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You agree that you felt like you are autistic. I am pointing this out for your husband did not make it up. He did not lie. He believed you when you agreed with him. He was trying to explain to his mom why there is a social distance between you and her family. Your MIL sounds like she is trying to be understanding with her statement of “ I just have to learn to accept my D-I-l is different and I have to learn to like her as she is”
There are a couple of bigger issues here. It does not matter that your family is bigger than his, it is not fair for you to always do Christmas with your family. His family is just as important to him as yours are to you.
You also looking at your husband's text is a huge invasion of his privacy. Unless he said you could you had no right to do so. You broke the trust between you and him.
You need to grow up and be more open to his family. If you are not it is going to cause a lot of damage to your relationship with him.
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It would be nice it he would have been able to communicate this.
In this case I would tell him – hey you didnt have to go behind my back, we could have done it together.
Why do you like someone that treats you like shit? Go to therapy
We do couples therapy once a month. Do you think mentioning it there first is a good idea? I want her to feel as safe as possible
If I were to be brutally honest, he’s definitely the immature one in this relationship and probably is taking you for granted! He feels that you won’t do anything but you need to call him out and let him know. The ultimatum is he grow up and stop the bickering or face the consequences of you dumping his @ss! I hope that it works out for you and that this is recoverable. Take care and have an awesome weekend. Let us know how you get along.
All you can hope for is that he will forgive. You cannot make him love you anymore. All you can do is ask for time to prove yourself. And pray that he will give you the opportunity. He’s deeply hurt right now. You might read books on how to save your relationship and see if there are subreddits here on how to save your relationship after infidelity.
But you better be prepared in the case that your partner is not willing to forgive. My friend cheated on her husband. He was willing to forgive but understand that the damage from this will last for years.
She told me she was prepared to apologize a thousand times a day for the rest of her life if necessary.
There’s no trick. There’s no magic words. The only thing that matters is your partner has to be willing to try to work through it with you.
Good luck.