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You shouldn't need to say this is a boundary as its common sense. Your options are have the talk and work this out or breakup.
I'm afraid to say probably yes.
Thank you for taking the time to reply! I realise that if you enter a relationship you can still be attracted to other people. But, I would never even think of looking at others while I’m out with him. All eyes are on him. (Which is why it would bother me if he would look, am I not good-looking enough for him to only keep his eyes on me? Just like I do?) Are these expectations reasonable? I often hear that men are more visual creatures than women.
I don't know where you're from, but uncirconcised is first natural, and second, standard
After 3 years the honeymoon period may be slowing, it's just showing for him faster than it is for you. You both will balance out.
Yeah, love-bombing typically follows after doing something harmful or abusive. Unless OP had a pattern of behavior of being shitty and then doing these grand gestures to coerce his girlfriends into forgiving him, these examples just don't meet that definition.
Info: it’s hot to give decent useful advice without more specific information namely what is his stressful job that requires 10000%? That will help paint a clear picture. How did you come back to center after your issues? Maybe he needs some space to get there? That isn’t you abandoning him but in my experience, different people need different things in crisis – if he needs space, that may help. Just tell him you’re here for him and your relationship is important
It isn't about being broke. It is about thoughts, you can totally make up something to show you care about someone without any money involved if you “choose” to.
He isn't choosing to do anything but unhappy.
You are putting in all the effort, the thoughts, the care and he is giving you nothing in return.
And what? He took you out for a treat, which a treat is something you do for another person and then made you pay for yours yourself? Where is the treat portion?
If he didn't have any money then his cost of his meal could have bought you something instead, a card and small gift, instead he bought dinner for himself.
You deserve someone who appreciates you.
And lets not talk about the other girl, the one he would rather be with but has settled for you. That is very clear.
Spend your money on you, know what you want, be clear about it and find that person that fits your needs, not the other way round.
I don’t tell them outright, It’s after months and after I invite them over. They will usually complain that I haven’t invited them because it seems like I’m hiding something…and i am. Things will fall apart once they come over and realize it’s mine. I’ve had guys look up my house on real estate websites so they know that it’s not a rental which is beyond weird. Those guys get cut off immediately.
I live! in a large city so owning a home and not having a roommate can be unusual and an indication of my situation
Did you other nasty little comment get removed? How sad. Telling me I should have a doctor remove my brain with a coat-hanger? How mature of you.
Maybe he changed his mind you won't know unless you talk him. Communication is key.
She really shouldn't have men over in that situation.
The kid should not be at risk of walking in on something and they should also get a room soon for their own privacy while changing, etc.
If she acts like she does, then what’s the difference? She’ll never consent to a diagnosis. That’s part of the fucking disorder.
As the daughter of an addict I'll try to explain.
You may have been clean for seven years, you may be a totally changed person now. But that does not erase the years of trauma that you put your ex and your children through.
Of course seeing you with a potentially addictive substance triggered your ex. She is terrified of the idea of you putting your kids in harms way again. It is a very realistic scenario in her mind because she lived through you doing that very thing for years.
I can't remember where this quote is from but it sums it up nicely “for you it was just another Wednesday, for me it was life altering trauma”.
Your actions when addicted had consequences. Your ex having to be extra cautious about trusting you with your children is one of those consequences.
I think this is a great time for you to take a quick bow and exit stage left. This seems like a mess that someone your age doesn't need to be involved in.
Just tell him.
“(Boyfriend), I realize you have a past. I accept that. I can’t force you to change your behavior and I won’t try. I just want you to know that when you like pictures of other girls or your exes, it makes me feel a little insecure. I know that is my issue to deal with, but I hope that by telling you how it makes me feel, you will take the time to consider my feelings, and how it might make me look to outsiders that my boyfriend is liking other girl’s socials.”
If he is as mature as you say, he will probably apologize and alter his behavior for you. If he decides to continue and hide it from you, he will be telling you who he really is.
How is she your ex if you haven't seen her in 9 years?
That's all the explanation needed. He doesn't have to like it but he does have to accept it, or he is allowed to break up with her.
That's what he is doing.
he claims we are in a relationship
That’s not how relationships work. It’s not like calling dibs on something. Both parties have to explicitly agree and want it.
if [we are in a relationship] then I expect to be satisfied by the sex
Being in a relationship doesn’t guarantee that every single time you have sex it will be exactly to your specifications. You sound really weird and toxic here. People have off nights. Why would being his girlfriend make it okay for you to be a bitch to him because one night of sex wasn’t quite up to your standards?
It’s in no way clear what you actually want here. It sounds like you just want him to be a fuck toy that either performs or disappears so you don’t have to deal with him.
You can probably find a guy happy to fill that role, but this is not that guy. Honestly, this story comes across like you’re stringing him along and being kind of really shitty to him.
