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I think you’re right to be cautious about this. I would want to know how she describes it. Like if this is her fetish because of “things” (ie “I have a thing for black men because they are XYZ) then I would be concerned that she’s dehumanizing you, reducing you to a stereotype (a thing).
Since prevailing beauty standards are racist, I would also be concerned if her “fetish” developed out of surprise – like if she’s ever said I was never attracted to black men before, but now I’m no longer a white supremacist, I am now. She may also be white knighting a bit too – like feeling guilty about the prejudices she hung onto when she was a white supremacist, so she feels the desire to make up for that, so she’ll rush in to be with a black person to save them from her former self.
I would discuss it with her, and if she gets defensive, push through and bring it up again. It’s fine for folks to have “types” but it is imperative to know how she describes it, and whether it comes from a place of racism/exiting racism – like she has to be able to articulate, even if it’s after being given time to think about it, But whole lotta red flag on fetishizing someone’s race.
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It really depends on your relationship. If she's going to go all bat shit crazy and start plotting evil events than no. Don't tell her.
If it's a sadness issue because she could not have a baby, then it's probably a good idea to give her a heads up. I would talk to your partner first about her opinion on the matter. Your partner may be more comfortable with you handling it in a phone call.
Did you guys do anything like a pre-nup? Otherwise she may try to argue in a court for some of your belongings (though I'm not a lawyer or divorced, so I'm not sure if she'd actually be able to get anything).
Sounds like a divorce to me though. If she can't handle being married and not violent, that's a huge red flag. I've slapped my boyfriend once. One time, in the 5 years we've been together, and it was in the most heated and emotional arguments we've ever had. Regret was instant and I vowed to never ever do it again, and I haven't. Because I was genuinely sorry. Sounds to me like your wife is just unstable, isn't sorry for hurting you, and isn't ready for you or your marriage and may need some counseling.
Nope. He neefs to figure stuff out with her. She's too important to him. Step back and move on. You need someone who is willing to put you first. He's broken every boundary for her, respects her wishes more than you. You were in a love triangle. Now Op, move on, heal and find better.
I'm sorry and good luck. Also, don't go back. You will continue to be hurt.
Right? “She can’t just be friends” [literally says that she just wanted to be friends, communicated that, and admits he was selfish and kept flirting with her] like yeah okay guy it’s definitely her fault
This wasn’t a lie of omission, please stop trying to defend his reaction. This is 100% a him problem, it’s bizarre and ridiculous and I hope you realize you are too good for such a pretentious arsehole
Then you’ve done what you can. It takes two to make a relationship work and she isn’t interested in taking any responsibility or making any changes. Sounds like it’s just not a good fit.
Talk to an attorney and make an exit plan. Life is too short to be miserable.
That said, would recommend that you pursue individual therapy so you can work on yourself and not end up in a similar situation again.
Yep! I work in an icu and we recently had a woman who went into cardiac arrest on the table while undergoing a boob job. Took weeks to get her off of the ventilator and eventually we had to put a tracheostomy in just so she wouldn’t on-line the rest of her life on a vent. It was horrific.