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it happens too often that she’s feeling used.
Maybe change your sex style.
He is a messy eater.
What you described isn't a 'messy' eater. That is someone with no table manners and no perception of how disgusting it must be for other people to have to eat with him. To add: if you want a bite of his food, ask him straight away.
Which leads us to: He doesn't really wash his hands
Really? I'm shocked. Someone who eats like a feral animal doesn't understand basic hygiene and cares even less about his partner? :/
in social situations, he just leaves me to myself
How many more examples do you need of him demonstrating how very little manners he has? He only thinks about himself and has no desire to pick his head up and realize he's not the only one in the world.
You say these aren't break-up worthy. The eating alone would have been a dealbreaker for me the first time I saw him eat. None of these behaviors will change because he doesn't care. Now picture taking him as your +1 to a work dinner or event. Picture having to take him to all of these places and introduce him as your long-time partner or spouse. You will be judged by his behavior.
Well, I think we can all agree that it's not good. It sounds like there's just enough ambiguity to offer a glimmer of hope. I think you need to find a way to keep it together and gather more info. I know you pride yourself on being trustful, but that's out the window. Check her phone, follow her if need be, etc. You need to protect yourself and be able to prove infidelity if it exists.
It’s human. And great that you were able to talk. Open communication is important. And sometimes we have things that trigger us or some underlying fears that we aren’t really aware of and that come out and apparent in the weirdest and most unexpected moments. And being afraid of being inadequate, “not good enough” or anything in any area, for the person or people you love, is pretty common, no matter how exactly it manifests itself. Use these moments to grow as a person, because you learned something about yourself, instead of growing bitter. And it is also ok to just not enjoy certain ideas or fantasies or whatever, if some thought of something doesn’t turn you on, that doesn’t make you a bad person or anything, either. It’s just not a turn on for you or even a turn off. We all have that, too.
And I think it’s pretty grown up to go and ask for other opinions and actually listen to them, consider them, instead of just being stuck in your own head.