Lady, I couldnāt begin to list all the red flags here and it would be pointless because you see them, too. The only real take away is that youāre on a whole other level from this man, and the truth is that you probably always were. He wanted the weaker version of you who would take care of him and heād never have to worry that youād leave because he assumed your self-esteem was too low. Now itās clear he was wrong.
You love him, sure, but in your heart of hearts you donāt respect him and you can hope all you want that heāll also level up to meet you, but nothing here is showing any indication of that. If anything, he clearly wants to sabotage you and tear you down. So you can stay and be miserable and disrespected by this insecure person who attacks you for having the strength to grow, or you can love yourself enough to move on.
When you see it clearly, itās really not even a decision.
Lady, I couldnāt begin to list all the red flags here and it would be pointless because you see them, too. The only real take away is that youāre on a whole other level from this man, and the truth is that you probably always were. He wanted the weaker version of you who would take care of him and heād never have to worry that youād leave because he assumed your self-esteem was too low. Now itās clear he was wrong.
You love him, sure, but in your heart of hearts you donāt respect him and you can hope all you want that heāll also level up to meet you, but nothing here is showing any indication of that. If anything, he clearly wants to sabotage you and tear you down. So you can stay and be miserable and disrespected by this insecure person who attacks you for having the strength to grow, or you can love yourself enough to move on.
When you see it clearly, itās really not even a decision.
And like so often… he went ofter a 22 (or 21)y/o when he was 33. He searched someone who is so naive and unexperienced. She needs to break up and then go to therapy. He damaged her so much, “trained” her to see this behaviour as normal and this must be undone.
I dunno, we donāt have her side of this. Except she says she canāt because she was already sick before, which sounds like her job would be at stake. Not to mention you guys arenāt married, sheās a GF, so the āin sickness and healthā stuff is optional, if you said we intend to stay together forever then ok but otherwise its a real lot to ask that she risk her job for this trip that will be nothing but work for her. Can you support her if she loses her job? Have you talked about that?
Also what sort of operation is this? One foot or both? If one foot you will have crutches and be Ok to go alone. Its a one day trip. Its not even an overnighter where she would have to get you food or help you shower or anything. Just man up and go get yourself fixed.
Major ICK. Thatās a lot of money to loan. Sometimes money can cause a strain on any relationship. Especially if itās expected to get back in return and not just given out all nilly willy. Some may loan ? out of the kindness of their own heart. But you did hoping heād pay you back. Best advice it to communicate to him how he āagreedā to pay you at the end of the month. And that heās going against his word. You have to bring it up to him or else thereās no likelihood youāll be seeing any of that money back.
This āreacting out of angerā is going to get you arrested, hopefully in the not too distant future.
Grown ups donāt hit. A punch, a slap, a jab, a shove, and all the other physical stuff that isnāt mutually consented play is Not Okay with strangers or people you know. Itās especially toxic in the framework of an intimate relationship, like with a boyfriend.
Big children donāt hit. We tell 3 year olds not to hit. There is no emotional justification for a ābigā or a āsmallā slap, whatever that means.
Itās also totally stupid and gross that you got angry and laid hands on your boyfriend because he was fulfilling a commitment to his grandmother. Do you hear yourself? Take the slapping away, if you are this co-dependent or controlling this quickly, you shouldnāt be with anyone. You should be untangling your issues.
Why not have him use a strap on or a toy on you instead till he feels more comfortable. Especially since abortion isn't accessible in your country & he doesn't want to raise a child right now. Check out /r/sex
But you've clearly never followed through and actually planned a trip with him and gone together. Why not? Are you expecting him to do so, while you begrudgingly attend the “compromise” trip you're clearly resentful to have been dragged on?
If you're genuinely willing to reduce your solo trips to every other month, why don't you make the very obvious compromise of inviting him on your trips 6x/year and going on the trips solo 6x/year? Why are you so against the idea of letting him come with you? The fact that you insist on him planning different trips rather than joining you glamping even a single time in 2 years probably comes off to your boyfriend as if you think he's so horrible that he would completely ruin your “happy place” and you can't let him ruin it by joining you even once.
Honestly, the fact that you even consider it a huge compromise that you agreed to call your boyfriend for a few minutes before bed and that you finally agreed to go on trips with your boyfriend once in a while after many fights is a huge glaring red flag to me. It shows that something is either wrong in your relationship such that you're not really happy with him and need very regular alone time away from him in order to be happy, or you're just not compatible at all. Actually, either way, you're not compatible at all.
Most happy couples who enjoy traveling or getting away for the weekend, which you clearly do, would love to travel with their partner some weekends if they could. Viewing this as a huge compromise on your end is bonkers to me.
Stop being dramatic. Heās not going to walk out on his family over something so stupid. If you think that is āmaking something of his lifeā then thatās absurd.
Passion is generally a short-term thing. If this girl is someone you enjoy and truly care for, than don't tell her that you're having doubts about her. You might want to give it more time and analyze if she's someone you would enjoy spending time with years from now.
Your dad's dating life is none of your boyfriend's business. Get over yourself.
Lady, I couldnāt begin to list all the red flags here and it would be pointless because you see them, too. The only real take away is that youāre on a whole other level from this man, and the truth is that you probably always were. He wanted the weaker version of you who would take care of him and heād never have to worry that youād leave because he assumed your self-esteem was too low. Now itās clear he was wrong.
