t handle it. Reality: We just together invited two couples over last weekend. We’ve had people over many times including recently. Last night, he suddenly at 5pm invited our friends, a family of 5 people, to come stay overnight a few nights because it’s going to rain this week and they could miss work. He hadn’t even mentioned this to me before making this phone call and extending this invitation, and it was already 5pm when this was suddenly happening. From his POV he said he saw our house was clean and thought it would be fine, but I did try to adjust this plan with him right away. The dinner I was making wouldn’t come close to being enough for both our families, it was Xmas day so takeout in our small town wasn’t an option to feed everyone, and it would be impossible to have spare bedding for 5 people laundered in time (we have a teeny apartment sized washer/dryer). I did want to still have plans with this family, so I said what about if they come tomorrow instead? He decided that no, he didn’t want to plan anything with me for them coming anymore because of the above accusation. Which didn’t match up to reality or my disposition at all.
Accusation: I never let him relax, or give him a break, I always make him go play outside with the kids or make him do things he doesn’t want to do. Reality: There WAS truth to this and I did need to make adjustments to my thinking. On the weekends after a full week of working very hot, he would come home ready to just do nothing. Meanwhile, the kids were dying to have time with him, and there would be things that needed his attention. So I would see him laying on his phone all day and Id be frustrated suggesting we go do something all together or he spend time with the kids. Or that the dresser drawer was still broken, or the gate needed fixed, things like that that I would bug him about. We both had lots of frustration from this, but eventually he actually talked to me about it and explained his perspective on the situation. And I realized I needed to make adjustments in how I addressed all those things. It was essentially resolved at that point, I finally understood him. With that came a natural mindset change, and the frustration melted away. I did make changes and stop having a list of weekend expectations for him, started paying attention more to all that he does already do each week that were going unnoticed by me, and gained an appreciation for the down-time he physically and mentally did truly need. We found our balance with it. And it seemed to be a non-issue anymore long-term, we understood each other in both directions, and there was a newfound respect for each others perspectives and needs.
…Here’s the issue. Probably a year or so after this was resolved and no longer happening, he brought it up accusing me of this again as if it was not only current which was confusing enough, but also constant. This scenario was completely unrelated to the topic at hand that day and felt very random. For many months, my reaction to seeing him getting needed downtime would be love and support…maybe making him breakfast, telling the kids to let him rest and he’d be out in a bit to hang out, etc. Long-term at that point, I had been placing genuine value on that downtime for him and I was able to find ways to support. But suddenly it was a confusing rewind as if this was never resolved and that I was being this person to him still “all the time” and never giving him a break. It floored me and nothing I pointed out to him about current events would change his mind or convince him otherwise. I was back in that box again.
Accusation: In scenarios like these, any of my attempts to clear something up are me lying to him, and trying to manipulate him. Reality: This is I think where the impenetrable wall comes in where what he’s decided will not change and is absolute fact in his mind regardless of any evidence he has before him that proves otherwise. Honesty is very important to me even in the little things. He’s known me for 13 years to not be a liar. Nothing has occurred for me to even lose that trust. I don’t even know how I can prove to him otherwise when I already am just not someone who lies or even exaggerates. This is something that very specifically is opposite to who I am as a person. In terms of manipulation, I don’t even feel capable of manipulating him. That isn’t how my brain even works. I wouldn’t even want any actions of his to be coming from me manipulating him. I would hate that, it would make things not feel genuine or real.
These beliefs that seem sudden and confusing and guarded by him feel so extreme in the context of who he otherwise knows me to be day to day. I hope all of that makes sense, I’m struggling to explain it when it doesn’t make sense to me.
I can understand your concerns because of his past cheating. However, it is possible he feels extreme guilt over the accident. But if you have a hunch or vibe that something is off in all this, go with that and keep your eyes and ears open. Remember, you know your husband and babysitter while non of us know them or even know if he’s showing similar signs that he did in the past when he cheated.
So this isn’t a situationship. You’re talking to a guy. So if you’re asking for anything other than to start something up, yes you’re asking for too much. What you need to do is ask him for a decision and accept that as his final answer.
