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Anytime a person drinks and doesn't know their limit, it's a problem. If a person drinks until they have blackouts, can't form a sentence is incoherent then they need A.A. immediately.
You're not a victim here, stop acting like it
Well, at this point, he's having at least an emotional affair. He's going out with her every Saturday night? Like a date night? Where is it just daytime things when he should be with you? You say you don't think she knows he's even married. Yeah, you need to meet her. He needs to level with her. She's vulnerable, and right now, she's probably at this point developed feelings for your husband. Either he's really enjoying the attention, or is there something lacking in your marriage that he finds with her. So you definitely need some couples counseling for sure, and he needs to stop babying and coddling this woman.
Then you two need to talk about this. It seems weird that he would wait 3 years and then pressure you when you are engaged and about to get married unless he is having reservations about what your married life will be if you are not sexually compatible.
He was using you for your car and didn’t think you’d have the nerves to call the police. Dump him.
Deciding that she and she alone has the right to decide their children's future is very entitled
The most important thing to have in mind before risking a friendship to make a pass at a pal is that once those words are uttered the friendship is over. In some cases it becomes a dating relationship. In the majority it just means the other person will never feel comfortable around you ever again. So maybe take some time to at least let her get over this breakup. It also sounds like she never really took the time alone to fully work through a proper amount of greed counseling following her husband's death. Just don't rush it, and unless you're willing to lose the friendship don't do it at all.
You're allowed to end a relationship that isn't working for you. It's unclear what “insight” you need when (to you at least) it seems pretty obvious that this guy just isn't as into this relationship as you are.
Wouldn’t be surprised if he just got someone pregnant and is trying to cover it up. Or he’s having a weird mental breakdown and giving sperm was something he thought was more important than anything. Either way he did this behind your back!