You love him, sure, but in your heart of hearts you donāt respect him and you can hope all you want that heāll also level up to meet you, but nothing here is showing any indication of that. If anything, he clearly wants to sabotage you and tear you down. So you can stay and be miserable and disrespected by this insecure person who attacks you for having the strength to grow, or you can love yourself enough to move on.
When you see it clearly, itās really not even a decision.
Lady, I couldnāt begin to list all the red flags here and it would be pointless because you see them, too. The only real take away is that youāre on a whole other level from this man, and the truth is that you probably always were. He wanted the weaker version of you who would take care of him and heād never have to worry that youād leave because he assumed your self-esteem was too low. Now itās clear he was wrong.
You love him, sure, but in your heart of hearts you donāt respect him and you can hope all you want that heāll also level up to meet you, but nothing here is showing any indication of that. If anything, he clearly wants to sabotage you and tear you down. So you can stay and be miserable and disrespected by this insecure person who attacks you for having the strength to grow, or you can love yourself enough to move on.
When you see it clearly, itās really not even a decision.
And like so often… he went ofter a 22 (or 21)y/o when he was 33. He searched someone who is so naive and unexperienced. She needs to break up and then go to therapy. He damaged her so much, “trained” her to see this behaviour as normal and this must be undone.
We haven't been doing so well in our relationship and been fighting…
We've been dating for a year now but are only exclusive for about 3 month now, after he insisted on being monotonous..
Freudian slip…?
I dunno, we donāt have her side of this. Except she says she canāt because she was already sick before, which sounds like her job would be at stake. Not to mention you guys arenāt married, sheās a GF, so the āin sickness and healthā stuff is optional, if you said we intend to stay together forever then ok but otherwise its a real lot to ask that she risk her job for this trip that will be nothing but work for her. Can you support her if she loses her job? Have you talked about that?
Also what sort of operation is this? One foot or both? If one foot you will have crutches and be Ok to go alone. Its a one day trip. Its not even an overnighter where she would have to get you food or help you shower or anything. Just man up and go get yourself fixed.
That's past red flag
Itās always the ones who donāt have money that make comments such as āyouāre overly worried about moneyā¦ā. ?
Major ICK. Thatās a lot of money to loan. Sometimes money can cause a strain on any relationship. Especially if itās expected to get back in return and not just given out all nilly willy. Some may loan ? out of the kindness of their own heart. But you did hoping heād pay you back. Best advice it to communicate to him how he āagreedā to pay you at the end of the month. And that heās going against his word. You have to bring it up to him or else thereās no likelihood youāll be seeing any of that money back.
This guy knows his stuff
This āreacting out of angerā is going to get you arrested, hopefully in the not too distant future.
Grown ups donāt hit. A punch, a slap, a jab, a shove, and all the other physical stuff that isnāt mutually consented play is Not Okay with strangers or people you know. Itās especially toxic in the framework of an intimate relationship, like with a boyfriend.
Big children donāt hit. We tell 3 year olds not to hit. There is no emotional justification for a ābigā or a āsmallā slap, whatever that means.
Itās also totally stupid and gross that you got angry and laid hands on your boyfriend because he was fulfilling a commitment to his grandmother. Do you hear yourself? Take the slapping away, if you are this co-dependent or controlling this quickly, you shouldnāt be with anyone. You should be untangling your issues.
Maybe because physical attraction is a big part of relationships?
I don't think she loves you the way you should be loved
Why not have him use a strap on or a toy on you instead till he feels more comfortable. Especially since abortion isn't accessible in your country & he doesn't want to raise a child right now. Check out /r/sex
very little help? did they offer options? did you ask for any?
But you've clearly never followed through and actually planned a trip with him and gone together. Why not? Are you expecting him to do so, while you begrudgingly attend the “compromise” trip you're clearly resentful to have been dragged on?
If you're genuinely willing to reduce your solo trips to every other month, why don't you make the very obvious compromise of inviting him on your trips 6x/year and going on the trips solo 6x/year? Why are you so against the idea of letting him come with you? The fact that you insist on him planning different trips rather than joining you glamping even a single time in 2 years probably comes off to your boyfriend as if you think he's so horrible that he would completely ruin your “happy place” and you can't let him ruin it by joining you even once.
Honestly, the fact that you even consider it a huge compromise that you agreed to call your boyfriend for a few minutes before bed and that you finally agreed to go on trips with your boyfriend once in a while after many fights is a huge glaring red flag to me. It shows that something is either wrong in your relationship such that you're not really happy with him and need very regular alone time away from him in order to be happy, or you're just not compatible at all. Actually, either way, you're not compatible at all.
Most happy couples who enjoy traveling or getting away for the weekend, which you clearly do, would love to travel with their partner some weekends if they could. Viewing this as a huge compromise on your end is bonkers to me.
Maāam, you know better.
Youāre welcome. I truly donāt understand the crap youāre getting for daring to still have a place in your heart for your husband. ??āāļø
Stop being dramatic. Heās not going to walk out on his family over something so stupid. If you think that is āmaking something of his lifeā then thatās absurd.
Passion is generally a short-term thing. If this girl is someone you enjoy and truly care for, than don't tell her that you're having doubts about her. You might want to give it more time and analyze if she's someone you would enjoy spending time with years from now.