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Have some respect for yourself and find a woman who respects herself AND you.
If you really want to label him then the word you're looking for is “abusive” because that's what he is.
Constantly criticising your body and your eating habits especially when you have struggled with eating disorders in the past is abusive behaviour.
To answer your last question; no that is absolutely not just the way men are. That's how abusers are.
He has no respect for you, and he will never change his ways.
Try to look up sources like “love is respect” and the free e-book “why does he do that?” they can help you to get a better understanding of what's going on in your relationship and why it's best for you to leave.
OP, you don't want to choose and you shouldn't have to. Refuse to make a choice. “Mom, I understand Dad was a terrible husband to you. He was a good father to me. I love you both. I want both of you in my life. If you choose to disown me for wanting to love both of my parents, that will be your choice. You mean so much to me and I will miss you if you choose to exclude me from our family. Take some time to think about it, and let me know your decision. I love you.”
This is why I never once ask to see my partners phone. Some things are better off not knowing. I'd say this sounds super suspicious. It could be innocent but I doubt it. Women who will willingly talk with a married or taken man are very insecure, low value people. I wouldn't waste one more second of this beautiful life with an ass clown in your head. Revenge is the best medicine and it sounds like you need to go on tinder or something and make a guy friend. Even out the playing field.
Give me her contact information, and I'll ask her for you. Seriously, since you work together, you should just let it all go.
It’s still a thing people and yes cops follow. You know, like how the first side of a story is the one people are most likely going to stick to believing.