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This is honestly the only way forward that isnt just folding.
Half measures in either direction are just disrespect to your partner, or disrespect to yourself.
I apologise for being very blunt too (and getting the jealousy thing wrong). My 2c:
The husbands behaviour is WEIRD and CREEPY AF. A lot of people get jealous and insecure, but listening to you have sex, hanging around your door and coming into your bedroom whilst you were showering?? ****ing hell.
The husband is not just not handling his raging issues, but he's indulging in them without any displaying evidence that he is trying to handle himself for the better. And where is this going to end? Are you gonna wake up one night to find him watching over you, and that he's started escalating things to the next level, like trashing or stealing your things out of spite, trying to sabotague your reputation or physically harm you, etc? Where do you draw the line in all this and say “Enough is enough”? Having to buy motion sensors etc, is a pretty extreme situation (it's no life at all). I think if you one day leave this relationship, you're gonna look back and only think more & more about how crazy this whole situation was.
The husbands issues aren't going to go away very easily (if potentially at all). I honestly wonder whether he's cut out to be in a poly relationship at all (and why he agreed to it). I know the guy sleeps with a lot of other people too, but this doesn't necessarily make him a genuinely poly or suited to poly relationships.
The wife and husband really aren't communicating about these problems. Far from it, it sounds like your GF only spoke to him because you put her into a situation where she kind of had to, and she hasn't dealt with the situation properly because she doesn't want to do anything that ultimately jeopardizes her relationship with her husband. Her reluctance could also be for a whole load of other complicated reasons too (this could just be the iceberg of the problems in their relationship and themselves that they don't really want to address head-on).
You've got 2 options here: Either try and get your point home towards her better, or leave. But if this situation continues after you have tried to communicate your discomfort & boundaries, then you should leave regardless, because whether your GF tries to do something about her husbands unchecked jealousy isuses or not, if he continues like this then I fear your safety (and sanity!) might actually be in danger.
You also need to assess the whole quality of the relationship: You set the standards and expectations in your life, but you also need to be honest to yourself about what those are (for example, is this the kind of relationship you really want?). (Within reason), people will treat you how you allow them to treat you in life. And if someone insists on continuing to act a certain way despite you laying down firm boundaries (etc), you should definitely consider cutting them out.
Personally, I don't see what is so difficult for your GF to understand in this situation (as you've told her how much this is all affecting you), but I do understand if you want to keep trying. But I don't think that this situation is a “you issue” (as in, the continuation of the problem is ultimately down to a failure on your part to deal with or communicate things better), and I think its very important for you to draw a line somewhere.
I get that things aren't easy for your girl- she likes both of you (and would probably prefer that none of this was going on). But if she isn't willing to address the situation properly (or the husband continues regardless), then this relationships life expectancy is going to be a quickly ticking down clock. If the husband continues behaving like this (and your GF really does care about you), then GF needs to deside herself who is more important in her life, because you and the husband can't continue living in this crazy way with all the spying etc.
Think strongly and carefully about your needs and what is best for you here (this is your life).
After 5 years and marrying another guy, you have all the closure you should need. And if you don't, you never really got over him and you are making your husband 2nd fiddle. Great wife you are. This would hurt your husband but even by asking, you already did…