How do I (18F) breakup a longterm relationship with someone who has abandonment issues (21M)?
5KAlright, it's a little more complicated than what the title says, so I think it's best if I give a little context beforehand. In reality the title should read something more along the lines of “how do I breakup a longterm relationship with someone who, regardless if we're dating or not, I consider my best friend, and who shares countless mutual friends with me – who also happens to have severe abandonment issues and anger issues, while somehow salvaging that friendship.” Strap in, because I might have to lay out three and a half years of context to describe the full picture here.
Before we started dating, my current partner and I were incredibly close friends. I mean- SUPER close. We told each other everything, we were apart of the same friend group, we trusted each other super deeply. All the boxes of a best friend. It was during this stage of our relationship that I learned a lot about their past relationships, having developed deep abandonment issues and reacting incredibly poorly to being ignored or broken up with by people they care about. In the past, they'd cut these people out of their life entirely to maintain some sort of control over the scenario. Even when they felt their friends were drifting from them, they'd cut them out first so they could stop being friends with the other person before that person could stop being friends with them.
Regardless, they would go on to become my first real longterm partner. They'd developed a crush on me, asked me out, I'd said yes. But our first little problem arises quite quickly, as we started dating when I was 15 and they were 18. It was fine, really, nothing predatory, nothing creepy, they're ace even. At the time, our values and directions in life lined up really well. But then comes the next complication – they moved, and we quickly became long distance. This was also fine, we dated for a while, but for me it's almost felt more like…we're just best best friends? We'll say we love each other, and we do! I know we do, dearly, but it's never really felt romantic to me. But I was, of course, 15 when this all started. I didn't particularly know any better, and thought this was how things went. So, we've been dating for years almost exclusively long distance.
Cut back to present day. Quarantine hit my partner during their last year of high school, as a result they decided not to go to college and instead have isolated a lot for that time. They've always told me they felt a little emotionally stunted as a result, and have mostly resolved to, well, stay at home and not really continue to grow or pursue much else in their life at the current moment. They're really smart, but they also struggle a lot with mental health and though they've gone through periods where they've gotten better they've mostly settled on being just as negative and angry as they were when we started dating. Really angry sometimes. I grew up with rather angry parents and am used to regulating people (unfortunately), so it's not often I set them off- but for example in one of their rants to me, I accidentally made a remark, in good intention, that they interpreted as condescending. They proceeded to tell me off for it, disappeared for three hours only to return saying that they were keeping themselves from blowing up at me and saying mean things to me. On the other hand, I grew into a much better, and completely different person. That's what going from 15 to 18 does to you. I discovered my passions, what I wanted to do in life, I grew into a much better person, and, though I'd originally massively struggled with mental health growing up I've almost completely recovered. On top of this, I'm going off to college to study something I love.
In other words, I don't really think we share a lot of the same values in life anymore and I think our directions in life are totally different. Since I'm going off to college, I really want to explore more in my relationships! I never really got to chance to, after all. I want to date people in person, I want to try dating different types of people, I don't want to date someone I'm afraid I'll set off by saying the wrong thing, I don't want to date an angry person. I want to date someone who wants to continue to grow with me instead of giving up and choosing to see the worst in the world when I spent so much time working towards a positive and bright mindset myself. But I still love my partner, platonically that is. They're my best friend in the world, romantic or not. I don't know what I would've done without them. I trust them more than anyone else. We also share so, so, so many friends. A ridiculous amount of friends.
I'm so scared about what will happen if I break up with them, I don't even know where to start. I don't want to hurt them but I know it's gonna hurt really bad for both of us. I don't want to lose them in my life, I don't know what I'd do without them. We've been dating for three years, but I've known them for upwards of five. I'm terrified that they're going to blow up at me, and cut me out of their life like they have other people in the past. I'm terrified that it's going to complicate things in the rest of our friend group, and that in breaking up I'll not only lose them but a lot of my other friends too. But I know I need to before I go to college, this isn't fair to either of us. I'm completely lost, I've never had to do this before.
Tl: dr – I feel trapped in a relationship with a very angry person that I love very much in a platonic sense, I understand that I need to break up with them but I'm terrified that I'll loose them and a lot of my friends in the process, which would be absolutely devastating.
Please excuse the length of the post, I'm really hoping someone might be able to help me here or have some kind of direction or advice. If you've gotten this far, I am genuinely incredibly grateful you've taken the time to read through all of this.
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