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You’re selfishly deciding you’re going to enter a relationship based on a lie. I hope you don’t ever expect your partner to be vulnerable or honest with you since you won’t be with them. Work on yourself first before you get into a relationship before you make someone else miserable in one.
There really isn't a solution to this. My mother recently moved in so she sees our children more than my husband's mother. She lives with my sister-in-law and her children. You can talk with him and comfort him. Give him more alone time with baby and offer for him to take baby more often to his moms while you have alone time. Even when you move into your own apartment someone's parents will be visiting more often, or online closer, or babysit more. There isn't a perfect balance, but as long as both grandparents feel welcome in the child's life you're doing the best you can.
Also just try reaching out to his mother more, without him. Call to talk about baby, or video chat so she can see baby. Just so you can show her you are open to/want them to have a good relationship.
Call his family and tell them you are breaking up with him and he has threatened self harm. Makes plan so they can take care of him after you leave. Definitely leave
My ex wife was the same way. She had a migraine issue, but was always able to go out and do stuff, albeit not to the extent other people could. After we got married, the pain suddenly was out of control and she couldn't manage to do anything. She did a few chores around the house, but that was about it. One year she had 7 different jobs because she said she couldn't handle it or someone had it out for her. Like you, I took the brunt of her dumping her stress and problems. It was exhausting. I looked 10 years older than I was. My final straw wasn't health related, but it sounds like you're very close to what I went through. One thing that I thought was interesting was that she was magically able to manage her pain and hold a job once she became single again. Anyways, you need to lay out clear expectations for what you need in a healthy relationship. Probably best to work through a couples counselor. Also, don't put on a brave face and minimize your pain and suffering. Say exactly how you feel and how all of these circumstances are negatively affecting you. Ultimately, if you're just over it then find a lawyer. It sounds like you've done enough already, but I totally understand making sure you've done literally everything you can to make a marriage work.
YTA, and worse, a bad friend.
Dump the boyfriend. He will only cheat on you again and you don’t need this drama.
Wow I can't imagine spending my 20s being married to a middle aged man. Especially early 20s when you're meant to have fun & on-line life.