So, there is a HUGE difference in the stigma one faces from genital herpes vs oral cold sores. It’s pretty disingenuous to pretend otherwise. There have been countless first person essays written by people with genital herpes about their experiences disclosing to partners and getting dumped, shamed, made to feel disgusting. Whereas most people accept cold sores as a fact of life. This is obviously a fucked up societal issue, but it’s definitely true. So your experience cannot be compared. I actually semi-agree with you to a point – I think that gentils herpes should be disclosed, but I also understand why someone would wait until they felt more comfortable with their partner, knowing that it could cause that person to ghost them. Personally, I think that if you’re comfortable enough to drop protection, you should be more than comfortable disclosing any health issues that could be transferred to a partner, no matter how unlikely.
See and that the problem. Your vibrators lost their magical touch and that is when you seek out trash to fulfill the hole in your whatever women have. I have been guilty of it a million times and just learned to buy a new vibrator when I take the trash out. Prevents midnight “whatcha doing” texts and lonely “what if” thoughts.
Vibrators are for everyone and everyone should have at least a dozen on full charge and ready to go at any moment.
Yeah whether he is just a natural racist or unintelligent, either of those things sound like red flags.
And what were they? From most people’s experience I know they’ve never had any side effects.
Op, I’m a man and I’m telling you to please run away from this guy as fast as you can. He doesn’t care about you and this is absolutely no excuse to seek sex outside your relationship. He is manipulating you in absolutely terrible ways. You should not be having sex if it hurts and he should not coerce you into it because that is a type of sexual assault. There will be many other men that will be kind and compassionate to you. Please find the self respect and self love to leave him.
OHH yeah that's exactly the situation but I certainly don't want a long term relationship, which he is aware of. It seems like he's fine with it as well, which makes this anxiety so much more confusing.
That's great, and best of luck!
I'm going to cut you a lot of slack here because you're not going to get a lot of sympathy for this one.
You don't mention how long you have been dating or how serious the relationship is but I have been married for 30 years and my husband would be displeased if I cut my hair short. He has told me as much. He has not made any demands and I am not inclined to but my hair. He is a wonderful husband, he wants me to be happy, he does not interfere with my personal choices… but he does not like short hair.
So I don't think you're a monster for disliking an extremely short hair cut. However, you have a decision to make. Do you care about her enough to overlook the hairdo? Or are you unable to keep your opinion to yourself and reassure her that you like her new cut?
I just found out he does have a Reddit. And he was last active on it two months ago. really hoping he doesn't find out about my reddit. He has a whole post on there talking about how he's been dreaming about giving one of his guy friends a BJ and I remember when we were dating he talked wanting to do it in the future, All while wanting to marry me in the future as well. so I now know he was definitely going to cheat on me. I'm not into that Polly s*** and I'm not okay with someone im dating having a homosexual relationship on the side.
Sure. Struggling to narrow it down/sum it up and try to give enough information that also notes his perspective.
Accusation: I am intentionally and diabolically being loud to mess up a movie him and our kids are watching. Reality: This is not at all the kind of mother or wife that he knows me to be. I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner, my mind was busy on something else, and I was rolling up his chip bag (loud) when he said this. It truly wasn’t courteous of me at all and I didn’t even realize. But it couldn’t be cleared up or remedied that I was simply stupidly oblivious, oops, and that I could do the kitchen after the movie instead. To my shock and confusion, he still kept insisting and stating over and over as factual that I was clearly making this noise on purpose to wreck their movie. The movie is interrupted at this point while the kids sit there hearing this be repeated by him as absolute fact.
Accusation: I never want to have people over, he isn’t allowed to have people over, and anytime he tries I can’t handle it. Reality: We just together invited two couples over last weekend. We’ve had people over many times including recently. Last night, he suddenly at 5pm invited our friends, a family of 5 people, to come stay overnight a few nights because it’s going to rain this week and they could miss work. He hadn’t even mentioned this to me before making this phone call and extending this invitation, and it was already 5pm when this was suddenly happening. From his POV he said he saw our house was clean and thought it would be fine, but I did try to adjust this plan with him right away. The dinner I was making wouldn’t come close to being enough for both our families, it was Xmas day so takeout in our small town wasn’t an option to feed everyone, and it would be impossible to have spare bedding for 5 people laundered in time (we have a teeny apartment sized washer/dryer). I did want to still have plans with this family, so I said what about if they come tomorrow instead? He decided that no, he didn’t want to plan anything with me for them coming anymore because of the above accusation. Which didn’t match up to reality or my disposition at all.