Even if he were only a FWB or “situationship,” it’s pretty shitty to kick someone out when they tell you they don’t want to have sex a third time. That’s just basic decency, it has nothing to do with how you define your relationship.
Decide what you actually want, and then see if he can give you that. Don’t go on dates you don’t want to go on, and don’t treat people like objects.
I'm really sorry to hear about your wife; that's a very difficult thing and medical school is no joke. She worked so hot to build a career, found a lot of fulfillment in it and now she may never be able to do it again. She is grieving and I don't know if she always wanted another baby or this motivated her to have another one but either way, it's a “2 yes or 1 no” thing. Full stop.
Something to consider: My first child was born perfectly healthy, my second was born with a condition so rare her geneticist has no idea what it actually is and she may be the only kid on the planet with her particular disease. We had no idea before she was born and it has been ongoing surgeries, doctor visits and health problems since her birth. I love her and I'm grateful for her but it's so, so naked. I can't imagine dealing with all of this plus having a serious, ongoing health condition of my own to deal with. Your wife is a doctor; ask her what happens if your 3rd child is born with serious health issues? Can you both commit the time and resources to caring for them? At what cost to your other children? I hope you are both able to make peace with whatever decision you make.
We do text here and there through out the day, my main issue is the calls. I am okay with not being able to call for a couple of days cause life happens. But longer than that I start feeling upset.
It doesn't bother you that you have to choose between your daughter and your wife? Give issue and the fact you're with her having a third kid?
My guess is your daughter will turn 18 and you'll never hear from her again for some strange reason.
doing our laundry separately we are getting closer and closer to on-line in roommates
So you're getting closer to being just roommates because you won't do his laundry? It seems like he wants a bangmaid instead of an actual partner by the sound of this.
Honestly he sounds violent and extremely controlling. I would look into getting out of this relationship.
My worthless two cents . . .
Chores—I am not one to scold someone for not doing chores because I hate chores, but I am nearing the half century mark in this cursed life of mine, and I have cleaned MORE than my fair share through the years.
Between the numerous dogs who have roamed the halls of this Haven of the Witch, I have raised a couple of heathens, one of which, decided to make me a Gammy, and now, her three little Witchlets run these halls. At 3, 2, & 1–the two youngest are Irish twins, born in 2021—something is always sticky, needs washed, dusted, fed, or bleached.
Do I do it when I should? No, as the dog hair and dust dance together in the corners, I’m building endless things with Duplo, while Ms. Rachel keeps us company.
But it DOES drive my Warrior crazy, so I make an effort at the end of the day to get it all reigned in a bit. But he helps. I’m the one doing the half-assing, but I’m usually exhausted by then. It helps that he is cleaner than his Witch. If not for him, that dog hair and dust would be forever forgotten.
As for wiping the dogs feet:
I have three mutts. Two blabs and a pitty-pointer. Artie, the boxer-lab mix, and Pepper, the pitbull and GSP, will stand patiently for me to dry them off. They come inside the door and just wait for me to do it.
However, the younger blab, Space Dog, the blue-heeler-lab mix does not stand patiently. No, the towel is the ENEMY. Now, I don’t know if you know blue heelers, mix or otherwise, but they are in their own class of chaos. We have two outcomes: either the towel is ripped out of my hands and destroyed, or he gets zoomies much to the delight of the Witchlets. Either way, I can only manage to get him half ass dry, but wrestling a Space Dog blue is NOT fun.
Lack of hygiene—this is a deal breaker for me as I have an extremely sensitive nose. I wouldn’t put up with that. Period. The first time I mention it is the only time I mention it, then your ass is out. No ifs ands or buts about it.
Ripping ass is thing all couples do to each other, and I don’t think that would bother you so much if they took better care of themselves.
MIL—yeah, no.
Counseling—while there are some exceptions to the rule, counseling simply does not work. All it does is hit the pause button in the problem. There is no solution because they’re not willing to change, so you’re just wasting your money and time.
You have plenty of red flags to look at. Your fiancé has already caught you, so they stopped putting in the effort to keep you.
And you keep putting up with it.
Enough is efuckingnough.
Walk away for good.
“My partner is great except for this one thing makes him a huge asshole”
This is always the case isn’t it? I would have thrown him out. Throw away the husband. He’s garbage.
Sorry to break it to him but you’ll be “taking” half “his” stuff anyway. ? now or later. The fact he’s thinking this stuff and believes that getting “ahead of it” financially is even a thing he can consider at this stage just shows his priorities and also his stupidity.
It is itemized. So it would be a lot. Our cycle isn’t over yet so it’ll only download on an excel sheet
Let them know it would help you if they let you help them. Checkmate.
On a more serious note- you can sympathize with their desire to be kind and careful to those around them- ask, why would anyone who cares for them WANT to unknowingly cause them trouble? How would they feel if they were upsetting you and you just didn’t say anything? Nobody worth knowing will be upset by them sticking up for themself, normal people WANT them to because friendship is communication