Accusation: I never let him relax, or give him a break, I always make him go play outside with the kids or make him do things he doesn’t want to do. Reality: There WAS truth to this and I did need to make adjustments to my thinking. On the weekends after a full week of working very hot, he would come home ready to just do nothing. Meanwhile, the kids were dying to have time with him, and there would be things that needed his attention. So I would see him laying on his phone all day and Id be frustrated suggesting we go do something all together or he spend time with the kids. Or that the dresser drawer was still broken, or the gate needed fixed, things like that that I would bug him about. We both had lots of frustration from this, but eventually he actually talked to me about it and explained his perspective on the situation. And I realized I needed to make adjustments in how I addressed all those things. It was essentially resolved at that point, I finally understood him. With that came a natural mindset change, and the frustration melted away. I did make changes and stop having a list of weekend expectations for him, started paying attention more to all that he does already do each week that were going unnoticed by me, and gained an appreciation for the down-time he physically and mentally did truly need. We found our balance with it. And it seemed to be a non-issue anymore long-term, we understood each other in both directions, and there was a newfound respect for each others perspectives and needs.
…Here’s the issue. Probably a year or so after this was resolved and no longer happening, he brought it up accusing me of this again as if it was not only current which was confusing enough, but also constant. This scenario was completely unrelated to the topic at hand that day and felt very random. For many months, my reaction to seeing him getting needed downtime would be love and support…maybe making him breakfast, telling the kids to let him rest and he’d be out in a bit to hang out, etc. Long-term at that point, I had been placing genuine value on that downtime for him and I was able to find ways to support. But suddenly it was a confusing rewind as if this was never resolved and that I was being this person to him still “all the time” and never giving him a break. It floored me and nothing I pointed out to him about current events would change his mind or convince him otherwise. I was back in that box again.
Accusation: In scenarios like these, any of my attempts to clear something up are me lying to him, and trying to manipulate him. Reality: This is I think where the impenetrable wall comes in where what he’s decided will not change and is absolute fact in his mind regardless of any evidence he has before him that proves otherwise. Honesty is very important to me even in the little things. He’s known me for 13 years to not be a liar. Nothing has occurred for me to even lose that trust. I don’t even know how I can prove to him otherwise when I already am just not someone who lies or even exaggerates. This is something that very specifically is opposite to who I am as a person. In terms of manipulation, I don’t even feel capable of manipulating him. That isn’t how my brain even works. I wouldn’t even want any actions of his to be coming from me manipulating him. I would hate that, it would make things not feel genuine or real.
These beliefs that seem sudden and confusing and guarded by him feel so extreme in the context of who he otherwise knows me to be day to day. I hope all of that makes sense, I’m struggling to explain it when it doesn’t make sense to me.
I can understand your concerns because of his past cheating. However, it is possible he feels extreme guilt over the accident. But if you have a hunch or vibe that something is off in all this, go with that and keep your eyes and ears open. Remember, you know your husband and babysitter while non of us know them or even know if he’s showing similar signs that he did in the past when he cheated.
You can break up with some for any reason, including that you just feel like it. But you gave a very valid reason right here.
This specific guy is gay, but her other friends she plans to aren't. I see your point.
So this isn’t a situationship. You’re talking to a guy. So if you’re asking for anything other than to start something up, yes you’re asking for too much. What you need to do is ask him for a decision and accept that as his final answer.
Give her time and space and if she really loves you she'll come back and apologize but be prepared for a possible breakup.
So, there is a HUGE difference in the stigma one faces from genital herpes vs oral cold sores. It’s pretty disingenuous to pretend otherwise. There have been countless first person essays written by people with genital herpes about their experiences disclosing to partners and getting dumped, shamed, made to feel disgusting. Whereas most people accept cold sores as a fact of life. This is obviously a fucked up societal issue, but it’s definitely true. So your experience cannot be compared. I actually semi-agree with you to a point – I think that gentils herpes should be disclosed, but I also understand why someone would wait until they felt more comfortable with their partner, knowing that it could cause that person to ghost them. Personally, I think that if you’re comfortable enough to drop protection, you should be more than comfortable disclosing any health issues that could be transferred to a partner, no matter how unlikely.
See and that the problem. Your vibrators lost their magical touch and that is when you seek out trash to fulfill the hole in your whatever women have. I have been guilty of it a million times and just learned to buy a new vibrator when I take the trash out. Prevents midnight “whatcha doing” texts and lonely “what if” thoughts.
Vibrators are for everyone and everyone should have at least a dozen on full charge and ready to go at any moment.